Post # 76
Talk to a lawyer.
If your husband is vindictive, lower his limit as an authorized user on your credit card to an amount that won’t cause you pain. Change YOUR password on email and your phone. If you confront him or seem strange, he might try to find out what you know.
The fact that he doesn’t help you with your personal debt, the idea that you have a strong idea of your personal debt vs his after so many years together, and the fact that you had to double-check who was on the mortgage tells me there’s a real possibility that he’s more financially savvy than you are and that he’s been protecting himself for a long time. Either way, you’ll want to be careful to protect your interests, and an attorney can help you avoid common mistakes. Money is usually not top of mind when heartbreak arises, but it does matter in the long run.
The mortgage is in your name, but who is on the title? If he’s on title, make that clear to your attorney. You may wind up having to pay him to get him out of your home.
Heartache like this is absolutely wrenching. I’m sorry, bee.
Post # 77
It may not be too late to take Plan B. While the primary way it works is by preventing ovulation, it can also interrupt fertilization.
Post # 78
Bee, I’m a divorce lawyer.
You need to talk to a lawyer in your state immediately. The one thing I want to flag is that law offices are extremely hectic close to Christmas – parents all decide to fight about Christmas in the weeks leading up. The Courts (at least where I live) also close for two weeks over Christmas, and most of the law offices do too.
There will be certain steps to take. I don’t know your state laws, nor is an internet forum an appropriate place for advice.
If you have any access to his finances I would try to copy bank and credit card statements. People often try to move money shortly after they are told their spouse is leaving.
Post # 79
I see another poster has written that Alabama is a no fault state so once you find out the specifics of that you need to act accordingly. No fault divorce may seem really sucky and unfair (and is!), but that’s the world we live in and you need to act on that not on the hope that you will get what you actually deserve (more than him) out of this situation which is entirely of your turd of a husbands making.
So find out the laws, but if your going to leave you need a practical plan that doesn’t rely on the assumption you’ll be getting a favourable outcome in the divorce or won’t still be responsible for your debt (that last bit is fair enough tho). If I were you I’d be thinking about that now.
You say you have a lot of debt, would keeping the house even be practical for you? If not, you mentioned your Mom – is there any possibility you could take the dogs and live with her for the time being? These are the kind of things you need to consider.
Post # 80
If you decided to leave him without having the baby, you can take the pill within 8 weeks old window using mifepristone
. So you still have time – though knowing the names or prepared for the meds is probably a good idea considering the upcoming situation. You can get it over the counter for quite cheap, though I don’t know if you need a prescription or not. I learned about the meds when we had miscarriage.
Post # 81
nothing is worth this. Leave now much easier than later
Trust me. This happened to me …pregnant with my first. 25 wasted years and 2 kids I finally left. It does not get better. He values and wants you or he does not. He is showing u. Believe him..
Post # 82
OP stated she is pro life I believe. This would not be the kind of option she is looking for based on previous posts.
Post # 83
OP, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Your decision to give your husband a second chance was the best decision for you at the time with the information you had. Talk to your mom and best friend – you shouldn’t have to go through this alone. They love you and want to be there for you.
Post # 84
OP, I’d continue on pretending until you get all your ducks in a row. I’d also cancel that credit card and get a new one issued with a different number. You can take him off all you want but as long as he remembers that card number he can make online or over the phone purchases which will be a headache for you to fix if he decides to be a prick. I’d also check that you are the sole person on your houses deed of title. Why is the mortgage only in your name and are you the only one paying it? The fact that you drowning in debt and he’s got savings speaks volumes about his commitment to you. Personally, I’d get a little vindictive in the interim whilst you are getting your ducks in a row to leave and get him to help you pay off some of your debt. Ask him for some cash to help pay your debts. I wouldn’t even feel bad in doing it because if you are pregnant, you a physically going to take hit to your career and earnings for the next few years. He’s not going to have to burden the same issues surrounding carrying a child as you will and now that he’s cheated and caused irreparable damage to your relationship and future he won’t even be helping you shoulder the issues and even cushion you a little from it financially.
You said you can only get into his email on his phone when he receives an email. Can you not send him an email yourself to give you that opportunity to get into it when you need to? Does your mum live enough of a distance that you can go visit for a few days because she’s unwell? Can you get your friends and mum to call you with an ’emergency’ to get you out of the house when you need some space. OP, please keep a lid on everything with him until you get your ducks in a row and consult with a lawyer. Tell your friend and mum, grandma about this. You should not be embarrassed for another adults poor choices. Let them be a stregth to to you. I also advise against trying to find the why’s and ho4ws of his behaviour. Sometimes its simply a case of people being selfish assholes to their core. Nothing you do, say or think will change a character flaw of that gravity.
Post # 85
OP, is cheating a dealbreaker for you? Is not being able to trust your husband a dealbreaker for you? How much can he get away with before you leave him? If you truly trusted him and forgave him, you wouldn’t have checked through his phone. While it is not uncommon for a spouse to engage in “checking behaviors” after an affair, there comes a certain point where you either forgive the person or you don’t. Something in your gut was telling you to check, and your worst fears came true. It does not seem like things have changed, and you should listen to your gut. I would recommend that you reach out to people now. Be it a divorce attorney, friends, family, whomever to create a support sysetm. Now is not the time to face things alone, especially if you are pregnant and intend on keeping the child. Please listen to PPs, they gave you wonderful advice. I really wish you the best of luck, and I am so sorry that this happened.
Post # 86
Bee, checking in on you to make sure you’re okay.
Post # 87
I would really like to hear you are ok OP….