Post # 1
I am 24 and my significant other is 25. We have been together for 3 years, and have known each other for longer.
While he was at family dinner one night, he told me he did not want to have kids. he does not like them, he holds them awkardly, and just doesnt want to be around them. there were 3 babies, 2 under 1 month old.
Is this normal for someone at 25? He recently just celebrated his 1st year at a real job, but still lives at home.
We have agreed to compromise at 1 child when we get married, but I wanted to make sure its that he’s young that he may not fully know or just need to experience more life. plus, a compromise is just words.
i am not sure what to think.
Post # 2
It is perfectly normal for someone at 25 to know they don’t want kids.
That’s not to say that he will never change his mind, but if it is something that is extremely important to you then unfortunately you need to question your furture with him. Because you are right, a compromise is just words – but also I feel this is not the kind of thing you should compromise on.
Post # 3
If children are important to you to might want to rethink this relationship. I wouldn’t count on him for kids.
Post # 4
This may sound harsh, but know it’s not meant to be mean: a child is a person, not a compromise. It is not okay to compromise about someone else’s life. Your significant other doesn’t want children (which is totally his prerogative – I don’t want children either), and that may or may not change in the future, but just know that this is something you do not want to compromise on – for the sake of your relationship and potential child. If your values don’t match and you’re set on having kids, then you need to move on to finding someone better suited for your life trajectory, someone who will adore the small person you bring into the world together.
Post # 5
Was this the first time you guys had spoken about kids? i guess its hard to compare the feeling of holding someone elses kid to the feeling of holding your own.
Post # 6
Why would you want to compromise and have a child with someone who doesn’t want children? How fair is that to the child? IMO, that isn’t a compromise at all. And when someone says they do not want children, I’d be inclined to believe them. I find it patronizing when someone tells a woman that she’s young and might change her mind, and I’d find it just as patronizing to a man. He is being honest with you, so think about things realistically and decide what you want for your future. If you want children, I would not try to build a life with this man. He has flat-out told you he doesn’t want children, and he may end up resenting you and the one child you seem to have “compromised” on. You may end up resenting him if he doesn’t help with the child you intend to have and when he doesn’t change his mind about wanting more than one.
Post # 7
Having kids is one of the rare things that there is no compromise for. If someone wants them and someone doesn’t, having one is not a compromise. That child is still unwanted by one of it’s parents. It WILL feel that and know it. How horrible for all 3 people involved. If he knows he doesn’t want kids and you know you do, have the strength to do right by you, him, and your unborn babies — find them a father who wants them.
Post # 8
You can’t compromise on children. The difference between no children and even one child is a completely different lifestyle. I wouldn’t count on his age being a factor in him changing his mind.
Post # 9
I agree with PPs that having a child isn’t something you should compromise on. It’s not at all fair for the child.
But, based on your post, it doesn’t sound like had an actual conversation about having kids. I’ve made a bunch of comments about not wanting kids/not being that great with kids, but what I mean is that I don’t want kids at the moment and I’m not currently willing to give up my lifestyle.
Have a serious conversation with him regarding children and BELIEVE what he says. If he’s serious about not wanting kids, do not expect him to change his mind.
Post # 10
When we spoke about children, i asked him what kind of future he ever saw for himself. He said yeah, family wife kids the usual, but not specific details as men dont normally do that.
I asked him more, and he explained hes worried about the time, financials, knowing what the baby needs/wants when it cries, doesnt know how to hold it, or when it comes to dating, etc etc. For me, this feels like typical male fears.
He also stated that even if he knew he did not want them, he would not completely take away his ability to have them as there are other ways. He is not sure, but he may bet money he may not change his minds. I am also not gung ho about childre, but it feels weird to go through life without one.
Compromise may be the wrong word. If he did not want children, he would not make a baby. However, it is his choice at the end of the day.
I simply asked because I read that some men had children because their wives wanted them, and they cant imagine not having them. Even if they did not want them in the first place.
Post # 11
We compromised. years before we got married we discussed the topic. He wanted two children’s I didn’t want any. We compromised at one. To those saying to leave etc, it’s really what works in your relationship. We are TTC for baby 1 right now. I don’t feel like I have a right to not fulfill one of his wants in his life and we settled at one. You are not compromising someone’s life and I can never understand why some people see it like that. #1 you are not pregnant now #2. You are discussing a private topic with you and your significant other #3 it does not make you a god awful person because you and your so make a choice together to conceive a single child. If anything it will bring you closer together knowing where you both stand. To everyone saying it’s not fair to the child, it’s not like once the baby is here you are going to be an awful checked out parent. Although I compromised to have a single child I still plan to be nurturing, loving, caring parent regardless.
Post # 12
Thank you fo ryour reply. If you dont mind me asking, what made you want to comrpomise rather than find someone else who did not want them as well?
Post # 13
I couldn’t imagine my life without him. We have been dating since we were 17, at that time we were very young and both on the we don’t want children bandwagon. By 24-25 he told me he wanted children and he really wanted 2-3. I still really didn’t want children, I’m very candid. I am very selfish, I enjoy it just being us and spending quiet time together every weekend, being spontaneous. I am deathly afraid of needles and doctors and it scares the shit out of me to know I will be in that situation very shortly. I knew though that it was very important to him. We waited nearly 13 years before we started to try for our baby. I worry I won’t connect like every other mom I know, but they always reassure me that it will be life changing but for the better. I have confidence my husband will support me indefinitely. I know I will love the baby once it is here And to see him show so much love towards another human being will be an incredible experience for him and I.
I don’t feel like there is an issue when a man and woman compromise on children— it is the same thing has a man and woman disagreeing where one wants 6 children and the other wants 2. You make decisions together and both stand together as one. I think it’s awesome that two people can talk candidly about theit lives coming together and where they stand on important topics and how they are going to over come them as a team.
Post # 14
I like you reply. I can agree with you. I dont think its a bad thing to compromise with your spouse to have a child, especially if one person in the relationship really wants a child and the other person is not competely adverse to having a child. Of course, if one party is completely, 100% against having a child, well, thats not going to work, and both parties should move on. But if each is willing to bend a little, there is still room for a lot of happiness.
Post # 15
Totally agree… I feel like compromising is what relationships are all about there is never going to be a time where you will always agree on important topics in your lives but it’s how you overcome them together which will either separate you or bring you closer.
I do agree that you need to walk if you are dead set on having 3 kids and you are not going to sway from that and your significant other will never have a child. That can be a deal breaker especially for those people who have dreamed of becoming a mom.