Cheating: Would you tell?

posted 1 week ago in Beehive
Post # 16
Member
10242 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Neither my husband or myself can imagine we’d ever cheat on each other but we both agree we’d want to know. Honesty is important in a relationship and if our relationship became so broken that cheating occurred more lies certainly isn’t going to be the way to fix it.

Saying that lying/keeping the truth from your partner is somehow a selfless act or is a way of punishing yourself is bullshit in my opinion. It’s just a way to rationalize not having to accept consequences for your actions.

Post # 17
Member
7165 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

View original reply
@beesinging:  I agree. No one can ever imagine cheating (because they probably wouldn’t get married if they could), so it certainly isn’t on my radar, but no, I wouldn’t tell, nor would I want to know if he did. That is, of course, under the condition that the cheater truly regretted their action and would work to make the marriage better and never cheat again. It isn’t carte blanche to cheat with impunity.

I also agree that in many cases, not only was the cheating all about the cheater, but so is telling. They often tell simply to assuage their own conscience, not becasue it will help their partner in any way. Often, telling the other person simply means equal pain for them, too. I think a lot more people would rather not know than this thread indicates, and I’m absolutely one of them. Again, if the one-time cheater regrets it, will not do it again, and will work to make the marriage better, then why cause so much pain to someone? 

It’s also telling that beesinging’s post currently has 12 likes, but virtually no one has the stones to say it out loud. 

 

Post # 18
Member
16 posts
Newbee

I wouldn’t want to know if my partner cheated. I had an ex cheat once, and telling him only made himself feel better. Staying and working through that was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. We got through it and amicably broke up for different reasons, but looking back, it would have been better for me if he didn’t tell me. Cheater feels guilty? TFB, deal with it and don’t drag your partner down with you.

Post # 19
Member
951 posts
Busy bee

I cheated on my ex boyfriend in college. It was so so so stupid and I stopped it before we had sex. The guy I cheated with begged me not to tell (my boyfriend was his best friend… such an awful and regrettable situation) and I agreed, but I told my boyfriend less than 60 seconds after it happened because I felt so awful. I could never, ever hide cheating. 

I will never cheat again. If I even feel the urge for a second, it means there’s something so fundamentally wrong in my marriage that it’s time to get to counseling ASAP before calling it quits. 

Post # 20
Member
9056 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I have been in a crap relationship and tempted to cheat. But I realised it is a crappy, cowardly and selfish thing to do and I had to make a choice between staying and working on the relationship or calling it quits (which I did).

Saying that not telling is some how saving the other person unnecessary pain is a steaming pile of bs. If you were so concerned about that then you would never have cheated. The horse has left the gate on trying to claim some morality. It is being even more cowardly and selfish. If you don’t ever want to know your partner cheated then cool, make sure they know that. But you, the cheater, do not get to decide that for the other person. 

There are also very real health consequences from cheating and your partner has every right to know that you put their health at risk (because condoms do not protect you from all STI’s).

Post # 21
Member
919 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

View original reply
@julies1949:  Yes!! This! “If it bothered their conscience so much to keep a secret, wouldn’t their conscience have prevented them from cheating in the first place?”

I’m in the don’t tell camp. If you want our relationship to end tell me but I’d rather not know if it was a one-time thing. Ongoing affair and you don’t love me, let me know.

Post # 22
Member
1514 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

I should want to know if I’ve been cheated on, but also ignorance is bliss… idk haha

Post # 23
Member
1028 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2018 - UK

I’m generally of the opinion that if you make the decision to break your marriage vows (or just the boundaries of your relationship if you’re not married), then you don’t get to unilaterally make the decision that the relationship continues regardless. If you’ve done something that you know would make your partner reconsider the relationship, then you owe it to them to give them that option.

