Post # 1
The big day has come and gone and it was truely amazing. Everything everyone says about the day flying is right – it felt like it was over soon after it started but it is the best day!
Don’t bite my head off or call me a greedy bride for this post. I understand that guests aren’t charged admission to a wedding but as you might guess, I had a few unbelievable guests. The first and biggest was my husband’s aunt and her grown (early 20s) kids. When we first sent out our save the dates she responded back that yes she would be attending and with her 3 grown kids (all of whom were invited) “plus a few extra guests”. So I quickly let her know that unfortunately plus ones were not available as we were having a small wedding (the exeption was for married, living together, or very long term relationships). We only had 70 guests planned and that was because that was a small as we could reasonably get the list down to. Honestly we were hoping for declines. She tried hard to get the plus ones, offered to “chip in” for the plus ones etc. Bottom line, we said no.
Fast forward to a week or so before the wedding and we find out one of the 3 kids can’t make it. No problem, we advised our venue of our final numbers and paid our final bill a couple of days before the big day. I let the aunt know we had let the venue know. Also – fyi our per head cost was $130. To be honest, I was happy to save the $. I had lost my job a few weeks before the wedding and any savings were greatly appreciated. Also my husband and i were entirely paying for the wedding and using savings to do so. In any event on the wedding day one of the “kids” brought a date and basically wedding crashed. Nobody knew the guy and it was a fresh relationship of only a few months. The aunt was fully in the know on this and they all came together. I refused to let it bother me on the day. I heard through the grapevine afterwards they were surprised there was not a seat, name card and meal for this surprise guest. Wow! Really? … I don’t think so. Sounds like a little cya if you ask me. So of course our venue provided them a meal and seat and we off course will be billed for the extra guest. So despite the cheek of it all when we opened their card I was very much expecting a generous gift due to 4 adults attending, one of which was a wedding crasher. There was a $100. In my area the “expectation”, widely known and held is for a wedding guest to give $100 per guest as standard. This comes from the reality that weddings are extremly expensive here and it is nearly impossible to get a per head cost under $100. I can’t get over being so peeved – mostly at the cheek of it all but to add insult to injury the ridiculously cheap gift. And no, these people are not struggling. All of the kids receive heafty “allowances” from their rich divorced dad and the aunt, I hear, lives in quite the lovely home. My mind boggles. What would you guys do? Let it go (sooooo hard to do!), send the thank you note and perhaps be cheeky myself and say thanks to the 4 people for attending and for thier $100 gift, or not even send a thank you note which is how I am feeling now because honestly what would it say – thanks for overiding our wishes and bringing a guest we didn’t invite or want and made clear was not invited, thanks for costing us over $500 for your group of 4 and giving a gift of $100, or should I be cheaky as well and send the invoice for the wedding crasher guest to the mom so that she can see just how expensive each guest is and follow up on her offer to “chip in” …. of course my husband will probably not allow any of these things but I just can’t let her think she got away with it and won.
There were a few other crazy stories as well, but this is by far the worst!
Post # 3
HAHA It’s early morning and I’m a bit bitter… so my immediate reaction would be to send a cheeky thank you card… maybe one to each of them, saying thats for the $25 haha!!! But in all honesty, at the end of the day, it’s not worth the hassel. It might make you feel good in the short term, but long term would probably be affected… so although I’m a bit tired and cranky, and part of me says go for the cheeky, I think it’s probably best if you dont! Good luck with whatever you decide!!
Post # 4
I can’t believe she just brought someone after you told her she couldn’t! That’s so rude. But it’s good that there was no place for him, I’m sure that was pretty embarrassing for her. Try not to hold it against the guy, because he may not have even known that he wasn’t invited.
That said, while your aunt was totally rude to bring along a wedding crasher, giving you a gift is not rude. Write a gracious thank you note and try to move on. She did something that was actually rude and that’s enough to be mad about, it’s not worth dwelling on the thing she did that was not rude, and which you yourself said might make you look greedy.
No one makes money on their wedding, and it isn’t right for you to choose a venue which cost $130 a head, and then hold it against your guests. They didn’t choose to spend that much, you did.
