(Closed) Childfree – not by choice

posted 3 years ago in No Kids
Post # 2
Member
301 posts
Helper bee

I HATE that question – “when are you having kids?”. It is incredibly personal & I think it’s insensitive to ask. Some women are struggling TTC, are having a hard time wait to TTC… URGH!

Post # 3
Member
4675 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I am very gratefully expecting my first this month, but I understand how you ladies feel.  

It took us over a year, 1 early MC, and at least 2 CP’s to successfully get pregnant.  I am pretty tough, but the year we were TTC was pretty rough.  At every extended family event, I felt like the baby questions were getting more persistent.  I kept my answers pretty brief and short.  I just replied ‘soon’ or something similar that didn’t encourage a conversation about it.  The experience has really taught me how a simple question can be harmful, painful, or just plain annoying for some.  

Post # 4
Member
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

It’s definitely rude. I don’t see how anyone’s reproductive plans are anyone else’s business. 

(I have to say that I often give a ‘pass’ on this to little old ladies, because they’re from a different era and usually they just want to talk. When I was in grad school, our neighbor was one such little old lady who asked me when I was getting pregnant and when I shrugged and said, “Not sure, just not right now!” she patted me on the arm and was like, “Oh I’m so grateful women have more choice about these things now! I was married and pregnant by 20 because it’s what everyone did back then. I didn’t go to college until I was 45–can you imagine? You go get that degree, honey!” I kinda dig little old ladies, though.)

Post # 5
Member
6018 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I have several friends who are childfree by choice and several others who have struggles with fertility issues. It’s definitely been an eye opening experience to hear their perspectives and stories.

Post # 6
Member
698 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I agree that’s a completely inappropriate question to ask someone who is childless, as you never know what their situation is. One of my misogynistic coworkers has asked me at least a couple of times when we’re having a kid, as if that’s the only thing I’m meant to do as a woman. Ugh.

My husband and I are in our late 30s and childless, and coming up on 3 years of marriage. We own a 55-yr-old house that needs a lot of work due to negligent past owners who knew nothing about home maintenance, and we’re making that our priority at the moment because we have the money to do it right. We make $130K combined income so we *could* support a child, but live in a high cost-of-living state (NH) and like a somewhat-luxurious lifestyle. We don’t want to give up those things because raising a kid where we live is very expensive. Day care can run $1k/month easily here – it’s nuts. My job is very high-stress but pays very well, and I’m not sure how I much I have left over to give to child-rearing. So much ambivalence for both of us, which I know is crazy when we’re at the ages we are.

Post # 7
Member
238 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

My Fiance family has gotten very annoying to the point where they are trying to convince me to quit school to have a kid. One of his cousins tells me that I have to have kids because her daughter needs friends. I was like wtf my go to answer to when I’m going to have kids is 20 years that shuts up every one lol. this is such personal question and ppl don’t realize that

Post # 8
Member
698 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

lawstudentbee:  Are you serious? That’s none of their business. Your marriage = your choice. Don’t let them pressure you into something for which you’re not ready. 

I think it’s more selfish to have a child and not have the capacity to raise one properly. They are not an accessory or something to want just because everyone else has one and you need to keep up with them.

Edit: I realized you said Fiance, not Darling Husband. Fiance means fiance, right?

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  whocharted78.
Post # 9
Member
1381 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’m not infertile as far as I know, but it’s dangerous for me to become pregnant. That’s a situation people understand even less  about that infertility. We still want to have a baby through adoption/surrogacy or we might just take a chance and try to get pregnant the old fashioned way anyway if my health holds up. But it’s unbelievable that people that know my medical situation seem to have no idea that it’s not so easy.

Post # 10
Member
619 posts
Busy bee

Carolsays:  thanks to the Bee, I have rephrased my question from “when” to “Do you two see children in your future?” It’s still invasive, for sure. However, I would never ask that of someone I’m not close with and it gives the other person a chance to say yes or no or not at this time. I didn’t realize until the Bee that some people struggle with infertility and those questions are like daggers. 

Post # 11
Member
3068 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Carolsays:  I think people who ask just are ignorant to infertility. I knew of someone who had multiple miscarraiges followed by a very late term in utero loss ( after the baby shower, heartbreaking!) so I would never ask someone why they never had kids, its so personal and could be VERY upsetting to the couple. If i knew them well enough to ask, I would probably already know the answer. 

As for me, Darling Husband and I get asked all the time. I just give a BS answer if I don’t feel like answering truthfully. Like, ‘ never’ or ‘ in ten years’ or ” im just going to have a herd of boxers, thanks” MYOB!!

Post # 12
Member
5161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

Brook10:  I am childfree (by choice) and I actually don’t mind at all when people ask “if kids are in the plans”, “are you planning on having children” or something like that. That “if” makes a HUGE difference to me compared to “when”. While both may be considered invasive for some, the latter comes with an assumption. I also think the people who ask the former question are far more open to hearing me respond “nope, cats only!” or something than those who ask the latter and seem to assume children are mandatory at some point.

Of course, someone who is dealing with infertility and wants kids might have a very different feeling towards either question than I do.

Post # 13
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee

Carolsays:  I am CFBC and hate these questions and comments that happen waaaaay to often by anybodies standards. I think the questions and comments you are mentioning here are very rude and thoughtless, not thinking about the person. And also, it’s just plain: Not your business! Why do so many people feel they have the right to be involved in your life, future and body? Like children dictate you as a person and this topic is up for discussion by everybody. I feel bad particularly for people who are infertile and are trying while getting these comments, don’t kick someone while they are down and asking them something that they shouldn’t have to explain to no one. 

It’s also the follow up comments and questions after this that further bother me. If your CFBC it’s followed by loads of these such as: ‘You’ll change your mind when you get older”, “Oh… Is there something… Wrong with you that is preventing it?”, “What a shame, you will never know what REAL love feels like” and “You will regret that choice when you are older.” I have had all these comments and much more said to me. For these I am very much like… Don’t be telling me how I feel and who the heck gave you permission to delve further into my life. The second comment that is really insensitive, what if the person is infertile, had a miscarriage or is trying? They don’t need to explain to you. The initial questions are bad enough, it’s even worse with the follow up because you end up feeling like you need to defend yourself over something very private.

Post # 14
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

It’s incredibly rude, invasive and insensitive to question people about when they’re having kids. It’s no one’s business and we shouldn’t have to explain ourselves. I’m in my mid 30’s and child free, and I hate the comments about how I’m running out of time and stuff like that. I’m well aware of my age, thanks. FH and I do plan to try for a baby, but I’ve already decided that I won’t be doing IVF or anything if a pregnancy doesn’t happen. I’m dreading the questions we’ll get once we’re married, especially if we end up not having a kid. 

Post # 15
Member
881 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

Carolsays:  

You’re absolutely right and I think too many people do not consider infertility or other health issues when they ask that personal question. I like to point that out to idiots like that because it forces them to think before they talk. 

I have chosen not to have children partly because of health problems. I could have a child but pregnancy and post partum would be very risky. I would rather not take that journey. 

The topic ‘Childfree – not by choice’ is closed to new replies.

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