My previous boyfriend cheated on me, if I’d known then I would absolutely have ended it. As it was, he kept me hanging on in a relationship where I didn’t know all the terms. If my husband had cheated on me, I would want to know so I could make the decision about whether I continue the relationship. He doesn’t get to break our vows, lie to me, and then continue like nothing happened. Not knowing about it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

Regardless, it would be a somewhat moot point in my case because I know I wouldn’t be able to lie to him. I would almost definitely cave the first moment I saw him, and burst into tears. I physically wouldn’t be able to keep that secret.

Post # 24
Member
4185 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If it was actually a one-time stupid mistake, i’m not sure i’d want to know. Like if he’s traveling and got drunk and hooked up with someone and was never going to see or contact them again, I feel like me knowing would do more damage than him just keeping it to himself. 

If it was an actual relaitonship I’d feel differently.

Post # 25
Member
3464 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

My boyfriend when I was 16 cheated on me. He told me and we broke up. Looking back I’m not sure why he told me, he could have just broken up with me. It was a one night stand and tbh I think not knowing in that situation would have been better for me (this was 20 years ago now so really seems like NBD) 

im not proud of this but I cheated on another ex when I was 18. I wanted out and didn’t know how to do it. I wanted him to make the decision (suppose that’s what my ex before had done lol) I told him so he’d dump me…

the more mature me sees all the grey in this question. I think if my husband kissed or just had a one night stand I wouldn’t want to know. I don’t think I want to put my family through that. If he was in love and it had been going on for some time, that’s different and I’d want to know.

 

Post # 26
Member
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I’d want to know about an affair. I’d want to know about unsafe sex. I’d want to know if I knew the other person, or if he had to stay in contact with them (say, a coworker)

If he made out with some random person a couple of years ago, I wouldn’t want to know.  I’m not going to get divorced over a kiss, so all disclosure would do is transform his guilt into my insecurity. No thanks. 

Post # 27
Hostess
4076 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

View original reply
@echomomm:  I think a lot more people would rather not know than this thread indicates, and I’m absolutely one of them. Again, if the one-time cheater regrets it, will not do it again, and will work to make the marriage better, then why cause so much pain to someone? 

This is true for me too.  If it truly was a one time thing and the person feels deep regret, cuts off all contact, and works on making the marriage better, I would not tell/want to know.  If it was a long term affair or something, it would be different to me I think.  My dad had an affair and I saw the distruction – for me, if I knew, it would be a dealbreaker, but if it truly was one time and I didn’t have to know, I would rather not.  Of course I wouldn’t want to hear about it from someone else if I was blissfully unaware, but I don’t think it would make a difference whether my spouse came clean or I found out from another person.  Once trust is gone, I would be checked out.  

ETA: D.H. and I were dating when everything with my dad came out, so I’ve always been very clear with him that he better have the balls to end our relationship if he wants out vs cheating.  We all hope that this would never happen to us, but I never thought my dad would cheat. After witnessing that pain, I cannot fathom that I would ever do the same to D.H. 

Post # 28
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 1985

Nope!

Post # 29
Member
7640 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Everyone believes they are so honourable (on the internet especially), but I disagree. If youre shitty enough to cheat, youre shitty enough to want to protect yourself and not tell. Would I love to think I’d tell him? Of course! I would be such an insane piece of shit that I would never be able to trust myself again. If my husband cheated on me you better believe I’d want to know. *I* will determine what I’m comfortable moving forward with, not the cheater. 

Post # 30
Member
331 posts
Helper bee

I wouldn’t tell and I wouldn’t want to know. Honestly, I do not condone cheating AT ALL, but if it was a fuckup (not some long winded affair where my heart (or his) was somewhere else), I wouldn’t say anything because it is only going to ruin things for him just as much as me. Sure, I wouldn’t deserve him still after it, but I know I would rather be in ignorant bliss if he cheated  (one time slip up, not like repeated shit) than try to work through it and never trust that person again and always hate my relationship. 
not sure what that says about my character 🤷🏻‍♀️

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