Child Free by Choicers who are 35+ yrs old

posted 4 months ago in No Kids
Post # 3
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I’m in my late 20s and my husband his very early 40s. I’m following for the advice to younger people. ๐Ÿ™‚ 

We are newlyweds (ish) but there still has been a bit of pressure. 

Post # 4
Member
636 posts
Busy bee

I’m 42. Spouse has kids, so he’s disqualified from the survey. Haha

Together 5 years. 

Location: CA

I’ve never felt pressured. I’ve babysat only once in my life. I’ve never changed a diaper. I don’t have the desire to hold a baby. I don’t have a lot of patience for spoiled or bratty kids. Telling people the above gets me a weird look, and they stop asking. I guess people are sensitive. I think the last person to ask me was one of my future MILs (I’m getting two sets of in-laws). When she mentioned it, I simply told her “Hell’s no, you’re not getting a grand baby.”, and she hasn’t brought it up since. I’m going to be a step-mom, so fiancés kids are my built-in kids. 

General life plans are to continue working and buy a home with fiancé. 

I would tell younger people to ignore the comments. Most people think they know what’s best for you—ignore them. Tell them the earth is over its carrying capacity, and it won’t matter to society if you don’t reproduce. Plus it’s kind of fun to be envied by people who have kids and give up all kinds of freedom and finances to raise a family. I hear that all the time: “Well, it’s easy for you to do XYZ; you don’t have kids!”

Hehehe. No I dont.

 

 

 

Post # 5
Member
23 posts
Newbee

Age: 36, partner is 42

Been together 2.5 years, getting hitched this year.

 

How are you doing with “final” pressures by family, friends, and society to have children?

Right from my 20s I was adamant about not having kids and generally shut people down immediately the moment they mention children, so everyone knows where I stand. At this point, my mom still has hope, but the moment she brings it up – I just shut it down in 1 sentence. Immediately. Nope, not having kids. I don’t feel the need to explain myself to anyone, because those trying to “pressure” you will never “get” why you are CFBC. 

What are your general life plans as you enter middle age? 

We are at the point where it’s more about personal fulfillment and giving back to society. More volunteer work  in the causes I believe in (women’s rights). For him, trying to slow down so that he gets to enjoy life a bit more – he is a workaholic and travels for work but not vacation. We are trying to build a life that’s more fulfilling. 

What tips would you give to CFBC bees who are in their 20s or early 30s? 

  • You don’t have to justify or explain your reasons to anyone. You also have the right to choose not to answer. I spent a lot of time in my 20s explaining/arguing with people who were trying to pressure me to have children. Now that I am older, I realize I didn’t have to engage. 
  • Those putting the pressure on you are not the ones who would have to face the responsibilities and consequences of raising your child. You do. It’s easy for them to talk because it costs them nothing. 
  • Trust yourself. So many people keep saying “oh you will change your mind as you get older” that I started to doubt myself when I was younger. It’s OK to change your mind, but recognize if you change your mind, if it’s due to you really wanting a child, or more of being “resigned”/”doing the right thing at my age” or trying to please others, especially if your boyfriend/spouse wants one.

Women are the ones who bear the brunt of the emotional and psychological toll of having children – and it’s a decision that has life long consequences on every aspect of your life. We are not defined by our womb – just because you have one doesn’t mean you need to use it. Don’t let others pressure you into such a big decision. Love yourself, acknowledge your needs and do what is best for you. 

Post # 6
Member
831 posts
Busy bee

I’m going to modify this a bit and answer anyway since my SO is over 35. ๐Ÿ™‚ 

 

Your age and your spouse’s/fiance’s age: I’m 31 and my SO is 36

How long have you been married or with fiance? Going on a year, planning on being engaged by the fall. 

Location: FL

How are you doing with “final” pressures by family, friends, and society to have children? Our friends and family know we’ll be getting married. We’re not shy about our intentions for each other. We’re also not shy about not wanting children. His mom says, “Surely you haven’t thought it through.” Yes, we have. Separately and as a couple. My boss says, “I said that too and then got a strong biological urge when I was running out of time.” Sorry, but urges of all kinds will pass and aren’t a good reason for having children. 

What are your general life plans as you enter middle age? To advance in my career, spend time with family (including nieces and nephews), and travel sooo much. 

