Children of BPD parents, can you share your experiences?

posted 6 months ago in Wellness
Post # 2
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

Is your partner well versed in the matter? Do they know what sort of supports you need and behaviors/reactions/triggers/etc. that you’re working with and trying to overcome? Bringing your partner to a therapy session can also be helpful if that’s something that all three parties are up for.

Post # 3
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

This may or may not be helpful, but my best friend was diagnosed as borderline years ago. I’m not a child of a parent with BPD but I can speak to how it’s affected my other friend ships. 

My friend had a traumatic childhood and due to this, she reacts differently to the world. Due to her BPD she reacts differently to the world. She can be overly loving, overly emotional, impulsive, suicidal, and narcissistic all within an hour. 

I noticed my tip toeing that I do with her was creeping into other and newer friendships. I found myself thinking “if I offer to buy my new friend Jenny coffee, will she think I’m the most amazing person ever, put me on a pedastal, only to tell me I’m the worst person ever 10 minutes later when I saw I can’t buy her new jeans?” I just need to remind myself that MOST people can and will regulate their emotions better than someone with BPD. I’ve often found the only way to know what other friendships are going to be like is to just try. 

My friend is not unfriendable because of her BPD, she just sees and experiences the world differently. Much like your parent probably does. If you find yourself treating your partner like a person with BPD or fearing like they are going to respond like a person with BPD, take a step back. Talk to them about your concerns and your history. I’m sure you’re also used to being treated a certain way by your parent or acting a certain way around them, but for what it’s worth, the vast majority of people out there do not have BPD.

im so happy you’re in therapy for this. I hope my 2 cents at least provided something to you. If not, I understand. Just know I understand what you’re going through, just from a different angle. 

Post # 4
Member
4858 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Therapy, specifically CBT. Lots of writing down specific events to work through them. A few books on the mother daughter dynamic when your mother is abusive BPD/NPD. Also complete no contact became necessary in our case. 

Post # 5
Member
5575 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

My mother has never been diagnosed, she’s a textbook case of munchausens, however, she also shows characteristics of bpd.

I had a lot of learned behaviors that I exhibited in friendships and relationships when I was in my early twenties. I was an emotional abuser. I did things to get reactions from boyfriends and friends, I was manipulative, selfish. I just know that I was emotionally abusive

What stopped all of that was therapy. I had to unlearn everything that I knew. I had to learn about how sick my mother was, about how dysfunctional my childhood was. I had to discover the ways in which I was scarred and then I had to work on healing them.

It’s not something that I could do by reading a few books, though I still read everything I can get my hands on about my mother’s symptoms. I had to work with someone I trusted, I had to be completely open with how I reacted to different situations, how I wished I reacted differently etc

Therapy was essential for me to break my own habits

It also helped me create boundaries. I was no contact for a long time, now I’m occasional contact and zero contact if she’s off the rails. I have no qualms saying “NOPE. I want zero to do with her right now, I don’t want this brought to my doorstep, I’m not answering her phone call and I’m sure as hell not reaching out”

Knowing that she only reaches out if it benefits her helps me to protect myself. I only answer the phone if I feel up to it, and I see her even less than that.

Therapy taught me that I should not feel guilty for needing to protect myself from her. It taught me that I NEEDED to protect myself and it gave me the courage as well as the steps to do it

Post # 6
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

 

Sansa85 :  I totally meAnt to put this part in my post, but this Bee did it for me so I’m just gonna reiterate a point: don’t feel bad if you need a break from your parent. If you feel like you’re taking on their traits, take a break. If you feel like you need to not be around them, just do it. You’re allowed to look out for yourself too. I’ve had to turn Down plans with my friend before and I get bombarded with texts “I love you” “I’m sorry” “what did I do” “I thought we were doing okay”. 

I just ignore my phone for a bit and focus on me. 

Post # 9
Member
5575 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

KatzeB :  what are you doing that is mean to yourself? Therapy was essential for me, but I found what works for me is self talk. For example, I heard myself saying to myself “you’re just a bad person. You hurt people because you’re a bad person” and I countered it with “I’m not a bad person. I do the best that I can and I make mistakes but I’m a good person”

Even if you don’t believe it, say it. Eventually you will start to believe it.

Parents like ours damage us in incredible ways and it takes a lot to undo all of it

I’m sorry you’re feeling so awful, I hope you can learn ways to be kinder to yourself

How is therapy going?

Post # 11
Member
5575 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

KatzeB :  awwwww bee I’m sorry. Are you able to schedule any extra therapy sessions when you are home and back into your routine? I schedule extra sessions when I’m having bad times

In the mean time keep up the self talk on the regular “I am worth it, I do the best that I can and that’s all that I can do, I’m a good person and I bring good things to those who are in my life”. I know you don’t believe it right now but it’s true, and you should tell yourself these things even when your mind is telling you otherwise

I still struggle with seeing the value that I bring to other people, I hated myself for a long time, while hate is a very strong word for how I feel now because I’ve improved, I still struggle with how I view myself

You have a long road ahead, you will find what works for you. Start with those positive affirmations, write down good things about yourself when you’re having a good day, and read them back to yourself on your bad days. Pull out the list on your bad days and read what you wrote 

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