(Closed) Child Free Wedding – Guests mandating that they're bringing children

posted 5 years ago in Guests
Post # 2
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I would be firm telling your friend with the two year old “no”. Maybe give some sitter suggestions, but hold your ground or it will upset others who weren’t able to bring their kids  

Also LOL that “you wouldn’t want a 2month old to miss your wedding right”. Was she joking?!!! That being said, I don’t think it’s okay to ask someone not to bring a baby that young that is likely breastfeeding. That should be an exception. 

Post # 3
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee

I sympathise with her situation but you must tell her in no uncertain terms that her child cannot come. Other people whose children have not been allowed to come will be furious.

Tell her you cannot accommodate the child, you will miss her if she is unable to come due to childcare issues.

Post # 4
Member
8486 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I would just say you’re sorry, but it wouldn’t be fair to the other guests if you allowed her to bring her child.

Post # 5
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
alex313 :  no it shouldn’t be an exception unless the bride and groom want it to be. The parents are free to decline if baby is too young to be left.

Post # 6
Member
2979 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

First, stop calling it a child free wedding. Its not. These particular children are just not invited.

Second, I think the 2m baby should be an exception. That’s VERY young, and is likely just going to sleep the entire time.

Third, I think you are right in being upset about the two year old. You should have been upfront with your friend instead of beating around the bush. “Sorry Katie, we can’t accomodate little Johnny. If that means you’ll miss the wedding, lets get together next month when you’re back from that work trip!” Since that ship has slightly sailed, you really need to deal with it quickly. The above wording will still work.

Post # 7
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee

“I’m sorry but the wedding is adults only. We understand if this means you won’t be able to join us.”

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. 

Also- inviting an additional adult to watch over a child that’s not invited- what???

Post # 8
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 24 2017

We are doing the same thing. I think that you should be firm with your boundaries and say something along the lines of, “Though we love seeing the young ones in the family, it is an adult only affair. We would hate to not have you celebrate with us but we cannot accept children coming.”

Post # 9
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Sounds like a tough spot. I mean you may just have to deal with that some people may not be able to come unless their children do. I wouldn’t leave my kid with a stranger, despite you offering to pay. Some people have a hardtime finding childcare (unsupportive families, or friends & family with their own lives & plans). And sometimes you gotta be a little flexible, if someone has an infant- they may not be able to go away to a wedding (breast feeding & such).

They probably thought since you invited SOME children that their little one wouldn’t be a huge deal. But clearly it is for you- the party atmosphere you desire, & budget.

Just decide- would you rather they come with their child or not at all. If it’s not at all, lay down the law. But just expect some feelings may be hurt.

Post # 10
Member
13815 posts
Honey Beekeeper

So rude.

I would just tell the mother of the two year old that you are sorry for any misunderstanding but that the invitation was meant for her and her H only. You cannot accommodate children other than immediate family, and it would be unfair to others.

If she’s not willing to consider or take advantage of your nearby child care options then you’re sorry, but will understand and miss them. 

BF babies are not an etiquette exception or obligation. You just can’t get upset if and when people in that situation decline. 

Post # 11
Member
6303 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
emeraldbee :  I would reply right back to that friend and say “I’m sorry there has been some misunderstanding. Our budget doesn’t have room for your SIL to attend as your babysitter, and we are not including children. We understand if means you cannot attend, and we hope you will let us know if you change your mind and are able to make childcare arrangements.”

I’d offer up a similar variation to your other friend. I do not subscribe to this notion that kids must be invited to everything and that it’s rude to exclude them if their parents cannot find childcare. I’m sorry, but your boss doesn’t let you bring your kid to work if you cannot find childcare. Your option is to find someone, or stay home with them. Nothing pisses me off more than seeing people I know leave their kids when THEY want to go do something, but then act appaled when their kid isn’t invited to some event. They are well within their right to go out whenever they want without their kid – just like a party host is well within their right to have an adult only event.

I say this as someone who is currently TTC…having children is a choice. And being a parent means that there will sometime be events in life that you have to miss out on because you have a child – be it for a reason out of your control, or under your control such as not being willing to have a babysitter.

I had a childfree wedding with a little over 200 guests. I know we had a few people decline over not having kids, but you know what? Everyone who was most important was happily there without their kids. That being said our circle is full of parents who manage to still function as seperate adults. They all are amazing devoted parents who still happily use babysitters when they want to have an adult night out or attend a wedding. Out of my entire circle only two women I know take their kids to weddings, even when invited almost all my friends attend without their kids.

Post # 12
Member
3045 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

#1, guests don’t get to mandate anything. Ever. This is your wedding and you make the rules. If they can’t attend bc they understandably don’t want to leave the two month old with anyone then thats just the way it is. He won’t even understand he’s at a wedding so how in the hell does stating you don’t want him to miss it make any sense? Ugh, parents. #2, agree with pp. This isn’t a child free wedding you’ve simply chosen to only have a select few children attend. I have no issues with that but this does technically mean its not child free. Firmly let them know that your decision is final. Unless you two decide you would rather deal with a baby than deal with your friends attitude about the issue. But keep in mind backing down with them might make some of your other friends with kids feel a certain way. Edit: Didn’t even get to the part about the two year old. If you keep being passive with this you’re going to keep having problems. If your friends are rude enough to completely disregard your wishes then maybe you need to try something more effective. “NO KIDS DAMNIT, WE CAN’T MAKE THIS ANY CLEARER!” 😅 Just a guideline…tweak as needed.

Post # 13
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee

“Second, I think the 2m baby should be an exception. That’s VERY young, and is likely just going to sleep the entire time.”

People often say this but actually young babies often don’t sleep the entire time.

How many times has a parent of a newborn said how easy they find it because the baby just sleeps?

Young babies are very hard work. They can cry, they can cause a stressful atmosphere if fractious and often there’ll be an empty seat while one of the parents has had to take him or her outside. It is sometimes no fun to be a guest seated next to parents with a baby and this needs to be considered too.

Post # 14
Member
6303 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

 “Second, I think the 2m baby should be an exception. That’s VERY young, and is likely just going to sleep the entire time.”

 

I hate to be the negative nancy, but as a wedding photographer is this so not the case. I’ve lost count at the number of times a baby or toddler has made a disruption during the ceremony. And while we’d all love to think our friends and family are smart and considerate enough to take their kids out, it woud blow your mind to know how often they just sit there trying to “sush” their kid rather than take them out.

 

 

Post # 15
Member
736 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

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heavenlyflower :  snicker snicker – I like your style!

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