Post # 61
If it was someone I was REALLY close to I might be upset, but in that case I would somehow make an exception to make sure they were able to attend.
What can you do? You have a baby and that’s just how it is for now. I’m sure they will understand.
Post # 62
Is this the wedding you posted about a few months back? I remember that thread and it was also a multi-pager. My point is, even us internet strangers can tell that you WANT to go to this wedding and you thought things through up and down and front and backwards to try to make it happen. So your friend should be getting that vibe too.
If I were your friend and I knew that my wedding mattered this much to you…Aw bee, hugs!
Post # 63
Calling someone/implying someone is hormonal is like a dude saying “Are you on the rag?!”. Not to rag on J, because I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt she didn’t mean it that way.
Twiz, it’s okay girl. Your friend will understand and likely be too focused on everything else going on to give it much thought that you can’t make it. You’ve probably picked good friends so I’m sure they won’t end your friendship over this.
Post # 64
I don’t have children. I would absolutely not be offended. I wouldn’t even expect a reason why you couldn’t attend as it’s none of my business. You need make a decision that is comfortable for you as a new mom. Weddings are so busy for the new couple, you’ll hardly be missed. And I don’t mean that as an insult, by the way. If I were in your position, I would simply decline, and leave it at that.
Post # 65
Twizbe : But I feel like they might think I was being stupid or weak because I can’t force my daughter to take a bottle. I’ve seen comments on here like ‘why can’t you just pump’ or ‘can’t they have formula’ and I worry if the other couple make it work she will think I just didn’t want to go.
My sibling was high-fiving themselves for being fabulous parents with their first child. They laugh at themselves now and their stupidity because when they had their second child, they realised that their first child made them look and feel like excellent parents because they were just a really good, easy baby. Their second child whilst an absolute delight now was nothing like the first for the their first 3 years of life!! (Child number two is a true individual and sees things differently that most and honestly I enjoy looking at the world through his eyes ☺️)
My point is that people talk from their own expirience with little understanding that the expiriences of others may be completely different. It’s easy to say ‘just pump’ or ‘mix feed’ leading up to the wedding etc but people forget to factor in the individuals involved in the equation and that what worked well for you won’t always work for others.
Honestly @twizbe.Do what works for you. You can’t please everyone and sometimes you just need to do what works for you. If your friend doesn’t get it…. Tough luck to her.
Post # 66
I had a local wedding and I made exceptions to babies under 6 months old due to this very reason. Our wedding was child free too
Post # 67
I wouldn’t be offended, your baby’s well being is the most important thing. The couple should know that by having a child free wedding they are naturally going to get a lot of declines from parents.
Post # 68
I have no idea why the people who declined the invitation to our wedding did so. Especially if there is (international!) Travel involved I honestly wouldn’t take it personally. No explanation needed. 🤷♀️
Also, my baby is 4.5 months and has been refusing the bottle since 3 weeks. So I feel you on that. Such a PITA.
Post # 69
Thank you all for your comments.
I think im just going to have to bite the bullet and decline. I like the idea of celebrating with them at home. I might offer to host a little dinner party when they are back.
Post # 70
I am going to take issue with your comment that women don’t define themselves as “mothers”. Many women absolutely do. They believe it’s who they are at a given stage in their lives or throughout their lifetimes. I know women like this.
Your friend chooses to define herself differently; with motherhood as one part of who she is. Another completely valid choice.
The self-described Mothers have an absolute, unassailable right to feel that way. Is that not the very essence of feminism? Freeing women to chart their own courses and be who they are in their own souls?
As for asking people about whether they have children; it’s quite a bend to perceive that as an invasion of reproductive privacy. When I am getting to know new people, I try to remind myself to ask about children. To fail to do so strikes me as quite rude and disinterested. As you correctly pointed out, most parents welcome any opportunity to talk about their children.
Post # 71
yup. Asking if someone has kids is no different than asking what they do for a living or for fun. It’s just one of the basic things that help you get to know someone a bit better.
Asking someone who doesn’t have kids if and when they are having them is a whole different story. That I think is rude and invasive.
Post # 72
I never said that a women can’t define herself as a mother. I said we (society) need to stop defining women as mothers. It is great that some women want to define themselves that way, but there are also many women who don’t and who don’t want others to do it them as well.
Asking women (because as I pointed out it is not commonly asked of men especially in a professional setting) if they have children is very problematic because it is saying you are a woman so of course you want kids. We aren’t asked do you want kids? We are asked do you have kids? If you cannot see the problem with the question then I don’t know what to say.
I r3cently went to a small conference with a team of 10 (5 females & 5 males) and this issue came up. One of my female team mates recently lost a child (about 8 months ago) and we talked before the conference but it was her first one since returning to work and she knew that the question would come up, repeatedly. She was particularly worried about the networking events.
She was a the networking event for about 20 mins and spoke to about 15 people before she had to leave for her own mental health. I stuck by her for most of thst 20mins. This is how every single conversation went “hi/introduction” “where (organisation) are you from” “do you have kids?”. I kid you not within the first three or four questions we were both asked if we had kids. Not about our thoughts on the keynote, not about our roles.
I checked in with the rest of the team after the event that night (sitting around having a drink) and it was the same for every single female. But the males reported very few questions about kids, though one of my older male team mates said for the first time he was asked about 6 times if he was a grandfather (so they skipped over kids and just assumed because of his age/looks) and he said he was annoyed by that and it was only a handful of times.
Sadly this is not a stand alone experience. It probably doesn’t register how often it does happen to women who have/want kids because they see nothing wrong with it. But to those that do not or can’t have kids then yes it can get old.
So I stand by what I said. We need to stop seeing a woman and automatically assuming kids. Ask them about their life, ask them about their career but stop asking them about their reproduction.
Post # 73
I would totally understand, and would hope that you’d make sure to take care of yourself and your family, before stressing out about attending my wedding. Especially, a wedding that would require a flight, and a hotel.
Post # 74
Thank you for the advice.
I’m going to close this thread now as it is going towards a parent vs non parent vibe which was not what I wanted.
FWIW I never ask women (or men) whether they have kids / want them. But as someone who experienced infertility I know how painful that question can be.