(Closed) Cheating, Would You Stay? (Spinoff)

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
  • poll: Under what circumstances would you leave? (I'll add options as people suggest them)
    Abuse of you and/or children : (228 votes)
    21 %
    Life in prison : (152 votes)
    14 %
    Criminal violence : (175 votes)
    16 %
    Infidelity : (158 votes)
    14 %
    Addiction, (refusing to seek help) : (165 votes)
    15 %
    Financial Irrisponsibility : (88 votes)
    8 %
    Mental Disorder, (refusing to seek help) : (127 votes)
    12 %
  • Post # 3
    3770 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo

    I totally agree with you… cheating and violence or abuse are probably the only things that would make me get a divorce.  If we were simply falling out of love, I would try and fight that.  If I found out my husband cheated on me, then it would be over.

    Post # 4
    2697 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I would absolutely leave if there was abuse of myself or my children. I would leave if there was a rape committed.

    The others are grey areas and circumstantial, to me. I do believe that falling out of love and being unhappy can be a legitimate reason, but I would put years of trying and work into a marriage before leaving for that.

    Post # 5
    2065 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    Honestly, I think it would depend on many factors – how long have we been married, what were the circumstances of the cheating? I mean, if my husband went out and slept with another woman tomorrow, I’m not sure how forgiving I would be. But if he has a drunken one night stand 15 years from now after we’ve built a life and family together, and comes to me to work it out? I’ll probably be singing a different tune. Forever is a very long time and shit happens no matter how much you love and respect a person. But a long term affair or habitual cheating? Again, different story. I can’t say point blank that I will leave if he cheats because there are so many different factors to be considered.

    Other things like abuse, violence, etc? Hell no. Not quite as a grey area as cheating in my book.

    Post # 6
    421 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Well I do agree that marriage is for life and there are other vows we take besides being faithful. But as someone who is marrying the person who cheated on me a year ago (before we were engaged), I don’t think I could stay with him after giving him a 2nd chance already. It’s been such a struggle for us and if he put me through that again WHILE we were married I don’t know how I could learn to ever trust him again. But that’s just me.

    Post # 7
    909 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    Abuse of me/children is the only one that would for sure make me leave. 

    I’m a big believer in divorce though. I hope to never have to be in the position to consider it, but when people stay in an unhappy marriage for any reason (religious beliefs, kids together, etc.) it makes me incredibly sad for them. I don’t think being miserable is ever the right choice. 

    Post # 8
    1243 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    It’s not cut and dry for me.  I would have a much more difficult time with a long-term cheating situation than a one night stand, for example.  The former implies that there were emotions involved, as well as long term deception, whereas the latter suggests something else (spur of the moment, more about the sex, etc).

    I can honestly say that I don’t know what I would do.  I do know that cheating doesn’t equal an automatic divorce for me.  

    Post # 9
    2548 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    It’s so hard to say. I can’t say what would make me get a divorce, but it is certainly an option. Yes, I made vows through thick and thin, and I do intend tokeep them, but I can’t see the future, and what may happen, so I could potentially get a divorce, for a variety of reasons, none of which I could possibly know right now.

    Post # 10
    5428 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Infidelity – cheating is the only divorce option for me. (religious based)

    BUT… I would leave/separate if spousal abuse etc… are present.

    Post # 11
    3126 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2017

    I would consider divorce AS A LAST OPTION for all of the reasons listed in your poll.

    I will never accept abuse of myself or a loved one.

    If Darling Husband did something to land himself in prison for life or was violent, he would not be the person I thought I was marrying and I would not hesitate to seperate myself from that situation. However, if I thought he was wrongful imprisoned or innocent, I would more than likely stick by his side. (I saw more than likely because, realistically, if he was in prison for 10+ years, well…I would probably get lonely and be forced to move on with my life.)

    If there was any infidelity, I think it would depend on the situation, how much effort we put into moving past it, and how well we are able to deal with it. We would definitely try counseling first and give it time (a year seams reasonable to me) but if we aren’t able to move past it after making a reasonable attempt we would consider divorce.

