(Closed) Childfree by choice couples …. i need help!!!

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 18
Member
1414 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

My mom took it really hard…

But otherwise I haven’t really had any issues with any comments about being childrfree by choice.

Best of luck to you!

Post # 19
Member
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@Smurfylove82:  Yep I’m not too pleased when people pester me either, but I just try to keep in mind that typically they are not malicious, they just think that’s the “natural” way of things – marriage, babies, etc – and they think they’re being interested in your life! I’ll admit I’ve gotten defensive once or twice, using those phrases like “why are people so interested in my uterus?!”, but that’s silly. If they do turn malicious, brush em off – they’re not the ones who’d have to stay up til 4 am with your baby and sacrifice your time and body. It’s your choice and they have no say in it – won’t stop anyone from trying to opine though 🙂

Post # 20
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Just don’t say anything–I find that it’s a lot easier to say “we’ll see…” than “We’re not having kids.”  When you’re in your mid 30’s and still childfree, they will get it.  Really it’s not anyone’s business whether or not you have children and with most families and a lot of friends, talking about purposefully not having them is just asking for drama.  Your parents want to have grandchildren, your friends want you to suffer like they did/are/will and a lot of people just don’t get it.  Keep it to yourself.

Right now we’re definitely not having kids but we made a decision together for it to always be on the table to talk about.  Right now my clock is ticking very very loudly and it’s a horrible experience because your hormones really do influence your brain and your thoughts.  I don’t want kids but I find myself fantasizing about it all the damn time.  >.<

Post # 24
Member
5161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

I am CF, my husband is more of a fencer.

Just remain confident in your choice. No need to apologize, defend, justify it or go into any further explanation unless you want to and it is someone you want to talk about it with.

My husband and I are in our 30s – me closer to the start-mid range and him nearer to the end. I find no one really is that pressing about it. Most people actually ask “do you plan to have kids” rather than assume, and many times people are very accepting of answers. We even get people saying they wish they had made a similar choice! Many are intrigued. I find as long as I remain uncritical of others choices (and I am, as everyone is free to make the choice right for them) they are uncritical of mine. For those who say things about changing minds, I just shrug and say they are free to believe that and move on. I have only become more certain as I have got older (many assume I am a bit younger than I am too so I hear, well, wait until you are 30 – I answer that yes, 30 was a good age, but it was not until I was 31 or 32 I fully realized I was childfree and not just ambivalent!). For those who try to change minds I just stare or do not get into it, or say “I doubt it and I am not worried about it” (like if they say “won’t you be lonely”)

My husband and I also believe our decisions in our marriage are a private affair. Not everyone needs to know everything about our decisions, including about being child free. Each situation is different and depends on context and audience.

Having children out of boredom is not a great idea though. If you are bored, it is a good idea to look at how to rejuvenate things. Children should be had as they are wanted, not to cure boredom or give their parent(s) a project!

Post # 26
Member
5399 posts
Bee Keeper

I wanted to comment about ProfessorGirl saying you might change your mind and kimm99 response. I have considered being CBC, so believe me I understand. But I also think there is a difference in making that choice when you’re 23 (OP) and 36. I’m also 23 so I think it’s wise to realize that what you think you want now, you may change your mind on. I’m not trying to offend anyone at all, but I just want to give that perspective. Maybe you don’t want to completely close the door on that (physically) should you change your mind in 10, or even 20 years.

But if you do decide that’s what you want, then I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. People shouldn’t have children “just because” it’s the next step. It’s not fair to the children or to the parents. Children should be something that both parents truly want in their lives. What you say to other people depends on your comfort level. If you want to let people know you just don’t want kids, you should do that. But like PP mentioned, there are many people who cannot have children and so if you don’t want to get into that with others, you can let them believe you are unable.

Post # 28
Member
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

*chuckle*

“Our problem is that what will we do together as the years progress, fine, we will travel but what if we hit a stagnant point or worse get bored. “


Yeah, you just stated an anxiety issue for MOST couples, breeders and non-breeders alike!

I think this is one of those things that you’ll probably have to be straightforward with about with your immediate family, simply because your parents will generally expect grandkids at some point and will keep hounding you about it if they don’t know. They may STILL hound you about it even if they DO know, but if you calmly keep restating your case, they’ll come to accept it. 

As far as everyone else goes, I’ve never seen any of my CF friends have difficulty, especially because a lot of people are mum out of politeness–assuming that a couple CAN’T have kids and don’t want to discuss it. If people do ask you when you’re gong to start trying and all that, just shrug and say, “Eh, the parenting thing’s not for us. So how’s dem Sox doing?” IF people want to discuss it, then go ahead and do that with them if you like, but I’ve rarely seen a case that CF couples have to justify their choices. Most people will be respectful of it. 

The only thing that you WILL probably have to accept is that when you get to a certain age (usually around 30), the world–including your friends–becomes child/family centric in a way. Don’t be surprised if your friends get wrapped up in babyland! But that’s a small price to pay 🙂

Post # 29
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Smurfylove82:  I always knew since I was little that I didn’t want kids, also.  Over the years, I’ve had a LOT of people try to tell me I’ll change my mind, why I should want kids, and basically that I’m making a bad decision and a selfish person.  It’s very difficult to have people telling you that – family members, coworkers, and random strangers.  I get very defensive about it because I’m so tired of being criticized for my choices.  I’m 30 now and nothing has changed, I still feel as strongly against children as ever.

Don’t let anyone pressure you and don’t allow anyone to make you feel bad for your choice.  I’ve tried lying to people and telling them I’m infertile, or that doctors have told me I can’t have kids, and I’ve actually had people tell me they don’t believe the doctors and they try to tell me all the infertility treatments I should try!!!  I find it very frustrating and offensive.  People should mind their own business on something so personal. 

As for getting bored, just make sure you and your husband have common interests.  Travel is important to you, so of course you can always travel to new places or back to places you love.  If you like hiking, then go to new places to hike and explore.  If you both enjoy cooking, then try making new things and traveling places to try new foods.  Try new hobbies, like painting, surfing, fishing, anything that sounds interesting to you!  Make a list of all the things you want to accomplish in your life and you’ll see that you have plenty of things to keep you busy for the rest of your life!!  =o)

Post # 30
Member
1575 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Do you really have to explain? I would just wink and say “we’re working on it every chance we get!” and I bet that will shut whoever up! As for down the road? You can always get pets, adopt or foster kids – don’t worry about it now and enjoy!

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