(Closed) Cheating: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

posted 10 years ago in Married Life
Post # 32
Member
2788 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

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@sand dollar: agree. 

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@RxBrideToBe: I don’t have any new advice to add, but wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts.  I hope it works out for the better.

Post # 33
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I just wanted to voice that I don’t think it’s super weird that the best friend was hanging out with the husband. Especially considering they knew each other since high school, there’s a good chance the best friend is also friends with the husband.  A married man should be allowed to watch TV with someone besides his wife.

Now, the fact that she was being “suggestive” is a red flag, and I agree with the rest of the advice, but I just want to counter the sentiments that a married man is not allowed to hang out with any other women.  Really?  I hang out with some guy friends one on one all the time?  That’s not the solution here.

Post # 34
Member
1663 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@LindaB: I don’t think this is super weird either! I have some guy friends that I hang out alone sometimes… (although most of the time it would be a group of guys) Fiance trusts me so he doesn’t really care. I told him right from the beginning that I have more guy friends than girl friends, and he was okay with that as long as the guy is not sleazy and he can trust him.

The issue here though, is that obviously someone in that pair isn’t just feeling the friend vibe from the other. It’s hard to pinpoint who, because both will deny. The friend will probably deny she was being suggestive…the husband will deny that he came on to her out of nowhere.

 

Post # 35
Member
1889 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I have to agree with all the points mrsmdphd made–it concerns me that your husband’s first reaction was to offer you money to leave him and complain about you.  Makes it seem like he might have made a move on your friend in hopes that you would hear about it, and he’d have an easy out.

I also agree with LindaB–it is not a crime to hang out with someone of the opposite sex, especially if they were friends before.  I think the fact that your friend let you know about this shows that she was probably not being “suggestive” with your husband–it seems like she was pretty horrified about his behavior.  She is being a good friend by telling you what happened; please don’t let your husband make you think she’s the “bad guy” in this situation.

Post # 36
Member
2312 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

This is nothing that couldn’t be fixed with some hard work, but neither of you seem committed to doing that really. Your first instinct was to leave and his first instinct was to suggest it was your fault it happened and then throw money at you to leave. This is the kind of thing that can make a weaker couple stronger and help build the foundation for an honest relationship, but you have to be willing to put in the work. If the first thing that occurred to both of you was to split up, maybe you’re better off.

Post # 37
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - MacLean Park

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@LindaB: I don’t think it’s so much that he can’t hang out with another woman, but the environment in which it was being done. As a married man (or woman), sitting home alone in the evening, watching television and drinking alcohol is something usually done with a spouse/partner. This is an intimate activity. In no way do I think it’s appropriate to do alone with someone of the opposite gender, especially if that person is more affiliated with your spouse. If you have a group of people? Sure! Sounds like a ball. But that one-on-one, traditionally romantic/intimate setting, is inviting trouble. They could have gone out to a sports bar to watch a game, or done anything else in a public place to hang out while the wife was gone. If he was hanging out alone with a good friend he’s had for years, who also happens to be involved in a happy marriage, then perhaps that would be a bit safer. I just think that in this case, they were both inviting trouble to their door.

If she had posted just about that incident alone, with no pass being made, and asked, what do you guys think? Then we’d all probably advise her to have a serious discussion with her husband involving why she may have been uncomfortable with that situation. But since there seems to be some risk of hanky-panky, and he can’t behave himself alone with other women, then hell yes this is a problem! One of my best friends needed a place to stay when driving from Dallas to Austin around 2am in the morning and found she was too tired to drive. I gave her my husband’s (then boyfriend’s) address and told her to crash there, and called him to let him know she was coming. Was I worried that my bff was “spending the night” with my boyfriend? No, because I knew neither would put a move on the other, and it was full disclosure what was going on. I think it’s not good that it seems the OP was unaware the friend was going to her home to watch tv with her hubs, and then found out about an incident later. You can’t really put a blanket statement on married folks hanging out with opposite genders, but you make a judgement on a case-by-case basis. And this one is, her friend was sending signals that she was interested in more than platonics, and her husband is weak when it comes to temptation. Thus, he should never hang out with another woman alone. Case closed.

