Post # 1
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
Hi,
Some of you may have seen my recent posts on TTC with my husband of 4 years (together 11 years.) I have some really bad news to share, and I’m very conflicted on what I should even do.. A year ago, we almost decided to end things, because he had FB messages with a female co worker of his, where they were flirting and she had sent him half naked photos. It got really bad, and it took me so long trying to get over it. Both he and she claimed they were never physical. Fast forward now to a year later, things had seemed to be going really good.. He and I talked about TTC back in August (we aimed to start at the end of this year,) I got off of my pill in October. I had been going through his phone periodically, not finding anything else questionable. However, I just looked through his email (His Gmail on his phone had been disabled, I had to enable it again) and found in his sent box, pictures and snap chats of naked women that he has been sending from his original Gmail address to what appears to be a new, made up Gmail address that he probably accesses on his computer.. What is really bad, is that some of them are from women he knows personally, from his FB. One of them is dating one of his guy friends, and they all play video games together. I definitely assume he has been asking for these pictures and the women have just been happily sending them, even though a few of them know we are married… The really bad thing is, I could very well be pregnant, because we had sex twice during my fertile window, once last night on my predicted ovulation day. I was so excited last night, thinking I might be pregnant soon after ovulation, then I got upset and starting thinking I needed to go through his phone.. I’ve been with this man since I was 20 years old, now 29. I honestly do not know WHAT I am to do now, right before Christmas, I could end up pregnant.. I honestly feel like he may just be a POS, or that he may have some sort of sex addiction.. I would honestly rather it have been porn of random women he doesn’t know, but some of the pictures likes I said are from women he knows, and women I’ve suspected things of before… I really do not want to ruin Christmas or feel like a total idiot for trying to have a baby with him… I honest to God thought things were better after a year because I had not found anything, and his behavior as a husband in general had improved.. Please help me.. I am at a total loss.. <!–/data/user/0/com.samsung.android.app.notes/files/clipdata/clipdata_bodytext_201203_083954_452.sdocx–>
Post # 2
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
Also, I would like to add, he has been saying things lately like, “How did I get so lucky.” And “I love you so much.” And it is very confusing.. How can he love me and agree to try and have a baby with me when he is going to do this behind my back? Why would a man want to have a baby with his wife if he is clearly doing what he is doing? Shouldn’t he NOT want to have a baby with me? I’m very confused. I don’t know if he has ever really loved me now to begin with..
Post # 3
Member
557 posts
Busy bee
why wouldn’t he have his cake and eat it too, if he could? He probably can’t imagine life without you. He just can’t be faithful. You have him a HUGE chance to redeem himself and he couldn’t. Or wouldn’t. Either way, you can rest easy knowing you gave him every opportunity to be a good husband.
I’m so sorry, bee.
I think you should confront him about this emails. If you have any concerns about him being violent, get out of the house. But either way, this cannot continue.
Your potential pregnancy doesn’t need to be part of this right now. You don’t even know if you are, and even if you were, would you want to stay with him? I truly hope the answer is “no!” Imagine trying to raise a child with someone who treats you like this?
Get out of this relationship. BUT DON’T JUMP THE GUN! First…. (BEFORE YOU CONFRONT HIM)
***LOOK UP THE DIVORCE LAWS IN YOUR AREA*** Where I live, you would be able to prove his infidelity and he would be at fault for the divorce. You could even sue the women for “alienation of affection” for being party to this. There’s also laws on property distribution dependent on who leaves the marital home first (in my state, the one who leaves essentially “abandons” the home and property inside it, and could have to fight to get it all back).
BEFORE YOU TELL HIM WHAT YOU KNOW – do your reseach. Lawyer up. You have so much time on your side to get your ducks in a row before you confront him. I hate to suggest living with this knowledge for a little longer because that is painful AF, but I think you’re in a really, truly wonderful position to do what will end up benefiting you (and your potential baby) in the future.
Good luck!
Post # 4
Member
5151 posts
Bee Keeper
He compartmentalizes the parts of his lives. You live in one compartment, these woman in another. Makes it easier to do hurtful things if you’re getting away with it. He probably does loves you, he just doesnt respect you.
Post # 5
Member
7779 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
You just had sex last night–you could use emergency birth control to make sure you do not become pregnant if you don’t want to be tied to this guy for the next 20 years or more.
