(Closed) Childfree by choice? How many of us? Small vent

posted 6 years ago in Family
  • poll:

    Childfree not exactly by choice, but still happy.

    Childfree not by choice but have accepted it

    Childfree by choice and happy

  • Post # 76
    Member
    144 posts
    Blushing bee

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    mfox89:  THANK YOU! This is one of our biggest reasons for being child-free by choice. I’m 30, Fiance is 31. I cannot understand why some people think we are selfish for not having children while the Earth is dying due to over population. We live in a place with a major, major water shortage. Honestly, when I see large familes I can’t help but think how selfish they are. 

    I am 99% sure I will never give birth, but we’ve decided if we hit 40 and regret not having children we will adopt an older child. 

    Post # 77
    Hostess
    826 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    AS a CBC, healthy, recently married 25 year old (DH is 31) people are absolutely shocked by DH and Is decision not to have children. Then again we live in Texas and “that’s just what you’re supposed to do”. We’ve been together over 5 years and neither one of us ever expressed any desire for children. Since I was old enough to remember I never imagined myself as a mom.

    Now, don’t get me wrong I think my nieces and nephews are the greatest thing on Gods green Earth, but that doesn’t mean I want any of my own. DH and I have already discussed him getting the snip soon, hopefully that will show people we are actually serious about not having children.

    Before we were married I talked to someone about not wanting children and she actually said to me “Then what’s the point of getting married?

    “Are you F%^&*$% serious?”

    Post # 78
    Member
    763 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    So I’m 23, Fiance is 25 and we are choosing to be child-free for now (the next 7-10 years really), so I cannot call myself CBC 100%.

    I have however received rude comments. When I first met my Fiance, I also met a friend of his who has two daughters and she asked me if I wanted to hold her newborn baby. I said no, because honestly babies are so tiny and fragile and scare me shitless. She kind of scoffed and asked if I ever wanted kids, to which I replied that I don’t (I was 18). A few years later she got really drunk and I had to take care of her and she told me that I would make a wonderful mom and she hopes that I change my mind. She said she could never trust another woman who doesn’t want/like kids. Yeah Yeah whatever, go to sleep drunk.

    FI’s step-mom also asked me when we plan on trying for kids since FI’s sister just had one. I kind of laughed and said “Not anytime soon that’s for sure”.

    I’m not sure why anyone thinks that they have any business in other women’s reproductive organs. You want kids? Cool! You don’t want kids? Also cool!

     

    Post # 79
    Member
    1757 posts
    Buzzing bee

    what bothers me most are the young girls who misunderstand the term “child-free”. When these girls proudly shout out how they’re “child-free”, then a year or so later have kids- this gives everyone around me more reason to question “well when will you change your mind too??” Child-free isn’t a phase of life like a hair color. Everyone is free to make their reproductive choices, but I just wish they wouldn’t use the “child-free” label unless they’re 10000%-I’d-remove-my-uterus-today-if-I-could-afford-to certain about not wanting kids.

    Post # 80
    Member
    942 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    I don’t get people who ask. I NEVER ask and I’ve had friends bring up at their own time no kids by choice or not yet (medical issues) or not until he has a more stable income (owned his own business, she was main bread winner).

    My sister will ask me about people, etc and I’m like I don’t know, I don’t ask because you never know. She’s like I don’t see the big deal asking once….and I said think about everyone else that has your mentality.

    I NEVER EVER bring it up for the reason you never know what’s going on…lots of times they can’t have kids and not by choice

    Post # 81
    Member
    1405 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA

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    heputaringonit:  I feel like I could have written this myself!  I’m also 95% sure we won’t be having kids, however if my Fiance changed his mind at some point, I’d be open to it.  On the other hand, he is dead-set against it at this point.  And I’ve accepted it.  He already has a 9 year old daughter that lives with us half of the time, so I feel that I at least get a small taste of what it’s like.  I agree that I don’t like when he makes blanket statements about never having them.  I’m totally fine with the idea of not having them, but when he says things like he wants to get a vasectomy, it kinda freaks me out and I’m not sure why!  But I will say, as much as I love his daughter, I truly do enjoy our “free” days when it’s just the two of us.  There’d be no more of that with a full-time child at home.  But I agree with you about hoping I don’t regret it when we’re older.  But I don’t think that alone is a reason to have kids.

    Post # 82
    Member
    1405 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA

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    dodobee:  Ugh I hate when this happens!!!  I have one friend who brings it up a lot during social situations.  She absolutely loves being a mom, and has dreamt about having kids as long as I’ve known her.  On the other hand, I’ve never had that feeling.  She thinks I’m going to regret it when I’m older, etc.  I know it’s coming from a place of love (as she truly feels I’m missing out on something great) but its still annoying and I find myself getting defensive when it’s brought up.  Why should I have to defend my choice though????