Post # 38
Member
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

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@LindaB:  I agree with you on this 100%.  I wouldn’t find it odd if my BFF and my Fiance hung out together and were drinking.  Then again, I trust her not to be “suggestive” and I trust him to not make a move regardless of how much they were drinking.

Post # 39
Member
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Chances are that he’s going to meet other women over the years that are going to be suggestive, regardless if they know he is married or not. He should know better, as a man in a committed relationship, to not reciprocate.

Was your friend actually being suggestive or was this your husband’s perception? Is he really upset about the proposal or fishing for an excuse to put some blame on you? Did he seem too willing to help you start a new life without him?

Try counseling. Seriously. He needs to determine where he is in this relationship with you, and you deserve to know.

Post # 40
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I hate to be the one to bring this up… but what has RxBrideToBe done to help her marriage? How’s their sex life? What has she done to try and fix the “feels more like we are roommates than married” situation? Other replies seem to make the hubby 100% responsible for fixing the marriage. Hey! It takes two to create a bad marriage. 50% of the blame for this problem is on her. OKay, now that’s out of the way…

It is 100% inappropriate for a married man to be alone in a house with a single woman, drinking, in the evening and the wife is gone. There is nothing good about that situation, no matter how much the two are friends. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then it it’s a duck. The hubby was obviously tempted, had no self control and therefore can’t be trusted to be home alone with a single woman in his house guzzling wine together.

If I found out my hubby had done this, we’d be in marriage counseling the next day. 

Now, about the offer for money — I agree it sounds like he’s giving up and is already has prepared mentally to be reasonable about splitting up.  That’s giving in to ending a marruage, seems like it anyway. My question to RxBrideToBe is this — how much do you love him to work hard to save your marriage? What do YOU want?

With so many posts about cheating and seeing the pain and hurt it causes both parties… you gotta either nip this in bud quick or face harder consequences later. I also would be on the offensive and look for other clues that maybe the friend or the hubby may already have slept together or have had or currently having an affair. Look for other signs of unfaithfulness.

Anyway, my two cents… good luck dear.

Post # 41
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Sorry to hear that my dear. That’s really too bad.. fricken alcohol! If you do decide to stay together, I would recommend a form of couples councelling so you can rebuild the trust you once had in the relationship.

Post # 42
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

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@RxBrideToBe: Give us an update! I hope you are well.

Post # 45
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - MacLean Park

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@RxBrideToBe: Goodness gracious, girl, that’s a lot! I think you’re right that it’s going to be a long road. Things like these can’t be fixed overnight. Your friend’s fiancé is being a bit of an ass. I understand he’s dealing with things his own way, but he needs to leave you out of it. His woman is just as much to blame as your man. I’m sorry you have to deal with his outbursts.

I think distance from the neighbors is what’s best for everyone right now. My husband’s best friend’s wife and I got really close the six months after my wedding, and we just spent way too much time together. Lines tend to get blurred in this sort of situation. Balance is the key to life, and it seems you all were having a little too much time together. I understand that it hurts, and it sucks to have to pull away, but you really need to focus on you, and your husband and marriage, not your neighbor’s issues. They’re not your issues, even if it’s stemming from the same incident. Be cordial, but don’t pursue more contact for a while. Let your husband wine and dine you. You can also suggest he look up cheaper ways to go on dates 😉 Like museums, aquariums, picnics in the park. Things that will help you grown as a couple and experience new things, not always going out to the fanciest restaurants (though that’s really fun too!) I’d suggest a book, How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, by Pat Love. Also, Hot Monogamy. She’s a brilliant author, and a lovely woman, with tons of insight about relationships.

Last tip, try not to hash out every dirty detail with your girlfriends. I’m all about full disclosure, but if you only get to talk about the negative concerning your husband, you’ll never get to fully heal. It’s great that you’re giving him the chance to build the positives back up in your relationship. Good luck with everything, and know the hive loves you!

Post # 46
Member
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Wow…That’s so much for one person to deal with. I’m glad you updated us, and I’m so sorry for your pain.  Man!  Could he not have cheated with some random person that you never have to see again!  Situation is messed up as is without having to lose your best friends as well.  

I don’t see you being able to do anything at this point but wait it out.  Perhaps have both couples sit together and talk it out!  Maybe in time things would get back to some level of civility, but I doubt it will ever be the same again with them.

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