Childfree by Choice, is it the right choice?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
9604 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

To me, it doesn’t sound like you want to raise kids- you just want to skip straight to adult children who can benefit you with support and companionship in old age. None of your “pros” were about a desire to mom little ones and expand your experience beyond “selfishness”. That was a con for you. And your husband isn’t into it, so that’s not fair. So I’d say no, you sound firmly CFBC. Stay close to your nieces and nephews who can give you company when you’re old.

Post # 3
Member
4254 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

It does not sound like you want to have children, and that’s ok.  Society doesn’t tell us enough that not wanting kids is ok.

What may help you calm your mind is adoption is always an option.  If you want a child later in life but do not want to have a child yourself, you could adopt an older child.  That’s actually what my husband and I are considering, adoption.  I/we are not interested in the pregnancy process and I am feeling a strong calling toward adoption.  I do not want a baby, more like a toddler/younger child.  If I never have to change a diaper ever I would be ok with that haha.  If you change your minds in a few years adoption is a great alternative!

Post # 4
Member
1945 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I think all your concerns are the same perfectly normal “oh gosh do I really want to give up…this/that/the other” that A LOT of women have. Especially in our 30’s perhaps you’ve just started to get comfortable enjoying an improved standard of life compared to 20s and it just feels like Too Soon to have to make a decision about kids yet. I think it sounds like that because you are with a man who is very clearly focused on the why Not to have kids you are focusing on that too. But why would you be doubting it if something else, maybe less tangiable, inside you didn’t know that material things and impromptu travel won’t fulfil you forever? 

Your life surely would change if you had a child, but it doesn’t mean financial ruin and no more travel and you can still have “me time” (and a clean home, I grew up in one, and we didn’t have a maid or anything – from as young as I can remember we always had to clean up after ourselves and help with laundry etc and everything had its place), especially if you have a supportive husband. You may have to schedule it in but happy mommy makes happy baby, isn’t that what they say? You’re not supposed to become a martyr saint.

I think you know it’s about more than the support in old age (which is no guarantee, mind). 

Maybe you should go all out shopping and travelling and whatever else for You for a couple of years and see how you feel? You don’t have to decide Now. I do think priorities and mindset will change over the course of early going into mid 30’s – I’ve seen that in a lot of friends in this age group who thought they were CFBC and then just came into a “you know, if it happens it happens” open mind towards kids. These women I know however are with men who definitely want kids, so it may be a little different as I don’t know any men who don’t want children.

Post # 6
Member
1945 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Omg kitty is SO CUTE 💖

Post # 8
Member
1945 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

mrsbjj17 :  I know what it’s like to nurse a poorly kitten into health, the worry and vet bills and all the rest of it but most of all the absolute intense love ❤️ Now I don’t crave having a baby and I don’t think that being a good pet mom necessarily equates to being a future good actual mom but at the very least you know you have some strong caring, and also selfless, qualities inside you. 

Post # 9
Member
4864 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I feel like unless you really, REALLY want a kid and want to be a parent… why the heck would you have one? I have zero interest in pregnancy , baby or parenting. Once I settled with that the idea of having a kid seems insane to me. 

Post # 10
Member
4254 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

annelise210516 :  see I don’t think it’s fair to say “you might change your mind”.  First and foremost, because her husband does not want kids and is firmly in that stance.  Secondly, I think a LOT of people never change their minds.  It isn’t exactly helpful when others say “hey, you will change your mind in a few years!”.  I think the CFBC crowd still faces a lot of misunderstanding and society almost frowns on not having kids.  People who absolutely want kids or who have kids don’t fully understand what it is like to be in the CFBC crowd.

Post # 11
Member
1945 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

ljm308 :  She might or she might not change her mind, who knows, if read in totality I thought my message was pretty clear on suggesting she just do what she’s doing and enjoy spending her time and money as she wish, not to stress about whether to have kids, and revisit where her thoughts are in a couple of years. 

ETA: I also specified that the experience I have of friends around me may not apply to her situation as unlike OP my friends (who either were or are or sit on the fence about CFBC) are with men who want kids. 

Post # 12
Member
9175 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I’m just here for the kitty pics. 🤗

Post # 13
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee

My point of view is this: If you don’t really, really, really want children and to be a parent, don’t have a baby. Out of all the major decisions you will make in life, this one is the only irreversible one. You can sell a house, quit a job, divorce a spouse,go back to school. You cannot unhave a child. Once you’re a parent, that’s it. You may regret not having a child, but that’s a much better option than regretting having one, isn’t it? Children should never have to live in a situation where they’re unwanted and resented. Having children should be a “fuck yeah,” decision or shouldn’t be made at all.

Post # 14
Member
63 posts
Worker bee

Growing up my parents house was always clean bc we were trained at a young age hahaha. Also we went on vacays, not as often or elaborate as my parents do now, but it was still frequent enough.

One of my mentors decided she didn’t want to have kids when she was in her 30’s and now in her 40’s she regrets that choice. I’m not saying that to say omg you’ll totally want kids later in life, but I think you should just really sit down and seriously think about it. If you don’t want kids there’s nothing wrong with that, a lot of women don’t want kids, just put some time in to thinking about it that’s all

Post # 15
Member
685 posts
Busy bee

You can take Madalena’s advice.

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