(Closed) Cheating: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

posted 10 years ago in Married Life
Post # 17
Member
1289 posts
Bumble bee

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@RxBrideToBe: He thought she was being suggestive and thats why he made a move on her? Uhhhhh…. why were they hanging out alone drinking wine? That right there is a shady move.

It sounds like he’s got some pent up emotions toward you (not accepting his proposal the way he thought you should have). I’m kind of put off that he offered you money instead of begging for forgiveness.

He’s got some explaining to do, and maybe your friend isn’t such a good friend afterall.

Post # 18
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

This situation sucks and I’m sorry you’re going through it.

It sounds like there were other issues leading up to this incident.I.E. He was unhappy about your reaction to the proposal/feeling like roommates.

 Honestly, I would be put off  if my husband and best friend were hanging out alone in our house while I was away (that’s just me though)- and I’d be suspicious of both parties. Your friend isn’t exactly the victim of your husband’s poor judgement- she put herself in that situation. I see a red flags all over that friendship.

 It would also bother me if my husband said she was being “suggestive.”  If a woman is being suggestive you end the evening- it’s not an excuse to make a move. 

In this situation I’d talk in depth with my husband about why he did it. Your best friend allegedly being “suggestive” isn’t an excuse. That actually makes it worse. If he gave me a reason like, “I haven’t felt  that you want me..” I would consider going to couples counseling to see if we could work out the issue.

 As for the friend, I wouldn’t consider a person who drinks alone with my husband a friend (I say this because I would never go over to my husband’s friends house to watch a movie and drink. It’s asking for trouble). But again, this is how I feel and what I would do. You know both relationships better than any of us. Only you know what is the right thing to do.
 

 

Post # 19
Member
1747 posts
Bumble bee

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@RxBrideToBe:Remember your vows, for better or worst. This is one of those bad moments but you can work through it. He was wrong but over a lifetime both of you will make some pretty silly mistakes. Fight for your marriage, leaving is not going to solve anything. You will still hurt. Time and honest communication will smooth things out and you will be happy again. Also, you have to ask how you contributed to this act of weakness. Why in the world is your “best friend” allowed to be alone with your husband? That’s unacceptable!

Post # 20
Member
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

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@Miss Tattoo:  I totally agree with you. 

Get the firepoker ready Rxbride…I think there are some more things that need to be unearthed with this situation.

Post # 21
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I see some big issues here.

1) Your husband and your best friend were alone drinking wine and watching TV while you were out of town.  This seems inappropriate.

2) Your husband believes that a woman being “suggestive” is enough justification to make a move on her.  His reaction to a woman, any woman, being “suggestive” should be to leave, or make her leave.  Period.

3) When you brought this up to him, he didn’t beg forgiveness or beg you to stay.  He offered to give you money so that you’d be okay without him.  It sounds to me like he’d already given up on working anything out.

4) He’s been angry at you since he proposed because he doesn’t like the way you reacted, but he’s never talked to you about it?  Communication is the key to everything and he didn’t communicate with you at all.  Instead he used this an excuse for why he made a move on your best friend.  That’s a bad way to be in a marriage and it’s completly unfair to both of you.

5) How long have you both been feeling like roommates instead of husband and wife?  Why does it take something horrible like this to make you talk about it?  Communicate communicate communicate!

I think you two need to get to a marriage counselor ASAP.  Lots of red flags here.  I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Post # 22
Member
929 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Don’t let him put it on you – maybe you didn’t react the way he envisioned to his proposal but:

1) you planned a wedding with him and married him, shouldn’t that negate any bad feelings?  

2) it certainly doesn’t excuse any bad behaviour with your best friend!

I hope you can work all this out with him, but please don’t let him put the guilt on you!  You clearly have things to work out together, and maybe the responsibility for the state you’re in lays with both of you, but in one way or another (2 sides to every story) he was out of order in the way he acted with your friend, and thats what cracked this open.  Deal with the big issues but don’t forget what set this all off. 

Good luck Xx

Post # 23
Member
2820 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with mrsmdphd, lots of red flags and communication issues going on.  But since you’re married I’d attempt to work on the issues. 

Even if your friend was being flirty you guys need to get to a point where you can be confidant that it won’t lead to cheating because hey some people suck and someones always going to be a dick (even if they lack one) and flirt with your husband. 

He needs to take you out on some dates, dates where you can talk about all the issues and not be afraid to really let some maybe not so nice things air out cause it seems like you both have some issues with one another.  Honesty really is the only way to go on both your parts and he’s going to have to be willing to earn back your trust, which takes time and should take time.  If he’s willing to put in the time, effort and conversations I’d think about taking him back depending on how those conversations go and if you feel like you can trust him after you guys start dating again (not that you should get divorced to start dating but he should treat this relationship like it’s a new one for now). 

Post # 24
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I’m so sorry you’re going through this :-(.

I agree with the others who have said that you need to talk about this is probably get some counseling, but I think you can work through it.