    Addiction and mental disorders also draw a firm line in the sand for me. I have dealt with both in my family and I will not stand by a person if they are not willing to get help. I have seen horrible behaviors escused for these reasons as well as the affects on small children and loved ones and I put this in the same catagory as abuse. I know if it came down to getting help or losing Darling Husband, I would (while in my right mind) chose help. If he did not feel the same way, I could not be with him. 

    Financial irresponsibility is a tough one for me. On one hand, fighting about money is not fun. We do our fair share (he spent $20 we don’t have on hobbies yesterday, GRRRR) but I would not, now or ever, leave him over small things like this. If he was a gambling addict and taking money out from behind my back, lying about money, opening credit cards or spending about my knowledge, and refused to change his ways… I wouldn’t stick by him while he destroyed both of our lives. I work too hard for my money and for me it is a sense of security. We live pay check to paycheck now, if he were to do anything that I mentioned we would never be able to get caught up. 

    We have been together 10 yers and have worked through a lot of these issues together (both in our own relationship and through family situations) so I severely doubt these would ever be a concern. That being said, we are committed to making our marriage work but will never sentence ourselves to a lifetime of misery if we are  better off apart than we are together after a reasonable attempt.

    Post # 12
    2196 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2017

    I would most likely get a divorce, I don’t think it would be a healthy relationship after that, I would never trust him. Cheating is on the same page as emotional abuse to me.

    He broke his vows, so mine would be void.

    Post # 13
    7311 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

    Cheating is not a cut and dry issue for me. If I found out tomorrow that my husband of less than a year had been cheating on me for our entire marriage, I’d be out the door. He could beg, plead, make promises, etc. and it would all be absolutely worthless to me. If our marriage was a lie from the get-go, then it was never really a marriage to begin with. 10 years from now if he makes a really bad choice, instantly regrets it, and will do anything to fix my broken trust, I’m not going to throw away the life that we have built over one mistake.

    All of the other options listed above would definitely be grounds for divorce. If he hurt me, my child, or some random stranger, he would not be the man that I know and married. If he decided (note: this term implies legal competence. if he was not legally competent for some reason, it would be on me to step in and assure he no longer had access to our finances) to blow all of our money and left me bankrupt, unable to care for my son, etc., you’d better believe that I would end our relationship. I will never again let a man do that to me. Been there, done that, left him (the ex). If he knew he had some sort of mental illness that made he and everyone around him miserable and refused to do something about it, I’m out. Again, I will never again allow someone else to drag my child and I through hell. Teen LK and I deserve something better than misery. Mr. LK and I made a vow to each other to take be the best partner to the other person that we can be, and to what is necessary to be in the right frame of mind. If he chose not to uphold that vow, that’s on him.

    But I chose to marry Mr. LK because I know he’s just not that guy. He is loyal to a fault. He is willing and able to seek out professional help when he needs it. He is incredibly financially responsible after seeing people he loved go through the school of hard knocks. And he is the most kind, caring, and gentle man I know.

    Post # 14
    1815 posts
    Buzzing bee

    For me personally, it isn’t so cut and dry. I’m not going to be in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of staying married. But I’m also going to my damndest to make it work. Therapy, time, whatever. It wouldn’t be an easy decision.

    Post # 15
    13099 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    There is a lot of grey areas for many things for me.  Abuse of myself or my children – I’m gone, no questions.  An addiction of some sort that he refused to seek help for and was therefore dragging me and his children down with him, I’d consdier it there as well.

    Cheating all depends on teh circumstances to me.  A continued, repeated issue – we’re done?  A one time mistake 10+ years into our marriage – different story.  And obviously there are so many possible happening between the extremes too.  It definitely isn’t cut and dry.

    Post # 16
    9570 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I would leave for abuse for sure.  All the other ones would depend on the circumstances and divorce would be a last resort.

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