(Closed) Children?!

posted 5 years ago in Babies
Post # 16
Member
9525 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Some people want kids, some don’t, some change their mind.cou both are young and have several more mile stones and hurdles to face before having to think about that. I wouldn’t worry too much. I would be more concern about him moving out of the parents home first

Post # 17
Member
9012 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
Sheryl0013:  I think it is really naive to think that just because it has so far worked out in your particular situation it will be a life affirming thing for another person. And please you are talking like an expert about a hypothetical situation that hasn’t even happened yet. You still have no idea what might happen once you bring a child into the world.

There are whole websites devoted to mother’s sharing the secret of how much they dislike/resent their children. There are a million stories of men who check out after children are born and others who eventually walk out on their families never to be engaged with them again. There are countless screwed up adults/children in this world due to a parent who never wanted them. 

Bringing another life into this world is a permanent thing. Once the child is here it is impossible to alter that situation.

Post # 18
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I don’t think it really has to do with his age or being a guy. I have plenty of guy friends who know they want kids… And I have several who know they don’t.

I wouldn’t plan on him changing his mind, but it sounds like he’s more on the fence.

Post # 19
Member
9544 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think this is something you guys should work out prior to marriage. When my husband first started talking about marriage we had the kids talk. He definitely wanted kids, 2-3. I wasn’t sure if I wanted any, but was pretty sure I didn’t want 3. I debated about it for a long time and we decided on one. And I’m currently pregnant! 

I think it’s important to get a feel for yoru guy. Some people are absolutely dead set that they wouldn’t be happy in life without having kids. Some people are absolutely dead set that they wouldn’t be happy in life if they had kids. And some people are like me and can see themselves being happy either way. Personally, it sounds like you and yoru fiance are in that camp. So I think there’s some room to figure things out. The real problem is when you get one person dead set for kids and the other dead set against kids. 

Post # 21
Member
4120 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think it’s really simplistic to assume that this is “typical male fears”. Some people legitimately do not want children, and you shouldn’t minimize that, or assume someone’s mind will change when a child comes along. His feelings are not typical of men, they are his feelings, and you shouldn’t just brush them aside as a guy thing.

If you only want children because it would feel weird to go through life without them, and he doesn’t want them, then maybe the right “compromise” is no children.

Post # 22
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee

Your boyfriend sounds like he is just nervous about learning to become a parent, not that he doesn’t want kids (since he said he does want kids earlier). It’s normal to think you’ll be a bad parent especially if you have no experience. I am the same way; held one baby in my life. Fiance and I would like one child but it’s overwhelming trying to figure out everything that comes with caring for a child. That seems to be your boyfriends main worry. There are parenting classes and books galore! He can always learn. 

Post # 23
Member
7310 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Stpry time- When I met Mr. LK he didn’t want kids. This was unfortunate, as I already came equipped with one. Clearly, he changed his mind, and is a great dad to DS. But he still didn’t want babies, and that was fine by me.

Fastforward to our second year of marriage and my biological clock went off like a timebomb. I wanted a baby, and I wanted it NOW. Mr. Lk still didn’t want babies. He had literally NEVER held one. he was terrified that he wouldn’t know what to do with one. He was terrified of passing on bad genetics. He was terrified of something happening to me and becoming a single father. He was terrified of how our life would change. He was terrified of what measures we would have to endure in order to conceive. He was terrified of everthing in his imagination and then some. He didn’t want a little one, period.

Fast forward another 12 months, a lot of heated arguments, tears, and months of introspection later, and he tells me he wants OUR baby. He starts initiating interactions with the children of our friends. he starts googling child rearing advice. He starts talking about how our child will have curly hair, and that he hopes our baby gets my eyes. And today, another 12 months later, we’ve squirrled away the cash by giving up a lot of the little luxuries we enjoy, he’s endured a painful surgery to retrieve his half of the genetic material, and we’re getting ready to start our first IVF cycle. Mr. Lk is antsy to get started on the nursery, and decided yesterday that he would like to name a son after both of our grandfathers. He’s already buying things for our yet-to-be-conceived child and regularly places his hand on my abdomen, referring to it as “my baby’s house”. I don’t know if a guy could possibly be more excited for a little one, and this is all coming from the guy who “didn’t want kids”.

I’m telling you this not as a guarantee that any given person will change his mind. If a person is philosophically opposed to having children, cannot stand to be within a 10 mile radius of them, or simply does not want to change his/her lifestyle in ways that would be necessary to have a child, then he/she is probably not going to change his/her mind. But if the person is ambivalent about the idea, or “doesn’t want kids” due to fear, then there is a possibility that those feelings will change over time with support and lots of conversations, and oodles of love. Your job is to help him get to the root of the issue. Not because there is a “right” or “wrong” answer (there isn’t), but because it’s impossible to address any barriers or fears unless you know what they are to begin with.

A couple friend of ours is child-free. She wants one so much, but he does not want to change his lifestlye to have one. He wants to enjoy spontaneous travel to kid-unfriendly places (e.g. casinos and heavy metal concerts), regularly splurge on luxuries, sleep in, etc., and that’s how he defines his happy place. Nothing anyone could say or do will change his mind. His is an actual preference for a child-free lifestyle, rather than an avoidance of kids because he fears childrearing. So my husband came around to fully embracing the idea and hers never will. We both started in the same spot, but ended up on very different paths.

Post # 24
Member
346 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
j_jaye:  Not so sure why your so holy and mighty. She asked my opinion (by asking a question on a public forum for everyone to respond) and asked about my personal account (by directly asking) for it. Never in my phrasing did I ever say “my situation is how everyone’s will be”. I gave someone a altered opinion of what an outcome could be, to which I even said #1 you are not pregnant.  I even said talk it out with her SO and find a common ground between the two of them and if you are dead set on having x amount of children, and so your SO is set on having zero it might not work and it might be a deal breaker.

Open your eyes… There’s more than one viewpoint here just because someone sees it differently than yours doesn’t make them wrong.  Yes children are a huge decision but there are a plenty of women who never wanted children and had them and do not feel resentment.  This story goes both ways.  For every group or websites about women having children and regretting it or resenting them there’s forums and sites about women who absolutely adore the child they thought they never wanted.  

Anywho, I agree to disagree with you.

 

View original reply
JenGirl:  I think this is much more common than people think.  It seems to be a taboo topic.  Congrats on your pregnancy to a happy and healthy 9 months for you!

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