    Post # 83
    Member
    1907 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

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    FutureMrsHitBee:  You’re not CBC, you’re in the same category as many people who choose to wait a few years to start a family. CBC is not wanting children at all.

    Post # 84
    Member
    1724 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    We get this a bit, and even are accused of being irresponsbile for not having kids (I kinda thought we ARE being responsible, but whatever).  

    I come from a very abusive family, and fear abusing my own kids like no one can understand.  I caught myself taking out my anger at how my parents treated me as a 10 year old on my dolls… and realized I was just repeated what they did to my ‘babies’.  I have lots of friends say things like, yeah but you know better, and I have to ask, don’t you know better than to lash out when mad, but do it anyway?  Also, in addition to overt abuse, I was nelgected and pretty much brought myself up day to day.  Our house was nuts, just me, bi-polar drug addicted mom, and suicidal manic-depressed dad, with no relatives even in the same state, no friends allowed, no neighbors, and I was told to not talk to anyone about home so big mean CPS would not take me away from my ‘loving’ parents.  So no, I don’t trust I’d know how to be a better mom, and worry if I don’t do what they did, I’d be just as bad by going too far opposite.

    Fiance was also a late-launcer, and so we won’t be married until I will be 39.  I fear that is pretty old to be trying to have children, and know too many women who have had miscarraiges trying for baby #1 closer to 40, and don’t think we can handle that heartache.

    Neither of us is adverse to adopting an older child.  I know a lot of people shrink from this, but one thing my background has shown me is that I know I appreciated being brought into homes that were not crazy, and so if we get to a point where finances would allow, and home size, I’d be fine with this.

    As it is, I DO feel a small sadness at knowing I will likely never be called “mommy”.  But that’s okay.  I just feel I love my potential children so much I don’t want just have them to fill a perceived void, as I see some ladies do, and as my own mother did.  So I have cats, reptiles and fish.  

    Post # 85
    Member
    1079 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

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    dodobee:  

    I found that people will harrass childfree couple only if they are not firm enough. I know 3 couples (DH’s friends) that stay childfree for years and are in their 40s now.. People ask them about kids and they just give poker face and said no, that’s not what they want… usually wife say no with poker face and hubby joke it away … when u give people poker face, people know to back off… and as years fly by, they will learn no is no.  

    Post # 86
    Member
    763 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

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    stefzbee:  This is why I prefaced my statement by saying so. But even then, to be completely honest, I’m not sure I’ll ever want to have children. I’ve had my fair share of issues with my reproductive health and if I had to get my uterus removed (as my mother did at a yound age), I would be fine. I don’t feel like I know myself enough to make that decision right now, but for my entire adult life, I have not wanted kids.

    ETA: I think I misworded my original statement. In 7-10 years we will be discussing if we ever want children because at this stage of the game, we’re both not interested. It is very likely we will not be interested later on either. 

    Post # 87
    Member
    282 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

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    RayKay:  I would hope though that seeing that it is a touchy subject people would maybe stop asking? Or maybe more people just should respond with “Well that’s a rude question!” I’ve always thought it was strange because on some level you are inquiring about someones private sex life as well as a decision that is soley between two people. 

    Post # 88
    Member
    5145 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2010

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    paintitblackcat9:  But if you are saying something like “I can’t” they are not immediately thinking “I don’t want”.  They are thinking, oh, “I must give this person hope!”. Never underestimate how rude people are willing to be, especially when it comes to the topic of whether or not one is having children. I mean, you can flat out find people calling those women choosing not to have children selfish harbringers of the end of the world, so….

    Post # 89
    Member
    46 posts
    Newbee

    So interesting to read all of these stories! My situation is a little different. I didn’t want children but it was a deal breaker for my husband, and I warmed up to the idea and eventually really wanted them. However, I have endo and I drew the line at no IVF. (Don’t have anything against it, but just couldnt justify the cost.) we actually did end up getting pregnant on our own, and when we told family and friends a lot of people made comments about how they were surprised that I would have kids and sarcastic remarks about me being a bad mom. I never make comments about people’s choices so it really surprises me how many of you have faces backlash for deciding to be child free. 

    Post # 90
    Member
    1316 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

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    dodobee:  So incredibly rude of them (and I’m sure it’ll be happening to DH and me soon too). I don’t know how uncomfortable it is for you to discuss your medical condition and share with people, but when someone asks about kids and is pushy after you’d said your line about forever travelling, I’d say “Because I have a medical condition that doesn’t allow me to have children and I’d really prefer to not continue discussing it.” It will put them in their place instantly and you’re going to see some really embarrassed looks.

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