Post # 1
I’ve asked many many mum friends about this but it’s worrying me so much that I feel I need some non parent views.
short story we’ve been invited to a kid free evening wedding that’s in another country (about a 2 hour flight away)
we have a 2 year old and an exclusively breastfed baby who will be 5 months by the time of the wedding.
Ive no issues leaving the 2 year old with a grandparent either here at home or at the hotel.
the baby though is different. She is refusing to take a bottle and tbh this wedding is the only reason I would want / need her to have one. That means I couldn’t leave her in the hotel with a grandparent / sitter. I’d have to go back during the wedding to feed her. At that age the feeds would be at 7pm and 10pm both would be around bed time so I’d need to settle her to sleep after. The 7pm one comes after a bath and if we had a local sitter there is NO WAY I’m trusting them to bath my baby.
The ceremony is at 4 so likely we’d miss dinner because of this.
I feel I need to decline the wedding but I feel horrible doing that (for context I’ve only turned down 1 wedding and that was because the date clashes with a family wedding on the other side of the country so physically couldn’t make both) what makes it harder is the grooms cousin (who is local to the wedding) has just had her first baby and is still saying she will go and just leave the wedding to feed if she needs to.
I am all for child free weddings – have no issue with couple wanting to do this.
they are child free for now.
So child free bees – If someone declined your wedding in the situation above would it be friendship ending? Would you be upset with them? Would you compare them to the other couple and think they were ‘making it up’?
Post # 2
- Wedding: February 2019 - City, State
For me, it absolutely wouldn’t be friendship-ending if someone couldn’t go for that reason. But I would also make an exception for breastfed babies. I’d check with your friend and see if there is an exception for your baby.
Post # 3
I really don’t see how this could be a friendship ending situation at all and if it is then the bride is selfish and not a real friend.
It sounds like you have gone above and beyond to make it work but sometimes things are just too difficult.
Post # 4
thank you. My husband was the one who said to me it might be friendship ending and to be fair they gave us loads of notice that the wedding would be kid free. But baby is only 9 weeks old and I was pregnant when we talked of it. My son was combi fed so would have been possible to leave.
Ive tried talking to her and told her baby won’t take a bottle. She isn’t making an exception for the baby and I don’t want her to feel she has to. She has every right to have a kid free wedding.
I was seriously up all up all night worrying about this (and I’m usually super chill)
Post # 5
If she ended the friendship over it then that would be very telling about the sort of person she is.
Our wedding will most likely be child-free, but I would make an exception for small babies, especially those that are being breast-fed. I would rather make that compromise than risk not having some of my friends at my wedding because they can’t or don’t want to leave their babies! It’s not like a baby is going to be running around making a mess like a toddler or child could, and if it cried during the ceremony or speeches I would trust that a parent would leave with it temporarily.
But that’s beside the point – if your friend is not making an exception then she needs to also be understanding that this could mean you don’t want to attend.
Post # 6
If he’s only 9 weeks now, a lot can change by the time he’s 5 months. He may take a bottle, he may not need a 10pm feeding, he’s not so fragile anymore that someone could bathe him or just skip a bath for one day… you may be able to go if you want. Though honestly, with a 2 hr flight, I wouldn’t have thought of leaving my baby or bringing him either way with all the unknowns of how he would be at that time. I’d just decline and not feel bad at all.
Post # 7
That’s my problem. Is it a don’t want or a can’t and will she see a difference.
I remember on a post similar to this another mum saying that she felt any breastfeeding mums who say they can’t attend something are doing it because they choose not to ( it was a very negative comment) in some ways that’s true, I’m choosing not to force my baby to take a bottle. Is that a bad choice?
I never get anxiety like this, but this issue has seriously got me princessmiaofgenovia :
Post # 8
If it were me, I would completely understand!
You don’t need to have a baby of your own to understand they come with challenges!
Post # 9
This is how I feel. I know at 5 months she will be different and unlike my son she sleeps through the night already. But then he took a bottle.
We don’t have a passport for her either yet so we can’t book anything till that is sorted and then what if we get to near the date and she still isn’t taking a bottle? pinkshoes :
Post # 10
Thank you. I didn’t mean to cause offence and that child free wouldn’t understand. But I’ve seen on here so many times that people without kids can get really mean about this topic or compare babies etc sboom :
Post # 11
Twizbe : friendship ending? God no absolutely not. We are having a child free wedding, and if a friend had familial obligations (which is likely for a few) I would think no less of them.
But of course we understand kids – especially babies that young – come first. Us non-baby-havers aren’t this breed of Nazi assholes who can’t see reason so plz don’t assume that we all are.
Post # 12
Twizbe : Her wedding is more important to her than your baby, and your baby is more important to you than her wedding. If you choose to prioritise your baby over her wedding then she needs to accept that. Especially as you are being so understanding and supportive of her prioritising her wedding desires by having it child and baby free.
What are you going to regret more – going to the wedding and having to leave intermittently/miss dinner, or not going at all?
Honestly, if she ends your friendship over this then it will reveal that you are better off without her. It would be bonkers if she did.
Post # 13
Twizbe : You say this couple is not CF so I guess I am wondering why you need opinions from CF bee’s?
As is pointed out on this site repeatedly, it is totally fine to have a childfree wedding. It is also totally fine to decline the invite if it doesn’t work for you. It is not fine for either camp to get pissy about it. So if your friends get pissy because you make a choice that is best for you and your family in regards to attending their wedding then they are arseholes.
You are not asking them to change their plans because you are a parent. You are being reasonable and making the best choice for your situation after thinking through all possible ways you might be able to attend. It is a shame you can’t attend but it is not the end of the world. If they have a problem with it outside being reasonably sad you can’t make then they are being unreasonable.
Post # 14
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
I had a childfree wedding and I would absolutely never end a friendship because someone with children couldn’t attend. Part of having a childfree wedding is accepting that setting that parameter means some guests won’t be able to attend and being fine with it.
Decline without guilt or worry. It should in no way be damaging to the relationship.
Post # 15
I didn’t mean that for sure. It’s just all the mums I’ve asked say it’s fine, but I see on here non parents getting really upset about it.