(Closed) Cheating: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

posted 10 years ago in Married Life
Post # 47
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - MacLean Park

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@cj_one2000: So since my ex beat me, verbally abused me, and completely undermined my mental and physical health, are you saying that’s 50% my fault? I know this can open up a huge can of worms, but cheating and abuse are very often 1-sided issues, meaning that only one person is responsible for those actions, not both. Sex can very easily become an addiciton for some people, and there’s nothing their partner can do to help them. See Halle Berry, or Charlie Sheen for public examples of sex addiction and their fallout. People in otherwise healthy relationships can be blindsided by cheating. It takes one weak moment to destroy a marriage, and I think it’s very judgmental, and uninformed, of you to accuse someone you know barely anything about of driving her husband to cheat.

How could OP know there was a problem if she wasn’t made aware of one? If her husband hasn’t brought up any issues before, and she feels like things have been a-ok, how is that her fault? Have you seen that Woody Allen movie? I can’t remember the name of it (Annie Hall, maybe?) but the scene where they’re being interviewed or in therapy speaks volumes. On the question of the frequency of sex, the woman says “We have sex ALL the time, at least three times a week!” and the man answers “We hardly ever have sex, maybe three times a week!”. Communication is key, and once you cut a partner out, they can’t do anything to make things better. And by no means is one person’s actions the fault of another’s. Life is a series of choices, one of my favorite quotes is by Charles Swindoll. “Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of what you choose to do about it”. No matter how unhappy you are in a marriage, you choose to heal or destroy it. He chose to make a move. Some choose to cheat. Others, like OP here, choose to hope for the future of their marriage, and strive to heal it. I think that should be applauded, not condemned. Please be more considerate in the future of the impact your words can have on others.

Post # 49
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

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@RxBrideToBe: I’m glad you guys are talking through things. I think it will be a long process and it’s totally normal (and ok) to still be hurt by this. Your husband (and bff, I think) DID break trust and it’s going to take a while to rebuild it. It sounds like your husband is trying to work on things, though, which is hopefully encouraging.

As for your bff/neighbors, I would suggest puting some space between them for now. Maybe even say something to them along the lines of, “This whole situation has really shaken me up and I’m going to need to time to work through it.” That way if you decide to try to repair relationship with them in the future, it leaves the door open for that. For now, though, I think the bigger priority is working on your relationship with your husband.

Post # 50
Member
3761 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

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@RxBrideToBe:

I’m glad to hear that things are going better and you are choosing to work on your relationship with your husband. 

One book that we read during marital counseling is “His Needs, Her Needs”. 

Link here on Amazon

Anyways, it talks about how to also build a relationship with a spouse after an issue like this.  We have never been through anything like this but it helps talk about ways to prevent by understanding that he probably made the move because some of his needs were not being met with your relationship.  You guys need to identify how to improve your relationship so both of your needs are being met and your “love bank” fills up again. 

Additionally, I think you need to cut “BFF” and her finance out of your lives.  I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but its reality.  You need to choose your relationship with your husband over that one.  You should return the key to their house, ask for yours back, decline the invite to be in their wedding, everything.  Let her know you REALLY appreciate her being honest with you about this but you have to choose your husband. 

Best wishes.

Post # 51
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Please go to couples counseling. It seems like your DH has a bit of resentment, and I think you might need help eventually forgiving him.

Best of luck to you both

Post # 52
Member
2820 posts
Sugar bee

I think your husband owes your bff and her Fiance an apology.  It sounds like your husband really honestly wants to work on this with you  and is taking steps to do that even if it will be a long road but part of working on it is owning the mistake and seeing how his actions have affected not just you but others.

Post # 53
Member
7172 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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@RxBrideToBe:  thank you for the update.  Hugs to you as you go through this.  Take one day at a time and don’t worry about things in the future (like bff’s wedding).  You need to focus on your husband and what’s going on with your relationship with him.  You have zero control over your BFF’s Fiance or your BFF and what they will decide to do (unfortunately).  All you can do is protect yourself and do what’s right for you and moving forward in your decision to be with your husband.  I really hope you can find a counselor you like.  I think they will really help you both with your marriage relationship – and eventually help you address the issue with your bff (when the time is right).  Don’t tackle it all at once – there’s WAY too much going on emotionally.  Focus on everything positive in your life – and I also think it’s SO WISE to keep the info limited to a trusted few.  Best of luck to you and we are here for you!

Post # 54
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

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@RxBrideToBe:

I didn’t have time to read your update post in it’s entirety but I just wanted to say you are a VERY strong woman and whatever you choose will be the right decision for you. *Hugs*.