Post # 5
My sister’s wedding last year consisted of doctors, lawyers, etc. We were shocked when she barely made back a third of the wedding cost. Checks of $50 were pretty common. So, while I agree that $100 for 4 adults is kind of measly, there’s also no set “rule” of how much to give. I would just suck it up and write a nice note. She could have given you nothing. Don’t you ever wonder about the ppl with the most money? It’s because they don’t spend it 🙂
Post # 6
That is effed up of them! I would be insanely pissed as well. However, I would write a thank you, but add in some sort of quietly snarky comment. And I would also be annoyed if I got a gift of $100 from a group of 4 people–it’s obviously not really fair to be upset about how much of a gift they give, but I would be peeved. But don’t let it ruin your memories of your day! Congrats!
Post # 7
Oh, that is just so rude! I know this isn’t necessarily the ‘right’ response to that kind of behavior, but I wouldn’t send a thank you at all. The money is one thing, chalk it up to being cheap, or maybe just unaware of common practice. But bringing a guest that wasn’t invited- that would drive me MAD! I’m soooo worried about this for our wedding.
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2010 - New York Botanical Garden
Congrats on having the best day!! I totally understand about being upset, but I would say for the thank you, just write a nice note and be the bigger person. You can only control your own actions – she already made a bad decision, you can make a good one! and then go off and be totally pissed…I would!
Post # 9
I agree that is was rude the aunt brought a clearly un-invited guest, but I have never heard of a standard $100 PER guest gift to the couple. Maybe it’s just where I’m from, but all gifts (no matter the size) are greatly appreciated. I would send a sincere thank you note for the gift you did receive.
Post # 10
You can’t change the fact that she brought an uninvited guest or that your venue was $130 pp now. If you don’t send a Thank You or sending an invoice would be as rude as your Aunt apparently is.
Handle the situation gracefully. Send a Thank You note and move on.
Post # 11
Your day was great, you said so! Just send the thank you and move on from the situation. The more you end up dwelling over this, the more it’s going to overshadow the happiness you felt at your wedding.
Post # 12
This is definelty a crazy story, but I’m sure with time it will become one of those hilarious stories you tell until the day you die. The best and most elegant way to deal with the situation is to write a simple and nice thank-you note. I know its SO tempting to speak your mind and write something snarky, but the only way “win” is to be the bigger person and move on. Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do.
And you will always have your wonderful husband, friends, and the wedding bees to vent to!
Post # 13
I agree that bringing someone who wasn’t invited was very very rude of her. Hopefully she was embarassed when it became obvious to everyone else at the table that she had brought someone who wasn’t invited.
However, being rude back to her because you aren’t happy with the gift she gave you just seems rediculous and unnecessary to me. While it may be common in your area to give gifts that equal the cost per plate, that doesn’t mean somebody has to and it definitely doesn’t give you the right to be rude to them if they don’t follow a social norm. They gave you a gift and you should be grateful for that and send her a nice thank you card.
I’m glad you had a great wedding day and I think you should just focus on that and try to forget everything else.
Post # 14
The $100 per person standard is common here too, so I get what you’re saying. I can’t help but wonder if she only gave you that much as a “stick it to you” kind of move since you weren’t allowing the plus ones? In any case, I agree, as tempting as it is to write her a cheeky note, I would write her one sweet as pie thanking her so much for her generous and wonderful gift and how lovely it was for her to share in your day and how much it meant to you. Kill her with kindness.
Post # 15
I guess I am an ass because I wouldnt send a Thank you note. I am a bitter person when it comes to this stuff. For example I was broke at the time and my friend had her shower. I literally saved for a bit to get her great stuff. It was hard but I really pulled together for her. She came to my shower with a cheap $5 dollar bottle of wine and she makes 2x’s what I did at the time. Let me tell you if she pulls that at the wedding this weekend I would not send a Thank you. I know its wrong but I am sorry that really bothers me. I think maybe I take it too personal and think they would care a little about me and put forth some effort. Even a creative card or item they made.. anything to show they cared then grabbing a cheap gas station wine together or $100 bill for 4 people per say. Its like damn.
Post # 16
Ugh, how frustrating. I do think you have to send a polite thank you note though.
Most of the other bees don’t agree with “keeping score” on gifts, but I won’t lie, I do it! So if you aren’t close and the grown kids get married, don’t be overly generous back. Give them the equivalent or thereabouts. Again, I know this is an unpopular opinion but I don’t see any reason to be generous with people who’ve taken advantage of your generosity.
Congrats on being married!