- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Stpry time- When I met Mr. LK he didn’t want kids. This was unfortunate, as I already came equipped with one. Clearly, he changed his mind, and is a great dad to DS. But he still didn’t want babies, and that was fine by me.
Fastforward to our second year of marriage and my biological clock went off like a timebomb. I wanted a baby, and I wanted it NOW. Mr. Lk still didn’t want babies. He had literally NEVER held one. he was terrified that he wouldn’t know what to do with one. He was terrified of passing on bad genetics. He was terrified of something happening to me and becoming a single father. He was terrified of how our life would change. He was terrified of what measures we would have to endure in order to conceive. He was terrified of everthing in his imagination and then some. He didn’t want a little one, period.
Fast forward another 12 months, a lot of heated arguments, tears, and months of introspection later, and he tells me he wants OUR baby. He starts initiating interactions with the children of our friends. he starts googling child rearing advice. He starts talking about how our child will have curly hair, and that he hopes our baby gets my eyes. And today, another 12 months later, we’ve squirrled away the cash by giving up a lot of the little luxuries we enjoy, he’s endured a painful surgery to retrieve his half of the genetic material, and we’re getting ready to start our first IVF cycle. Mr. Lk is antsy to get started on the nursery, and decided yesterday that he would like to name a son after both of our grandfathers. He’s already buying things for our yet-to-be-conceived child and regularly places his hand on my abdomen, referring to it as “my baby’s house”. I don’t know if a guy could possibly be more excited for a little one, and this is all coming from the guy who “didn’t want kids”.
I’m telling you this not as a guarantee that any given person will change his mind. If a person is philosophically opposed to having children, cannot stand to be within a 10 mile radius of them, or simply does not want to change his/her lifestyle in ways that would be necessary to have a child, then he/she is probably not going to change his/her mind. But if the person is ambivalent about the idea, or “doesn’t want kids” due to fear, then there is a possibility that those feelings will change over time with support and lots of conversations, and oodles of love. Your job is to help him get to the root of the issue. Not because there is a “right” or “wrong” answer (there isn’t), but because it’s impossible to address any barriers or fears unless you know what they are to begin with.
A couple friend of ours is child-free. She wants one so much, but he does not want to change his lifestlye to have one. He wants to enjoy spontaneous travel to kid-unfriendly places (e.g. casinos and heavy metal concerts), regularly splurge on luxuries, sleep in, etc., and that’s how he defines his happy place. Nothing anyone could say or do will change his mind. His is an actual preference for a child-free lifestyle, rather than an avoidance of kids because he fears childrearing. So my husband came around to fully embracing the idea and hers never will. We both started in the same spot, but ended up on very different paths.