Post # 1
2014 started out with such promise, but seems to have taken a nose dive…
I got back from a 10 hour drive from Las Vegas late last night (to visit a family member who just found out they have cancer). My husband and I are potentially moving to Chicago. He brought up buying a place in a few months, because Chicago has such affordable properties. Woo! Right? WRONG. We get into a condo vs house debate AGAIN — I’m pro-house, he’s pro-condo. I won’t go into details, but we can’t seem to compromise on this.
Me: “Besides, you can’t raise kids without a yard!”
Him: “Yeaaaah, I don’t want kids. I changed my mind.”
Real matter-of-fact, like, “Oh, no thanks, I changed my mind on that coffee. Just tap water, thanks.”
Today he tells me that he’s been thinking about it for a while, and *against* it for a while!!! Also, if we don’t have kids, then we don’t need a yard… I tried having a discussion about why he feels this way, but it seems like his mind is made up.
I want kids. He knew this when we got married. Furthermore, I want 2-3 children… ugh. I feel so disapointed and frustrated. We haven’t been married a full year yet, and he’s always had this huge change of heart on children? Seems doutful. It makes me wonder if he was lying about kids the whole time, or what… but why would you lie about that?
Okay, Bees, help me out here. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. This was totally from left field… ugh.
Post # 3
I should also add, he’s 34 and I’m 28. We’ve been together for a couple years, and as far as I could tell, he was always open to the idea of having children.
If he really won’t budge on this… does that ever work out? Will I just be bitter and resentful because he kept me from having kids? It’s kind of funny, because 6 or 7 years ago if someone asked me, I would have said I was leaning toward no kids. After being around more kids, though… and as I get older and start to feel more secure in my life… I DO want children.
Post # 4
As a born and raised NYCer, I can assure you that saying that you need a yard to raise a child is one of the sillier and least rational things I’ve heard today. Seriously, it’s called a park. I can get why he’s backing off, because it’s one thing to say ‘I want kids’, and another thing to completely disregard his needs and wants for the house/condo just because you’ve arbitrarily decided that these things are ‘necessary’ for children.
I’d calm down and have a calm and rational discussion with him. Look at your budget, and what options fall within the budget. This is the boring, non emotional part of home buying. How much house can you get, how much condo. How far you’re willing to travel for work, etc.
Completely separately from the house discussion, you need to have a discussion about the child issue. He might well be feeling overwhelmed with everything that’s gone on lately, and not in a place emotionally or financially to even consider children yet.
Post # 5
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@viola47: It’s like saying hello to myself 4 years ago. My ex husband and I had the same discussion out of the blue after being married for a year. He knew before we got married that I wanted kids and he agreed that he wanted one with me. Then a year later, nope he doesn’t want kids and never wanted them, he just thought I would deal with it once we were married. Since I was younger (24 to his 31) I told him I wasn’t ready for kids yet so I was willing to take a year or two to decide whether I could continue being married to him now that he didn’t want kids. Two years later he dropped the bombshell that not only did he not want kids, he never wanted to be married either. I packed my bag and left that day and we were divorced 3 months later.
You need to figure out two things: 1) does he truly not want kids? Ever?; and 2) are you willing to give up your dream of having kids so you can be married to your husband?
After we separated I spoke with older women in their 50s that had no kids they all told me similar stories of ex husbands that changed their minds but they didn’t divorce until it was too late for them to find someone else or just have a child on their own. They all ultimately resented their exes for not having kids and ended up divorced. The consideration for me was whether I was willing to move back to my home town for the support so I could choose a sperm donor and be a single mom at 35 if I hadn’t remarried by then. When I realized my answer to that was yes, I knew my marriage was truly over and we met up to draft the divorce papers.