Regardless, this guy is not husband material. Do your homework–make sure you understand any and all joint finances/accounts, find a lawyer, start researching where you’d like to move next year. Get your ducks in a row.
Post # 6
Member
913 posts
Busy bee
Oh bee I’m so sorry. Definitely check into divorce laws first, get your ducks in a row and dump his ass in the nearest ditch.
Post # 7
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
@workingonmynightcheese: I understand what you mean, I just physically get sick every time I’ve looked through his phone.. I don’t want to see any of those pictures or videos again… And I have 3 dogs who are my world, I can’t leave my house… He has never gotten violent with me physically but he has yelled and cussed before. We are married, but the mortgage is in my name. I just don’t know how to even confront him.. He usually gets defensive and cuts me off when talking sometimes, and I can’t even get out everything I need to say.. I’ve thought about writing a letter.. I’ve also thought about FB messaging the women that he knows and asking what has been going on..
Post # 8
Member
5151 posts
Bee Keeper
@workingonmynightcheese: I dont think it’s a good idea to act in the heat of the moment. Too many things get forgotten or pushed to the side. Cold, calculated action gets the best longstanding results. So I would suggest to the OP that it is “painful as f*** ” to stay with her husband while she sets up her next moves. To hell with any pain she might endure, she’s already in pain. It’s smart to do this, to act after thought and deliberation. After all, she’s under no obligation whatsoever to tell her husband what she knows at this point.
Post # 9
Member
7779 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
@missmagnificent: Don’t degrade yourself by reaching out to these women–they didn’t violate your marriage vows, he did. You don’t need to ask him about it knowing he’ll just lie to you as he has been all along.
You don’t have to confront him about anything, you know what you’ve seen and that you’re not okay with your husband pursuing other women even if it’s just naked pictures. Your attorney can serve him and handle negotiations. Find a therapist for yourself. Work on your own healing as you cut him out of your life.
Post # 10
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee
@missmagnificent: A man who acts this way is and always will be (so long as there’s half an opportunity) a serial cheater and since he seems to be friends with a lot of nasty skanks he will always have an opportunity. You’re better off without him no matter what it takes. I can’t imagine a guy like that would be that attached to dogs so that shouldn’t be much of a problem unless he’s spiteful about it.
@workingonmynightcheese: I’ve never heard of laws like that before, if you don’t mind can I ask which state?
Post # 11
Member
9898 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
I’d be getting Plan B asap and contacting an attorney to start.
Post # 12
Member
557 posts
Busy bee
@sunburn: I didn’t tell her to act impulsively. I told her to get a lawyer and look into divorce laws. I literally said the same thing you did about taking her time, staying in the house, and getting her ducks in a row. She just can’t sweep this under the rug if she wants to have a happy life. If you read my full post, you’ll see I said “BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING” like… 3 different times.
@missmagnificent: you don’t need to look at the pictures anymore (although forwarding them to yourself isn’t a bad idea so you have proof because you can be sure he will delete them the moment you tell him you’ve lawyered up). You just need to contact a lawyer right now. Don’t leave your dogs or the house. Just make some excuse to have some space to yourself. And call a lawyer. Get a consultation. Again, read my full post – don’t confront him yet. Get your ducks in a row first, then just be prepared that you’ll have to confront him at some point.
Post # 13
Member
557 posts
Busy bee
@Turtles: I live in North Carolina.
Post # 14
Member
1353 posts
Bumble bee
@missmagnificent: he does these things because he is a cheating cheater who cheats. I know this sounds so simplistic but honestly you will only make yourself crazy trying to make sense of his senseless behavior.
I agree with PP’s that you need to get a plan of action before you confront him. Research divorce lawyers and retain the very best one you can afford.
And when it comes time to confront him, don’t give him the opportunity to gaslight you. If you go into it with the attitude that you want an explanation he will use that to twist shit around in a effort to make you question what you know is true, and that is that he is a cheater, plain and simple. He is NOT a good man, he is not a good husband, he violated your trust and he doesn’t deserve you. Full stop.
Just present him with the facts of what you know to be true and the information that your marriage is over.
Im so sorry for what you are going through {{hugs}}
Post # 15
Member
8236 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
Step 1, plan b
Step 2, look up lawyers
If its your house you can ask him to leave. He can go stay with one of his friends girlfriends. Sounds like they are made for each other.