(Closed) Children @ Our Wedding & Dealing With HIS MOM

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

sounds like you are the only one being rational and handling this like a mature adult. good on you.

Post # 4
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Honestly, I agree with your Fiance that you shouldn’t have sent the email.  I think it’s fine for your Future Mother-In-Law to complain to her son as he is part of making wedding decisions too.  I would have left it to him to handle.  He seemed to be sticking to the No Kids rule, and seemed to be comfortable handling people.  Hearing about the reason for no kids from your Fiance would have been fine since it’s not hearsay if it comes from him (again, he’s part of the couple making the decisions).  All that being said, I think you made the right call on not bending the rule for the cousin.

Post # 5
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

This was a hard decision for me as well, I’m making a couple of exception though. I’m having a total of 10 kids, my kids and neices and nephew are in the wedding and I made two other exceptions. I don’t think it’s wrong for you to send the e-mail explaining the situation, that way  you don’t have a 3rd party telling your something that is wrong. It’s good that you stuck to your guns! I don’t understand why people say they don’t have anyone to watch their kids, it’s not like you are telling them about the wedding a week in advance, they know far in advance. If they wanted to go out or something, they would find someone to watch their kids.

Post # 7
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@bella91182:  Ah, okay.  I missed that somehow.  Then I would say, continue to stick to your guns about the No Kids, No Exceptions!

Post # 9
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Stick I your guns. Your Fiance should have talked to the children’s mom… but before that, he can’t be flip-flopping. You need a solid decision from both of you. Any time his mother brings it up, he should say something to the tune of, “We will discuss the children with the parents of the children alone.” 

Post # 10
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I think you handled it well, as long as the email was polite and concise (which it sounds like it was!). His mom clearly isn’t getting the point, and it’s beyond rude for her to keep pushing the issue. You responded the way that she required you to respond, since it sounds like adult conversation wasn’t getting through to her. Heaven knows what she was telling his cousin about the reasoning behind the “no kids” rule. It’s unfortunate that his cousin went to his mom, though, and didn’t come to you or your fiance.

We have the same rule- but we’re actually cutting them off at 18. We have two young cousins attending from across the country, and then my fiance’s son as the ring bearer, but that’s it. Our response card says adults only (call me tacky, but I don’t want ANY surprises that day!) and it says so on the website as well.

Post # 11
Member
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Personally, I don’t like it when people decide not to allow children at their weddings so take what I say with a grain of salt and remember I’m slightly biased.  

I think that if you’ve made up your mind that you don’t want kids at the wedding you need to stick to that.  I agree with what you said, I would be extremely upset if I attended a wedding where I was told there were no children allowed and then saw children there when I arrived.  

That said, I completely understand the frustration from his side of the family.  It’s very difficult when someone close to you is getting married and has decided on a no children allowed policy for the event when you are a parent.  Harder for some than for others.  However, if you invite these two children it is only fair that you invite all the children of all of your guests.  Not to do so would be extremely rude (unless it’s something like only breastfeeding infants), but even with allowing breastfeeding infants you do run the risk of offending some people.  

Keeping all of that in mind, I do think that you’ve handled it as well as you can so far and your Fiance should either be backing you up on the no kids decision or you should re think things and decide to allow all children.  Make sure you’re on the same page, it’s his wedding too. 😉  Just remember to stick to the decision you make together (all or nothing) and make sure he does the same.  Also, don’t be upset if members of his family choose not to come to the wedding if you do stick with the no kids policy.  Graciously accept their invite refusal and don’t take it as a personal affront.  That’s the situation you put families with children in when you say no kids allowed, not everyone will be able to come.

Post # 12
Member
9551 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Good job sticking to your guns. I totally agree that you have to play by the same rules for both sides of the faimily. And I think it’s okay that you emailed the cousin directly, but I am not surprised Future Mother-In-Law was mad over this. Give her some time to cool off. Be firm in your no-kids policy. And just explain that you saw how much stress it was causing Future Mother-In-Law so you wanted to smooth things over for her and out of the kindness of your heart you reached out to explain things to cousin so Future Mother-In-Law wouldn’t be stuck in the middle. Isn’t that nice of you?

Post # 15
Member
923 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

If you are really set on not having kids then don’t.  If it’s just a financial issue then tell Future Mother-In-Law “sure, you can pay for the two kids, but you’ll have to pay for the other 68 kids that will have to be invited if those two are.  The total comes to $3150.  When can I expect a check?”  That’ll shut her up pretty quickly.

Post # 16
Member
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@bella91182:  I understand the reasons for not wanting children at a wedding.  Although I personally disagree with all of the reasons people give I also belive that you should have the wedding you want.  Sometimes that means people can’t come.  As long as you’re ok with that and your Fiance is ok with that then I think you’ll have a great day.  I do think it’s important to stick to your decision though, and make sure you and your Fiance are on the same page with it.  Also, even though I disagree with the no kids policy I would like to applaud you for handling it like an adult.  That’s not always easy, but it does sound like you’re doing a good job so far. 🙂

I do want to clarify that I’m not passing judgement, just giving the disclaimer that I’m biased on this particular issue.  Ultimately you should do what’s right for you and your Fiance.  Also wanted to mention that I have nothing against you personally, or anyone else who makes the decision not to have kids at their wedding, I just don’t like the idea.  But, to each his/her own!  One of the beauties of this world is that everyone is different. 🙂  

 

ETA: I totally agree with PP about telling Future Mother-In-Law that she can pay for ALL the extra kids that would need invites (not just the 2 from her side), but I would add that she also needs to pay for the cost of activites for the children (in all age ranges) to keep them busy and some kind of babysitter to make sure nobody gets to the cake, etc.  lol

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