What tips would you give to CFBC bees who are in their 20s or early 30s? I’m in my early 30s now and will keep on keeping on with following my dreams and being polite but firm with those who try to push me. Here’s some solidarity for other Bees who are going to be doing the same! 

Post # 7
Member
571 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I am 37, hubby is 38

we have been together for 2.4 years. 9 month married. 

We live in Omaha, Nebraska (for another two years and then will be gone, never to come back. Ever) But neither one is from here. I am from Stockholm/Cologne, my husband grew up military so he’s from nowhere and everywhere (Alabama). 

My husband has an 8 year old accident I hide from. Of course he loves and spends time him but he was an accident kept for some screwed religious reasons by the mother (I say screwed because if you are legit religious than the choice against abortion lies within your believe system but if you are pseudo catholic than it’s just plain stupid to keep a child you never wanted and tried to hide the pregnancy forever and hate your man for “making you pregnant” – it takes two to tango)

I never felt pressured. I knew since always that I didn’t want children. I didn’t even want to play with dolls. Till our move to Omaha (where his child lives) one year ago I exactly held two children in my life and only because I didn’t duck fast enough when they where thrown my way. Since I am from Europe people there rarely ask “when” you want children, more often “if” you even want them. In the States I haven’t been asked yet and also no one ever commented on the “when”. I assume it has something to do with our age and that it maybe has become unpopular to ask because you could offend somebody who can’t have children. I dunno. 

Our plans are to move to Florida after my husband retires in two and travel as much as we can. (I miss traveling the way we did back in Europe). I don’t have a career as I moved to be with my husband but I am also not a competive personality. I dislike stress and enjoy the good sides of life. We live in a downtown apartment with a gym and a pool on sight within walking distance to the nightlife. My goal is to stay as young as possible as long as possible. Next week I am going to Germany and when I come back we are going to Florida. After that we plan to go to Las Vegas to get “married” by Elvis. After that another trip to Europa and probably Florida and Alabama for some sun. That’s childfree life. Love it. 

My advice is to do what feels right to you. Everywhere I read “don’t give a fuck what other think” about basically every stupid life choice like wearing a thong bikini in size 16 or yoga pants to a night club. Well, take that advice and apply it to important life choices like whether  you want a child or not! Never let you pressure into anything that important. It is more than a life changing decision you can never ever reverse.

Most important advice: Read the book “Myth of motherhood” by Shari Thurer

Post # 8
Member
2362 posts
Buzzing bee

Your age and your spouse’s/fiance’s age: I’m in my mid 40s and my SO just turned 50.

How long have you been married or with fiancée? 4 years

Location:  California 

How are you doing with “final” pressures by family, friends, and society to have children?  The pressure really started dropping off once I hit 40. I guess a lo if people finally realized or accepted the fact that when I announced I didn’t want kiyonna dis when I was 12, that I wasn’t joking!

What are your general life plans as you enter middle age?  Looking forward to a culturally rich early retirement. Lots of travel, pursuing hobbies, time for community service and serving on nonprofit boards.

What tips would you give to CFBC bees who are in their 20s or early 30s?  Don’t doubt yourself and don’t let anyone gaslight you. 

Post # 9
Member
835 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Age: I’m soon to be 44 and my husband is 35. We’ve been married for a year and 4 months but have been together a little over 5 years.

Location: New England. 

how do we deal with pressure: Nobody really pressures us. I’ve known since I was old enough to know that I never wanted kids.  All our friends and family already knew before we got married that we didn’t want kids and nobody really bothered us about it. We’re also the type of people to day no without any explanation and we’re new Englanders so people stay out of other people’s business.  

Plans for future: we bought a house a little less than a year ago and we are turning our garage into a bar for spring and summer parties.  

Advice: Don’t listen to people who tell you that you’ll change your mind or try to change your mind.  Kids aren’t for everyone and they’re not the only path to happiness.   You don’t have to justify or explain to anyone why you don’t want kids.  

 

Post # 10
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee

I hope you don’t mind my commenting on this post. I DO have children (2) and I was one of those women who never planned on having any. I hated babysitting and stopped doing it in my teens. I met my husband, and I changed my mind… so it does happen… and it happened for me at a much older age than most anyone I know. I was 39.5 when my second was born.