In the meantime, I would put some distance between you and your “friend”. Though your husband has some explaining to do, it’s pretty sketchy that your friend would be ok hanging out in your house and drinking wine with him while you were gone. That seems to indicate a lack of respect for you and your marriage on the part of BOTH of them.

Though your husband’s behavior isn’t excusable, it sounds like he’s not happy with where your marriage is right now so hopefully it’ll help a lot to talk through this. See what he’s expecting or wanting from your marriage (and communicate your desires for the marriage, too) and start working on how you can meet eachothers needs, emotionally and physcally. I bet if you’ll work on it, you’ll discover that your husband loves you as much as ever.

Post # 25
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - MacLean Park

Your husband’s behavior is not ok. How is it YOUR fault that HE messed up? No matter what his reasoning is, HE is responsible for his own actions. Not you. No matter what you’ve done, be it not responding to his proposal to his satisfaction, or murdering your mother-in-law with your gym socks, he chooses how he wants to react to it. End of story. Now, I believe that the motivation behind the action is key too. It’s important to know how he feels, and why he came to the decision to make a move on your friend. He says he feels underwhelmed by your relationship at current, and it seems that it’s taken bad behavior to make this issue known.

I agree with all the other posters that this is a severe red flag situation.

1) what the EFF is your friend doing at your home without you home, drinking alone with your husband? Bitch is not your friend. She’s a home-wrecker. Plain and simple. If she cared about you or your friendship, why would she put herself in that situation? I don’t care who you are, unless you’re the wife, you do not hang out 1-on-1 with a married man. Especially if you’re friends with the wife. Can we say Eva Longoria?! Let’s learn from her pain.

2) Why does your husband wait to royally screw up to voice any of these problems? It’s his own fault that he let things get to a boiling point before he came to you with his concerns. He needs to own up to that, and talk things out with you. If he felt like “roommates”, why didn’t he take you out on a date? Or make you dinner and light a few candles? Take a hot bath together? If you don’t know the problem, you can’t do anything to fix it. If he didn’t feel comfortable talking about it, he sure as hell could have taken a few simple steps to start making it right.

3) Wow, how generous is he in offering you a lump sum of hush money? Ok, so maybe that’s a little harsh. But where’s the flowers and jewelry? Where’s the begging on bended knee? I find it odd that he went straight to “I know there’s nothing I can do to make this better, so I’m going to pay you off to leave”. Does he want to make it work, or did he stage the stunt knowing you’d find out about it? Some guys can’t handle talking about problems, so they do things to push women away. I think you were smart to put the ball in his court and let him make the next move. If he wants to make it work, he’ll put in the effort. It shouldn’t be your responsibility to repair his damage.

I’m with the others that relationship counseling would be a good plan. The intent versus deed line gets blurred quick, and I think the bottom line is, he didn’t cheat. He danced on the edge, and showed you he’s capable of it, but honestly, I feel all men are (women too). It just depends on how weak they are in the moment. He needs to realize that he set himself up for failure in this situation, and he needs to keep himself from this sort of temptation in the future. He also needs to spend time rebuilding your trust. And you need to do your best to be fair to him (which it sounds like you’re doing a good job of that already). Give it some time before you make a decision. And get your REAL girlfriends to help you through the tough times. Kick that other slut to the curb.

Post # 27
Member
1058 posts
Bumble bee

What happens if he is out in a bar and some other girl is “suggestive” toward him, will he think it’s ok to make a move on her too because you don’t know her?  I would definintely take some time away from him and think everything through thoroughly before letting him off so easily. I’m SO sorry. I would be devastated if that happened to me. Good luck! 🙁

Post # 28
Member
7172 posts
Busy Beekeeper

You’ve already gotten a lot of great advice – I don’t really have anything new to add.  From what you’ve said, it sounds like DH has some unexpressed disappointment and is not communicating the way a husband should (ie: coming to you to talk it through).   Continue to talk about what happened with him, that’s the only way you can really figure out where you both stand and ultimately, what you want to do.  What he did was wrong (making a move on anyone – successful or not) and unacceptable.  In the end, you have to decide if you are willing to trust him and he needs to be willing to show you that’s he’s worthy of you trusting him again.  A counselor will help you both work through those things.  We are here for you and will help you through any decision you make.  

Post # 29
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

AMEN, @Sand dollar! I agree with every point you made.

 

Post # 30
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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@sand dollar: ++++++++1!!!

I think he is one of those guys who has a very difficult time dealing with rejection. (I.e. you not accepting his proposal correctly). He put a lot of money and effort into it and feels rejected.

He’ll do the next best thing and make you want to leave him so he doesn’t have to do the dirty work and deal with your water works.

Post # 31
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Sand Dollar is so incredibly right!

I’d like to add that you will definitely want to look into counseling for yourself (separate from couples’ counseling) whether you stay or you go. The feeling of rage and betrayal can eat your heart to pieces, whether you decide to forgive and continue the marriage or get on with your life, and friends and family, for all of their good intentions, have their emotions wrapped in protection for you and their own feelings about infidelity. That’s actually really good, but you’ll also want a space where you can really objectively explore your feelings, and a counselor helps so much. 

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