(Closed) Cheating, Would You Stay? (Spinoff)

posted 8 years ago in Intimacy
  • poll: Under what circumstances would you leave? (I'll add options as people suggest them)

    Abuse of you and/or children

    Life in prison

    Criminal violence

    Infidelity

    Addiction, (refusing to seek help)

    Financial Irrisponsibility

    Mental Disorder, (refusing to seek help)

  • Post # 32
    Member
    1377 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    This is all so subjective.

    Abuse, violence towards others, refusal to get help for addiction, absolutely I would leave.

    Life in prison-If he was guilty, yes. If he was falsely convicted, no.

    Cheating-If we were newlyweds and childless, I would leave. If we had been married ten years and had kids, I would try to work things out. Also, it would depend on whether he owned up to his mistake. If he was truly remorseful and willing to take every measure under the sun to win back my trust, maybe I’d take him back. If he pulled the “you drove me to cheat because you’ve gained weight and don’t pay enough attention to me” crap, he’d be out the door. 

    Financial irresponsiblity-Again, depends on how bad the transgression is. Overdrawing his checking account, I’d forgive. Emptying our IRAs and blowing it on a yacht, no.

    Untreated mental illness-I can see how someone may be in denial about it, especially since there is such a stigma around metal illness. In that case I’d probably seperate and hope he came to his senses about what he was giving up by not seeking help. If that didn’t happen within a reasonable amount of time (like a year) then I’d move onto divorce.

    If any of the above was issues with a BF, then I’d leave, no question. Marriage is hard enough without going into it with such a shaky foundation.

    Post # 33
    Member
    9832 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2019

    i also never plan on getting divorced, i would only leave in extreme circumstances, such as cheating, abuse or violent/sexual crimes

    Post # 34
    Member
    1360 posts
    Bumble bee

    I do not believe divorce is an option except under extreme circumstances. I voted infidelity, abuse, and criminal violence (murder, rape, something really extreme). Those are the only justifiable reasons for divorce, IMO. However, infidelity might not be a cause for divorce in my own case IF it only happened once AND we went to counseling AND he never did it again.

    Post # 35
    Member
    2559 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I find it so interesting when people say they don’t believe in divorce or that their guy just. isnt. that. guy. Don’t y’all think we all feel like that? But abuse, addiction, mental disorders, they all potentially have an onset later on in life and you can’t predict what will happen. These are all so subjective that I can easily think of circumstances for each category under which I would leave, or alternative scenes where I would stay.

    I’d love to say that I don’t “believe in divorce” or that my husband is “not that guy”. And for now, I don’t, and he’s not. But if our circumstances ever changed to a marriage that was unbearably miserable and we’d tried to fix it to no avail for a long time, I would have to leave. Life is too short to waste your happiness, health, and dreams for a man who changed beyond your control, disrespected you crucially, or doesn’t return the love or effort you give.

    Post # 36
    Member
    679 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    @MrsWrangler: “Life is too short to waste your happiness, health, and dreams for a man who changed beyond your control, disrespected you crucially, or doesn’t return the love or effort you give.” <—- Yes! Exactly!

    I don’t know anyone who goes into marriage thinking, “Wow I want to get a divorce someday.” I’m sure no one getting married thinks they’ll end up divorced. But I have a hard time swallowing the whole “I absolutely don’t believe in divorce and will never get divorced unless some huge, critical disaster occurs.”

    So if 10, 15 years down the road, you or he have both changed so significantly that you are completely miserable, you’ll be fine knowing that you’ll be miserable for the rest of your life, because you don’t believe in divorce? I don’t know if I could do that.

    Post # 37
    Member
    3 posts
    Wannabee

    View original reply
    @AnAppleA_Day:  Oh, I totally understand what you are saying.  Don’t mean to disrespect anyone.  Just feel as though even people who you think are good & you 100% trust do dumb things. 

    Post # 38
    Member
    578 posts
    Busy bee

    I whole-heartidly agree. It’s such a shame more people don’t feel the same way. So many of my girlfriends have already spoken about the possibility of divorcing a future husband if they just dont “click” anymore, etc. 

    The only reasons I will ever divorce would be the 3 A’s  (abuse, adultry, addiction). And in all of those situations I will only leave if the problem is one where he is refusing to seek help or change. 

    Being from a divorced family, I have thought long and hard about what situation would ever cause me to divorce the one I have vowed to stay with.

    Post # 39
    Member
    2393 posts
    Buzzing bee

    When I was single, my answer would have been an unequivocal “no” —  I would not stay if my DH cheated.

    However, I feel differently since getting married. I loved him a lot when we were dating, but my love has definitely grown deeper and stronger since we joined our lives together as husband and wife. At this point, I can’t imagine life without him. So… IF he cheated I would be highly inclined to fight for the marriage, assuming he was willing to go into counseling together or something like that.

    However, I know he is true blue and none of this is ever going to happen. I trust him completely and fully…. he’s not the cheating kind and he only has eyes for me.

