(Closed) Cheating Parent Messed with my Head

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I haven’t gone through this exactly but my mother walked out on my sister and me when we were babies.  She’s never been in my life so I worry about having to raise any future offspring as a single parent (from my Dad’s perspective) but also I worry that I’ll turn out like her and somehow leave my children.  It worries me a great deal and for the longest time, I said I’d never have children because of it.  My partner is very loving but it’s definitely something that I’ll continually have to work through.

I suggest that maybe you see a therapist or counselor of some sort.  Good luck!

Post # 4
338 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

๐Ÿ™ I know how you feel , my dad was a bad alcoholic and when my Fiance drinks and acts even slightly like an idiot when he drinks I freak out , I know it’s not his fault but it terrifies me that I will marry someone like my father even though I know Fiance is amazing. Hugs hope things get better 

Post # 5
664 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I think that you should look into counselling of some kind. It’s not good for your marriage to harbour feelings like this, especially when you know that your husband hasn’t caused the issue.

Post # 6
58 posts
Worker bee

I had the same thing happen… although my parents didn’t split until after I left for college and it wasn’t until years later than I realized my dad had been cheating their entire marriage. I was already married at that point (got married at 19 – BIG mistake)! Unfortunatly I married a man a little too much like my dad, I honestly think if I knew about my dad’s cheating before I was married, the signs that my exhusband would cheat would have been more obvious and I like to think that I wouldn’t have married him (especially so young).

My mom knew my dad was cheating the whole time, and pretty much “stuck it out” until my sister and I left for college. I really wish she would have left him much sooner instead of suffering for our sake.

Thanks to my dad and my ex-husband I have some BIG time trust issues, and even though I don’t think my boyfriend of 3 years would ever cheat, sometimes bad thoughts get the best of me. I have to constantly remind myself that all men aren’t like my dad and my ex.

Post # 7
1274 posts
Bumble bee

My story isn’t similar exactly, but my mother walked out on my dad last year as she was involved with another man. I’m 28 and their only child. So as you can imagine it was quite a crazy time…and I am still dealing with feelings now. 

It’s hard to sort through your feelings sometimes. But especially if you are feeling paranoia surrounding your husband who has never shown one ounce of anything but love and adoration for you. I would urge you to seek out a counsellor or therapist. Not because you “need” help or because you can’t deal with things on your own. Simply because sometimes a counsellor helps you see things in a different way and can help you refocus and allow you to see how your father and your husband are separate entities and how to treat them as such. 

Post # 8
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Melissaah:  very similar story here- father was (and is still) an active alcoholic, was cheating on my mother for as long as I can remember including bringing women to our home while my sister and I were home and my mom was working her (2nd) night job. I knew the entire time- mom found out when I was 13 and they divorced.

My Fiance is an amazing man who I trust 100% but my “issues” definitely come through…the only thing that has helped me is a good therapist. Sometimes we need a professional to pick apart these issues! I’d recommend it.

Post # 10
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

My dad had a year-long affair with my private school teacher when I was 5. I found out (in a 5 year old way) when her son, who was a friend of mine, told me that my dad was going to leave my family and become HIS dad. Yep, I still remember that 23 years later. My parents are still unhappily together.


I definitely have a few small trust issues, but I’ve learned some good ways of mentally handling them without taking it out on my SO.


It’s really hard to accept that the man in your life who was supposed to be your hero, your forever-and-always knight in shining armor, your dad, could be a scumbag. And when you do accept it, it’s even harder to accept that there are men out there who are NOT going to cheat on you and break your heart.


But, luckily for us, there ARE good men out there!


Post # 11
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I completely understand how you feel..My father was cheating on my mom the entire time and finally left her after 20 years of marriage..All this..effected my personal relationships a lot..and made me more jealous than I should be..Anyways, I am trying to work on it…having a good self-talk…explaining to myself that not all men are the same..and that everything will be great between us…etc..

Post # 12
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@beekiss:  i worry all the time that i’m going to turn out like my mom. she did the same thing to my sister and i :/

OP, have you considered therapy? it sounds like it might actually do you a lot of good to talk to someone about your concerns and seek some help.

Post # 13
3755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

My mom cheated on my Dad after 30 years of marriage. I was 30 at the time and I had been cheated on in my early twenties and it was the most horrible thing to go through so for her to do it to my Dad REALLY made me so angry!!! It’s been a few years now and the divorce is final and both of my parents are seeing other people. My Dad took it well and worked through it all and thankfully things are peaceful. They still run their printing business together and remain friends which makes life much easier for all of us and our extended family and friends. 

I definitely saw a therapist for a few months because it was tough at first and I needed to work though some stuff. I highly recommend it, it really helps. I definitely felt like my view of marriage came crashing down, I had only been dating my bf at the time for about 6 months and things got rough. I just lost faith in relationships. But therapy helped and now we’re getting married next April and I don’t let my parents marriage dictate how mine will be. Good luck with everything!!

Post # 14
1282 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017 - Baton Rouge, LA

My dad perpetually cheated on my mom before & after they were married. He manipulated her into thinking he was the best she could get, so she stuck around. When i was in 1st grade, i think, she filed for divorce. But he was the one who said he was staying w his mistress. I’m proud of her for at least being the one to file the papers. My dad has now been married to that mistress for over 10 years. I refused to be in their wedding, but damn, shes turned out to be an amazing stepmother. She and my mom even get along now & are working together to plan my wedding. My mother is a freaking SAINT!

Anyway, i’ve always had trust issues bc of this. My dad, brother, grandfathers, uncles, all cheated on the women they were with. This was the only example of men I had around me. Poor Fiance. He didnt get into a easy situation. He hasnt ever given me a reason to be worried. But small, meaningless things make me freak out. I’ve gotten much better after 9 years. There are still days he has to look into my eyes and say “I AM NOT YOUR DAD!!”

The worse part is my dad is such an awesome dad!! I hate to think hes been such a shitty person. A couple of years ago, i had 2 half brothers show up. One 15 months older than me, one 2 days younger than me. My mom & dad were married for 8 years before i was born. yeah.

That being said- there ARE amazing, trustworth, good, wonderful men out there. I lucked the hell out & found one! Doesnt mean i never have those fears, but he’s damn good at reminding me he would never do that to me.

Just know you aren’t alone. PM me if you ever need a shoulder!

Post # 16
2098 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m terrified Fiance will cheat, but for a different reason. I was engaged many moons ago and he called it off. Just told me he couldn’t marry me. Found out 2 years later, he became engaged to 2 months after I moved out to the co-worker he was cheating on me with. Beyond hurt. Devastated. They for married (even though he cheated on her with me and I had no idea they were engaged) but ultimately divorced. He sent me a message on Facebook aboit 6 months after they divorced. I’ve gone through therapy and grief…it’s done and I really do forgive him. But that scarred me. It showed me that people, even though they say they love you, can really hurt you. 

FI’s ex wife cheated on him but he doesn’t seem to have the trust issues I have. ๐Ÿ™ I look at his phone sometimes, looking to “catch” him. For what? He literally has done nothing. No reason at all to think he would do that but I’ve been sooooo hurt before. I just sadly expect it. ๐Ÿ™ 


Once we marry and I get insurance, I’m seeing a therapist to rid this once and for all. I want to trust him. 

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