That said…. I would NEVER expect that just because this was MY experience, that it WILL happen exactly the same way for others as well. Though I am happy with my life choices overall, I can also see that if I didn’t have children, I would also be happy with my life…. my life would just look different. I certainly don’t judge others for their choices… and no one has to justify their life choices to their parents/bosses etc.

I come from a large family (lot of cousins) so my own family expected that I would have kids, since everyone else did. Early in my life, long before I met my husband,  I spent a lot of time explaining my position to others and wanting/ expecting some kind of validation or recognition that it was okay to not live a life exactly like all my cousins did. Of course I never got it. Shame on me for thinking that I would. One of the worst comments from an older aunt was, ‘what? you’re not having kids? To do what, spend more time at work? Gee, who do you think you are, Oprah?’…..  That one really stung. I think if I could do it all over again I would handle it much differently. Less is more. ๐Ÿ™‚ 

If I could rewind the clock I would just say that I (or we) don’t want kids. Period. End of story. Then, change the topic. If it got changed back? I would just keep repeating that I didn’t want any. Eventually, even my thick family would have probably gotten the message that their comments weren’t welcome.

Post # 11
Member
3090 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I’m slightly below your age cutoff but I’ll answer anyways…

Your age and your spouse’s/fiance’s age: both 33

How long have you been married or with fiance? Together 4 years, engaged 7 months, getting married in just under 2 years

Location: Alberta

How are you doing with “final” pressures by family, friends, and society to have children?: Honestly hasn’t been an issue. Both our families are totally chill about it and have never put any pressure on us to have kids. Friends are the same. Society, meh, don’t give a shit.

What are your general life plans as you enter middle age?: Save for a comfortable retirement, get some more traveling in, advance our careers, hopefully buy a vacation property at some point.

What tips would you give to CFBC bees who are in their 20s or early 30s?: If you treat your choice like it’s no big deal, for the most part other people will too. Like, if someone is pestering you about it or judging you for it, just let it roll off you and treat their behaviour as the silly bullshit it is. When people have reacted with disdain or shock at my choice not to have kids, I generally respond by pointing out how absurd it is to be upset about someone else’s personal choices. “What a strange thing to be upset about, Karen. Are you OK?”

Post # 13
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 1995

Hello! I joined weddingbee for the posts about bees re-designing their original engagement rings, but this thread is one I do have perspective on!

Ages: me, 48. Darling Husband, 51. Married for 23 years.

Location: California

We never felt pressured by our parents to have kids. None of our friends ever questioned it either. Probably because we are always moving for his work, and that’s not the most secure lifestyle for raising kids. Some of his cousins squawked a bit, but our lifestyle is very different from theirs.

I have never changed a diaper or babysat a baby. I never felt a strong urge to give birth that a lot of women talk about. I never regretted our decision.

What else did we focus on, what are our future plans?

1. Travel We really did travel to all 7 continents! 

2. Pursue personal goals I earned my MBA at 39 while working full time. Everyone in my classes was at least 10 years younger than I was. My husband started his own business. 

3. A little real estate A condo in Maui that we are renting out long term to retirees. We could retire there ourselves some day. 

4. Time for each other We are each other’s cheer leaders, we still talk for hours, we still find excitement in the little things.  

Advice to younger bees: Follow your gut instincts. No one else knows your own mind. Don’t explain yourself to people who try to influence you with fear scenarios of your childfree future. 

People with kids aren’t any better than you and you aren’t any better than people with kids. Have you ever seen people on both sides duke it out on social media? Ridiculous. 

Get out there and live your own life, you are your own architect– build what you want.

Post # 14
Member
364 posts
Helper bee

:”My husband has an 8 year old accident I hide from. he was an accident kept for some screwed religious reasons “”

 

MiaSuperstar :  Yuck. This is revolting!  Blatant disregard for a humans life!! How would your husband feel if he heard you speak like that about his child? Does the child have a gender or is it just a human accident?

It’s one thing to be CFBC, it’s another to speak that way about an innocent child.  Please,  make sure you stick with your CFBC decision.  

Post # 15
Member
571 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Hunnibee88 :  whatever. And I sure will stick to my decision. 

Also my husband knows what I think about the situation. And yes, I am sorry for this “innocent child”. It has a horrible mother who is distorying his future. It has a mother who didn’t want him. Great choices she made. But I am the one with the “blatant disregard for human life” ๐Ÿ˜‚ 

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