    Post # 40
    Member
    470 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I have been divorced. The reason for my divorce was addiction related. He had a porn addiction and refused to be intimate with me. We were married for 13 years and I put up with it for 10 of those years.

    I tried and by the time he relented and went to marriage counseling I was done. I couldn’t trust him. I felt horrible about myself. My kids are well adjusted. There is no fighting between my exhusband and I and we are quite civil around our children.

    I am now married and should any of the above happen in my relationship of course I would try to work it out first. I sure as hell wouldn’t try again for 10 years with nothing being resolved. I would set a timeline of if they didn’t agree to therapy within a month of the issue arrising then they are not to worried about the relationship lasting.

    I wouldn’t try at all if cheating, imprisionment, or abuse happened. I believe that in a relationship if a person cheats they are not getting their needs met and within that relationship it will happen again. Discussion should happen about needs not being met way before the event occurs. Most people will fight about you don’t do x for me, you aren’t as x as you were before, etc.

    It’s easy to think that people who divorce take the easy way out. I know of a lot of people who have and I saw them struggle for years and years before they said enough. Life is too short. Yes life has ups and downs. You will be married to someone you don’t exactly like sometimes. You work through it. If one person is only working through it there is no marriage left to save.

     

    Post # 42
    Member
    2559 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    View original reply
    @wildflowerbee:  Being from a divorced family, I have thought long and hard about what situation would ever cause me to divorce the one I have vowed to stay with.

    I’m from a divorced family who are still bitterly angry at each other and am estranged from my father’s side of the family due to this resentment. The heartache I watched my parents go through and still feel, 6 years later, also definitely made me think long and hard about divorce – but also about what is worth putting up with and when to fold your cards (after valiant effort to repair) and accept that shit happens. If my mother had stood up for herself and put hard limits on what she could and couldn’t accept in her relationship (parenting problems, adultery, emotional disconnect), she might have spared herself years of pain.

     

    View original reply
    @AnAppleA_Day:  Agreed. My marriage is worth so much to me, but if we fail, it is not worth a lifetime of resentment and despair. And I’ve only been married this once – it’s not like I’m several times divorced, I just feel like this “my guy is perfect!” mentality is unrealistic.

    Post # 43
    Member
    679 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    @MrsWrangler: Right. And I’m certainly not saying that I’ll just up and file for divorce if I think we have fallen out of love or we don’t click anymore – in those circumstances I’d absolutely fight to get things back on track. But if it were something bigger I don’t think I’d waste much of my time just to avoid the stigma of being divorced.

    Post # 44
    Member
    4272 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    I would consider divorce for all the things listed.

    Why?

    My parents forced themselves to stay in an unhappy marriage. It was absolute hell (I am talking physical arguments, affairs, attempted suicides and the children being there to witness it all). My sisters were the most tramatized from the ordeal and have had to see a therapist. They dragged it out for years until finally getting a divorce. And no, getting a divorce is not easy. It is expensive and long sometimes. When children are involved, it can be much worse. I was forced, by my mother, to write a statement against my own father for the court. My parents would constantly have to go to court to work out custody issues, which cost more money. Some women, such as my mother, have no where else to go. They do not have a college degree or they have never worked.

    Things are slowly getting better 10 years later, although I sometimes feel like I am still forced to choose between the two.  My mother is a very bitter person and was not supportive during my wedding plans at all.

    I would have liked to have parents that truly loved each other, but sometimes that is not the case and people should not have to feel like they need to put up with the unhappiness because of their vows……

    Post # 45
    Member
    578 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    @MrsWrangler:  My situation sounds somewhat similar to yours, actually. If my mother had my guidelines for when to get a divorce, she would have had one many years earlier. Instead she never filed. My father did. A lot of baggage/resentment/court issues are still going on, even though the divorce was 16 years ago. In fact there was a court hearing yet again this week. In no way am I saying divorce is wrong and should never be done, simply stating my criteria for when it should/would have to happen for me. I have taken psychology classes on the subject of divorce/marriage, as well as done my own research on what makes one more at risk to have a divorce, and have worked to limit every single one of my risk factors as much as I can. Unfortunately coming from a family of divorced parents is a large risk factor. My parents are still very bitter and angry, and it’s very unhealthy. Because of these life experiences, I have strong thoughts on the matter of divorce, especially with children involved.

    luckily i have an SO who, while he has none of the experiences I have had on the matter (thank God), feels the same way and understands my opinions. I am happy to say that I highly doubt I will ever be put in this situation in my marriage with him

    Post # 46
    Hostess
    11163 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    All but infidelity would probably lead to me leaving if help and counseling were not on the table. When it comes to cheating I have a hard time making it a black and white matter.

    I have cheated on past relationships (NOT on my DH). I cannot even explain from a previous cheater’s POV what goes through your head. There were times when I was sorry and times when I wasn’t…depending on the relationship. I love my husband and feel solid in our relationship and obviously committed to him and him alone. If he were to cheat I would be devastated and incredibly hurt but I cannot say yes or no if I would leave.

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