(Closed) Cheating jerk brought down my engagement vibe

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Is divorce an option?
    Yep it's so easy to get one : (12 votes)
    6 %
    Nope I'm going to make it work : (68 votes)
    32 %
    I'll try hard, but I'm not writing off divorce completely : (125 votes)
    59 %
    Other : (8 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2009 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I’m so sorry this is going on, for all of his family.

    No, divorce isn’t an option for us.  We waited 11 years for a reason! We will have no excuse!

    Post # 4
    Member
    420 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    I understand not everyone feels the same way I do, but for me and my Fiance marriage is forever.  The ONLY times when divorce is an acceptable option in my book is if one half of the relationship is abusing the other.  Physical or sexual.  Well, I should ammend that to include children too.  I can’t imagine divorcing someone if they were not physically or sexually abusive which meant that myself or my child(ren) were in danger.  Anything short of that is something you work through imo.  Just my two cents though, I know there will be people who disagree with me.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1152 posts
    Bumble bee

    The only way that I would ever, ever consider a divorce, was if I found myself in an abuse situation. With my fiance, there is a 0% chance of that happening.

    We have talked about it extensively, and neither of us believe in divorce. Our faith in eternal marriage is a core belief that we hold very near to our hearts. Once we say “I do,” our marriage will be the #1 most important in our lives.

    Post # 7
    Member
    420 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    @alyssaC:  Also, thought you should know I’m sending virtual hugs your way.  Keep your head up.  Keep reminding yourself that just because your Fiance comes from a family with different attitudes towards marriage, that doesn’t mean that you and your Fiance can’t work through your issues as they arise.  I’m sure you can. 🙂

    Post # 8
    Member
    2607 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2009

    In every relationship, there are deal-breakers.  It it up to each individual to determine what those deal-breakers are for them.  For me, cheating is a deal-breaker, as is abuse (of me, or my children…or other’s people’s children).  I probably also could not remain married to a criminal.  But under most normal circumstances, most rough patches, I would absolutely do everything in my power to work through things.

    Post # 9
    Member
    5428 posts
    Bee Keeper

    “For better or for worse” doesn’t include cheating for me. Cheating (for me) is an automatic divorce when involving sexual penetration or anything that sex is a part of… oral sex etc… there is no “working it out” for me if this happens.

    Post # 10
    Member
    4478 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    I think there are times when divorce IS the right option for people, and cheating’s one of them.    There are plenty of other reasons as well, including the couple getting together too young, a couple growing apart, and having incompatible philosophies.  For some couples, divorce is the easy way out, but for many, it truly is the best thing for them to do.  

     

    Personally, I want a strong, solid, unshakable marriage, and I think we’re on the right track for one.  I wouldn’t want to marry him if I felt otherwise.  We want to grow old together.  So clearly we’re not planning on divorcing.

    Post # 11
    Member
    7753 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    For me, cheating is a deal breaker and your aunt did the right thing. The cheater has broken his vows, your aunt did the right thing. Otherwise she is saying to him, “You can keep cheating, it’s ok”. The only thing she did wrong was giving him two chances.

    Sorry it put a downer on your engagement, but life goes on.

    Post # 13
    Member
    2009 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I wish more of the bees who voted that divorce was a possibility would chime in!

    Or is it those of you discussing deal breakers?

    Im genuinely curious! Would love to hear some other bees perspectives here!

    Post # 14
    Member
    10367 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I consider habitual cheating emotional abuse (not to mention the possible health ramifications!).

    Why would I stay in a relationship that’s abusive? I draw a line there!

    Post # 15
    Member
    420 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    @alyssaC:  hehe my Grandma’s words of wisdom for making a marriage work are “Just make sure you give him a blowjob at least 5 times a week”  and this is from the mouth of a 70 year old woman!  Gotta love her though xD

    Personally, I would not add cheating to that list.  I’m not sure if I could get over it or not, but that’s one of the risks I signed up for when I got married and it’s my own fault for picking the wrong guy.  My mistake at picking the wrong person doesn’t mean it’s ok to break up my family.  Would my husband be in the wrong?  Of course!  Could I forgive him and move on?  I dunno.  Does that make it ok for my children to grow up without both of their parents?  Heck no!

    Now, I might reconsider the situation if all my children and grandchildren were grown, but at that point, why bother with a divorce?  Possibly I would consider it if my children were grown and never planned on having their own children, I’m not sure.  Either way, I would wait long enough to consider divorce that there wouldn’t be much point in getting divorced at that point.  

    Like I said before, I realise that’s not for everyone.  In fact, I have quite an unpopular view on this subject and that’s ok.  I certainly wouldn’t force my views on anyone else, but I just don’t understand why people choose to split up families when the situation isn’t dangerous.  I get that some people will say that it’s because it’s equally unfair to have children grow up in a house where mom and dad aren’t happy and all that, I just disagree with that line of thinking.  To each their own, but I couldn’t live with myself for breaking up my family over something that wasn’t putting us in danger.  

    ETA: I don’t blame her for leaving him, and I have nothing against people who make that choice, it’s just not what I would do.

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