Post # 55
Member
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Even if you stay together, you and your husband need couples counseling. Please do not try to navigate this alone or without the proper emotional and communication tools.

Post # 56
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@RxBrideToBe: My heart truly goes out to you- the situation is just so sad, and regardless of who is at “fault,” in the end, it’s YOU who got hurt. Thanks so much for giving us an Update and letting us know you’re doing ok for now. I have to ask, though- do you have any ill feelings towards your friend? Did you find out what behavior she was exhibiting that your husband indicated was “suggestive?” Has your husband spoken to or tried to make amends with your BFF and her fiance?  

Post # 57
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

I would also suggest you make a clear rule with your husband:  no spending time alone with a person of the opposite sex.  He needs to earn back your trust before you can relax this rule.   (Also, my husband and I have agreed that we do not spend time with people of the opposite sex alone at night or when alcohol is present.  And neither of us has ever cheated on anyone.  It’s just better to never get into a sketchy situation in the first place.)

Post # 58
Member
1058 posts
Bumble bee

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@RxBrideToBe: huggsies! 🙁 I hope everything works out for you I really do, I have been in a similar situation and it took me A YEAR to get over. Agonizing year, but this thing happened when me and my Fiance were still new. Anywhoo we are now engaged and the “THINGY” that happened believe it or not brought us even closer together. We are so open in our communication now and have such a great relationship as weird as it seems I’m kinda glad it happened.

Would I want it to happen again F*^%$ NO! lol but I love that man and dammit I wasn’t going to let him go sooo easily, but I will tell you he endured ALOT that year and he deserved it, but he never left me and he dealt with the breakdowns and depression and all of the bullsh*t that comes along with being cheated on. So I say he paid his dues. lol

Lastly, you had me LOL with this comment “Was a good night from then on (including when I stole a roll of toliet paper from this classy place cuz we were out…bahaha).” Ya know you gotta do what you gotta do. hahahahaha I would have done the same thing if my bag was big enough. he he he

Post # 59
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@RxBrideToBe:Thanks for the update, I think it’s normal to have a roller coaster of emotions during this.  I’m happy to hear that you are working on it/working through it.  It’s not easy, I commend you on the strength you are finding.  I think that counseling is invaluable option for you both. A trained professional will know how to deal with this situation and both of your feeling/emotions.  I think you will both come out stronger having done so.  I think you will get through it in a better way, too.  Because after the therapy there is a point where you are going to have to move on and have a “normal” life without it coming up every day.  That is very hard to do, so I think counseling can offer you copes/tactics to deal.  I’m wishing you the very best.

Post # 60
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Did want to chime in here and say her BF was NOT a single lady. She was an engaged woman who went over to a married man’s house who she was friends with—right next door (so this should have been a SAFE situation). Regardless of why the husband made a move, she fended him off and TOLD both her fiancée and her best friend right away.  This doesn’t sound like she wanted any part of cheating on either side. The husband was picking up on signals that clearly weren’t there as she didn’t want him- it could have been his “hope-dar” was interfering with his ability to understand the situation. And for anyone that says wine makes you do something stupid—it doesn’t it gives you someone besides yourself to blame for your actions—example proven by the fact that the BF had no problem saying no and removing herself from the situation. Wine is just an excuse to make bad choices that you KNOW are bad. The BF should get serious friend points and future wife points for handling a difficult situation responsibly by telling everyone affected by his actions immediately. And yeah, her fiancée is mad—he probably feels like his fiancée was attacked, as well his trust with his friend betrayed, and feels bad for the OP who he is also friends with.

Also, OP’s husband should have called OP and told her what was up before her friend did— because she should have heard it from him that he screwed up.

All that being said. I hope it all works out. It’s a very difficult situation and please do go to counseling- don’t try to handle this all on your own.  As I’m sure its very overwhelming and they will have some good insights for you. I’m really  sorry this happened and you are right it’s NOT your fault! His actions are his choice. He should have opened up lines of communication earlier and at the very least chose NOT to make an attempt at cheating. ((hugs))

Post # 61
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I really think your friend is at fault just as much as your husband. When reading your side things just dont add up. If your husband is the man you say he is he wouldnt just blindly go in for a move. There was some sort of exchange on her end that gave him the go… whether it was that specific night or another time; there was an exchange. And she probably felt guilty about it so ran straight to her Fiance and you.

The fact is you put your husband first. First before your kids and ESPECIALLY before your friends. I know its hard losing a friend and in this case especially hard being that she is a neighbor and your in her wedding… but if you truthfully believe your husband’s apologies you need to focus on forgiveness now and not worry about your neighbors.. I would even consider moving. It couldnt hurt. Focus on what you want… and if that means you want to stay married to him then just take the steps in patching that up. Good luck!

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