(Closed) Check out this email I got from my college friend:

posted 11 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 32
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Hmm, maybe it’s a differnece in conversational/email styles, but that looks exectly like an email my friends and I would send to each other.  Since you’ve considered some of her remarks snarky in the past, is it possible you’re reading too much into this, simply expecting it to be rude?  I took it as a friendly, breezy, informal, and short message in response to your friendly, informal, and short message.  And I think it’s perfectly normal to ask if other mutual friends are coming (or at least are invited)–I completely agree with MightySaphire that she might want to avoid mentioning the wedding to univited mutual friends. 

Post # 33
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

i wouldn’t worry about it at all! She isn’t trying to be a B and if she is…who really cares! It’s your wedding and you have enough to worry about. =)

Post # 34
3575 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think you’re reading too much into it.  I didn’t ‘get’ that from her reply at all. 

Post # 35
2206 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m also agreeing, I think you are reading a lot into it. You may be sensitive about the topic, and that is why. Don’t worry about it!

Post # 36
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I’m just going to chime in and agree that I think you’re reading too much into it.

Re: the date comment. I think she’s just explaining that she didn’t know your wedding date when she planned her vacation and she’s sorry she can’t go.

Re: other college friends.  I think she’s probably just interested to know who’s going.  My ex-best friend from college is getting married after me, and I was with our mutual friends this weekend.  I definitely asked them who got invited — just because I was curious!

Post # 37
11324 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I wouldn’t be upset at that at all. That is the kind of response that I would write, not because I was upset but because I’d want you to know that I am truly sorry I couldn’t attend. Like… if I had known the date I’d have done my vacation a different week so I’m sorry about the coincidence type thing. Not placing blame, but rather making sure you know you are important to her. And re: who else is coming… I think its just curiousity. Try not to let the wedding stress-monster eat you 🙂

Post # 38
1250 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree with @hotchildinthecity. If I can’t make it to a wedding, I usually tell the person why…I guess I feel kind of rude just saying “I can’t come” and leaving it at that. I want them to know that its not like their wedding isn’t important to me, and I would have gone if it weren’t for these other factors. I also usually ask about who of our mutual friends is invited, both because I’m curious and also to make sure I don’t create awkwardness by talking to someone about it who wasn’t invited. You’re right, its not necessarily their “business” persay, but I don’t really think its rude to ask.

Post # 39
1209 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I don’t think that she was being rude. I agree with the others, I think that you are reading too much into it. =)

Post # 40
2635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

That email sounds exactly like something I would have written.  I always feel the need to explain myself, so I would have included the vacation info she did…and as for the college friend part, I would have put that in there just for conversations sake.  So, yeah, I don’t think she meant anything mean by it. 

Post # 41
2640 posts
Sugar bee

As is, I agree with the others.  Is there soemthing else going on you haven’t mentioned?  Obviously you know her.  We don’t.  So we not be catching what you see.  Did you send STD to other college friends, but not her?  (Maybe she found out.)  Did you discuss the possibility of a B list to anyone who might have slipped and let her know?

Bottom line, let it slide.  Give her the benefit of the doubt.  It’s a stretch to pull something rude out of this message.  So you could be heading down a road of ruining a friendship over something that could be a complete misunderstanding. 

If she is angry and tried to take a dig, well why is it that big to you?  You questioned inviting her in the first place, and admit to letting the friendship slip.  It sounds like it won’t effect your life too much if she iddn’t go, or you didn’t really speak to her again.

Post # 42
5262 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

That sounds like something I would have written, with no snarky intentions. I would have put the part about the vacation in to show that I wanted to come, and that it was an honest mistake. I would have been curious about who else was coming just for curiosity’s sake. I’ve lost touch with a lot of people over the years, so if I know a mutual acquaintance has been in contact I sometimes ask how they are. 

Post # 43
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’m with virginia on this one. Your e-mail to her wasn’t very long or inviting in my opinion. It was pretty casual. It seems like her response was similar. I don’t think she’s trying to undermind you here. She’s simply stating that she didn’t know the date. How could she have known if you havn’t talked to her about it? & I also think her asking about anyone else from your college is just her simply asking. She sounds like she’s starting conversation to see who all is keeping in touch. She’s part of your college life that’s why she’s asking about college life. Thats probably why she thought it was “her business” to ask about college friends.

Post # 44
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

i don’t think she meant anything by that! honestly though I’m exactly like you lol i would be like “what the hell how rude?! you didn’t even say congrats” but i wouldnt say anything to her or anyone else id just forget about it.

Post # 45
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I have to add that I’m having a very small guest list, and appreciate when people ask if people they know may be invited… so maybe she knows who she can talk about the wedding afterwards with, or who she is missing out on seeing that is going to be there?

The lack of congrats is sad, but definetly an innocent enough email.

Post # 46
47 posts

I agree with what others have said, in that it seems innocent. 

I also agree with noritake that it seems unfinished, but at the same time, judging by the tone of both your email and her response – casual, conversational – it kind of seems to me that maybe she was expecting a conversational email back and then she’d finish her point. Kind of like if you emailed back “oh that’s too bad, and actually, I invited – insert friends’ names here”, she would then respond with finality and say something like, “sounds like fun, congratulations/have a great day etc”. I’m not sure if I explained it right… Does that make sense? I don’t know, sometimes within my group of friends, emails take on IM-like qualities in that each email is part of a bigger conversation and not independent. That being said, I don’t know her, or you, or your typical conversation styles so that’s just my hypothetical two cents : ) 

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