(Closed) Cheating Husband..Would you stay with him??

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 4
Member
1025 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

My religion believes that marriage vows can’t be dissolved by infidelity, so I would stay. Though I’m sure when you are in that situation, it’s a much, much harder decision to make. 

I’m guessing this was 5 months ago? (based on your kids age?) If so, I wouldn’t be surprised at all that you are still thinking about her every day. Of course you aren’t over it yet. You are still mourning and grieving and taking care of a newborn. That is hard! 

I don’t want to tell you “wait it out” cause no one can make that decision but you. But don’t beat yourself up over not being over it. I’m sure it’s a long, long healing process. And that’s okay. Hard, but okay.

Post # 5
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee

An affair – as in multiple indiscretions? I would not stay. I could see myself forgiving a one night stand but not a long lasting affiar.

If you want to leave, do you really have nowhere to go? Not parents, a family member, or a friend’s? Even for a week or two, to get a plan set up.

Post # 6
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

Only you can really decide what works for you, but if you are staying, even for now, you both should be working really hard to make the relationship work.

He needs to be earning your trust again.

You both need to be spending time together, without the kids, to reconnect.

You both need to discuss why he cheated in the first place and is there anything you both can do to fix any problems? Did he feel unloved because of not enough time with you? Can you instate date nights? etc.

 You cant be expected to “just forget”, but you also can’t expect everything to just keep going as it was before because if there are underlying issues, he may be tempted to cheat again.

 EDIT: I am not saying cheating is justified or its your fault, but its usually a symptom of a problem. Most cheaters don’t just go “I am really happy at home, but I am going to pursue a relationship emotional and physical just because I think its fun to sneak around on my family”

Think of this as chance to really dig down into the depths of your relationship, to build it, fix it and grow.  It is possible to have a stronger relationship post-cheating. It just takes work.  In some respects, this was a warning to work on your relationship.  Hypothetically, if he relationship just continued to deteriorate it could end up in a bitter marriage and divorce. Now you at least have a chance to salvage your marriage.

Post # 7
Member
713 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I wouldn’t stay. As many STD’s and STI’s that are out there, I couldn’t do it! I think one thing people have to realize is that if you forgive him and decide to stay, you can’t keep holding it against him. I’m not saying you’re doing this – I’ve witnessed this before, and it doesn’t work. So keep that in mind. I think your kids would rather have you be happy being single, rather than staying with your husband and being unhappy.

If any woman really wants to leave, they can always find somewhere to go. It’s a matter of using your resources, whether it’s family, friends, community shelters, etc. I hope I’m not coming off harshly, that is not my intention at all. I am sending positive vibes your way, and I hope things work out for your happiness!

Post # 8
Member
5110 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

@ lefeymw- This exactly you need to get to the bottom of the reason why the cheating occured in the first place and go from there to see if you can salvage the relationship. 

Post # 9
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

Have you spoken to a therapist either by yourself or as a couple?

Post # 10
Member
826 posts
Busy bee

I wouldn’t stay.  Ew.  

Post # 11
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I was cheated on in a previous long term relationship…after I found out he promised it would never happen again and that he only wanted to be with me.  Over the next year I tried to forget and forgive but I never could…and he ended up cheating again.  Because of my past expeirience I would never stay with a man who cheated. I was not in your situation as far as being married with a child however.  Im so sorry this happened to you…I know how much it hurts!  Good luck to you..

Post # 12
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I don’t think I could stay. I would hold it over him the rest of his life – which isnt a healthy way to live. I don’t think I would be able to move on.

As a PP suggested, I do agree that you should probably get to bottom of why he cheated to determine if your relationship is worth salvaging. What was he thinking or feeling (or if he was at all)? I would also try to understand if he truly values his family – he cheated on you, but also on your children because it will impact them (whether they find out about it in the future or not). I wouldnt sweep this under the rug or let him off the hook quickly. He might think he could get away with it again.

It’s hard with 3 kids, but could you go to a family member’s home for a short time while you are working this out. Or better yet, can he go to a friend’s or family member’s home? He should be the one out of the home – not you and the children.  

Post # 13
Member
2522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@zx:  I’d probably leave.  Even though my vows are permanent as jedeve said , I couldn’t stand infidelity.  It’s unacceptable.  I’d keep my kids and raise them myself. 

Also, I’d place more blame on my spouse versus some coworker.  It seems you’re angrier at her than him, when you should be pissed at him also.  I suggest therapy to work through it.  If he’s heartily sorry, then I might give him one more chance but not without some massive changes.  Like trust building exercises, calling often, not taking business trips, leaving the current job he’s at to avoid the coworker, etc.

 

Post # 14
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I hope I’m never in this situation, and feel for those who are/have been, but I’d imagine that I wouldn’t be able to handle it and I’d leave.  I just have a hard time spending the next several decades with him and not be suspicious every time he goes to get groceries. 

Good luck to you!

Post # 15
Member
7300 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

A lot of people survive it and move on with a lot of work. You have to forgive and forget and that takes a lot of work and time.

Post # 16
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

In your situation, I can say I would most likely TRY to make it work, but I can’t guarantee success and I have to say that I am lucky enough to never have been in that situation, so I can’t say for 100% certain.  Thinking about it right now, I would probably just try to focus on anything except her and seek professional help to see what some of the deeper issues, if any, might be there for you and your husband individually and together.

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