It was the best decision I ever made at 26! A little over 6 months later I met my current husband and he doesn’t hem or haw about having kids. He actually talks about it more than me and after our wedding we already agreed on the date we plan to start TTC. As much as I loved my ex, I love my current husband more because we communicate better and our major goals in life are much more in sync. Getting a divorce was the scariest thing I have ever done, but it was also the most defining because it taught me to be a stronger, more independent person.
Post # 6
I think the ‘having kids’ discussion should be cleared up a bit before buying any real estate.
If you decide this is a deal-breaker, then not having to split / sell, or deal with a house/condo may make a split less cumbersome.
If there’s room for compromise on both sides, then maybe you could start with a condo and TTC. Later if a house makes more sense than a condo you could make a move.
Post # 7
I would seriously have a talk about the kids thing, cause if he didn’t want kids seriously, why move to Chicago it’s just going to be harder to move back to California. I do know a couple of people that were in the same situation and somehow were “on” bc and still got preg. Ticking your husband is no way to handle this either.
Hopefully he’s just cranky over the drive and the stresses. It’s not silly to want a yard to have kids to play in, it’s certainly easier than carting kids to the park, gosh knows how many blocks away.
It’s really so unfair of him to pull the rug out from under you but again, hopefully its just him being cranky.
Post # 8
@viola47: So – the kids thing needs to be figured out first and foremost. Forget real estate purchases and cross-country moves; you need to have a serious conversation about your differing desires for children. If he’s truly saying “I do not now want children, nor do I want them in the future” then you need to decide if you can live with that without feelling cheated, resentful, or incomplete. If you can’t – then I think you know what you need to do.
I am so, so sorry that you’re just hearing this from him now. Did you guys have a serious discussion about having children together before marriage? I know you said he knew you wanted kids, but had you ever talked about it and agreed that you would have children together? If so, then it sucks that he’s changed his mind. Regardless, it sucks either way because it sounds like you want different things. 🙁
Post # 9
@MariContrary: +1 to all of this, the yard/park comment, the separate discussions, etc. This is some of the best advice I’ve read on the bee in a while.
Post # 10
@viola47: This is really tough. I know a family, the children are adults now, where the dad didn’t really want to have children. The mom won and they had kids. The kids know their father didn’t want them and he never fully connected with being a father (he loves them, but was never truly fatherly). It breaks my heart to see the adult children still craving the love of their father they will never truly get.
This would be a heartbreaking dealbreaker for me. My husband knew that and I would have killed him if he hid something so big from me. In my opinion, this isn’t something you can compromise on, either you will forever resent him for not being a mother or he will resent you for forcing him to have children. I am so sorry you are going through this. I would try counseling before leaving to make sure he was 100% set in his stance, but I wouldn’t try to convince him one way or the other for fear of resentment.
Post # 11
Forget about buying a house. You need to discuss having children first. This is usually one of the biggest dealbreakers out there, because it’s something that can’t be compromised on. I’m sorry to say that I have never known a couple to stay together when one partner wants children and the other does not.
If he is adamant about never wanting children, and you feel you cannot live without them, then I think you have bigger problems than real estate.
Post # 12
Maybe he doesn’t want kids because he feels having kids means his life will be engulfed by them. Too many people hear the word kids and the alarms go off. The alarms are saying NO CITY LIVING, NO TRAVEL, NO GOING OUT, SLAVE TO YOUR CHILDREN! It doesn’t have to be that way. Sure your life changes, but your identity and wants/needs/goals in life don’t have to do a 180.
You’ve got to figure out what you both want, what type of life do you want to live, what goals do you have? Then figure out how kids will fit into and frame the picture. Not because all goes as planned, but having some direction gives people security in decision making.
If he really loves condo living and you’re saying no because of kids, well then no wonder he doesn’t feel ready for kids. There has to be compromise. What else are you strongly for or against? What else do you disagree on?
Post # 13
Sorry you have so much going on at once. How stressful!
If my husband changed his mind on such a big issue, I would feel resentful toward him And like he suckered me. I hope you will talk to him soon to get his true intentions.