(Closed) Children should be invited to weddings?

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 76
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2016

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JoRocka:  lol.  hilarious.  i can relate to your sentiment.  i also thought kids were gross back in the day.  

Post # 77
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2017

I would never say that a couple should or shouldn’t invite kids (of course if you think kids are gross you shouldn’t invite them!), but I do think that adults only weddings are less acceptable in some cultures. For us, our families include kids in everything and it would be strange to exclude them just from a wedding. Also, since kids in our culture go to so many events, they learn how to behave in different situations and that special events, church, etc. are different than a playground. I would feel sad if nieces and nephews weren’t there to celebrate too!

Post # 78
Member
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I think it depends on the wedding and circumstances and feelings of the bride and groom.   I’m a little apprehensive about inviting children, and will not be having any child attendants, especially not after the horrorshow at my friend’s wedding 5 years ago, where her step-nephew threw a screaming fit 20 minutes before the ceremony started because he didn’t want to wear a tuxedo, so they ended up with no ringbearer and a sobbing flower girl.  I thought my friend’s eyes were going to fall out of her face.

Even so, we made the decision to invite children because so many of our closest friends have children, and the daughter of one of the matrons of honor (I have two) will be the ceremony reader (she will be 17 by the time the wedding happens).  So I guess we will see.  However, if I could avoid inviting children, I would definitely consider it for all except for those closest to us, because there are 48 children invited to the wedding right now, including 3 infants and 3 under two years.  (Yes, I am freaking out and have some vague idea involving glow sticks and crayons for entertaining the non-babies.)

[Total age breakdown for the curious: 6 under age 2, 10 preschool age, 22 grade school age, 10 between age 12 and 18]

Post # 79
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee

As others have said, I can see both sides of the argument. I was a bit torn as I did want a more formal party, but in both of our cultures weddings are family events and we couldn’t really imagine leaving the kids we know off the guest list.

In the end we decided on a destination wedding and we felt it would definitely be rude to ask people to travel without their families, so we invited all the kids. I’m not concerned about the little ones causing any disruptions as they’re pretty well-behaved, but I am a bit worried that they might get bored, so I’ll be setting up a kids’ room onsite where they can choose to take naps or watch movies (or play with their iPads) if they don’t want to hang out with the grown-ups.

Post # 80
Member
9016 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I find it funny how offended the non-children inviters get when their guests get offended about their children not being invited. A bit hypocritical in my book.

I also find it hilarious when a bride gets bent out of shape over a guest declining the invitation on the grounds that their kids aren’t invited. Especially when they say things like they dislike kids or don’t have kids of their own but then decide they can parent better (by saying the parents should use a sitter etc). You put up a barrier for these parents to attend your wedding and then get snippy when they make a choice to decline. 

It’s like a Destination Wedding to me. Lots of people think it is rude to make it difficult for guests to attend by making it time consuming and high cost. Have your wedding with kids or without but don’t complain about people commenting that your rules are making them miss an event they would have loved to attend.

Post # 81
Member
11481 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

For us, the issue wasn’t whether to have children, but, rather, which children to include. We had a formal wedding and reception, but we definitely wanted to include all of our nieces and nephews (and any children whom we have always considered to be nieces and nephews to us.) We specifically invited those children, but we did not include the children of our other friends, because that had the potential to more than double our guest count, and there was no reason or need to allow every guest with children to bring their children. We had about 150 guests and only 13 children.

Post # 82
Member
670 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I had children at my wedding, and personally I thought that was nice of me.  I was floored about how UNappreciated this (among other things) was.  There was one couple who I invited with their kids and both of them did things on that day that were inappropriate, and plus they gave so little.  If it were me, and someone invited me AND my kids?  I’d first of all make sure to express a little gratitutde since the fact is that no one has to include my kids.  Furthermore I’d give more of a gift to cover the kids being there.  Don’t get me wrong, not that people owe any gift as guests, but I think it’s when people act like jerks that you think, damn I spent $XXX on them AND their kids and the only gave $XX, AND didn’t congratulate me or thank me for inviting them, AND acted ignorant on that day, so they basically took it for granted in all ways.

Post # 83
Member
9 posts
Newbee

 

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BubblesandCupcakes:  I think it depends on the event. I’m going through some grief right now for not inviting children. My wedding is a destination wedding in Jamaica with the ceremony starting at 5 pm, cocktail hour at 6pm, dinner at 7pm. We are having a rum tasting, and a band with festivities ending at 1 am with a bonfire on the beach for people who are still hanging in. It’s not a child appropriate event given the late hours and the activities.

 

Not to mention my guest list is 80 people and I’ve only had 2 couples decline. Including all the little ones would have put my numbers at well over 100 which is completely outside of my budget. I understand there may be some hurt feelings but I would rather have a group excursion with the kids then hurt my budget to make everyone happy.

Post # 84
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee

Weddings are long boring parties with lots of grown up stuff, no toys, and no plans for fun if you are 4 or 5 or 6  or 7 or 8.

There is a lot of talking and after a long, long time, they give you food, but it’s usually icky stuff. There’s usually a big cake but they don’t give you any when you want it.

The most fun thing is there’s this great big playground right in the middle of the roomand it’s a GREAT place to play tag and have races, but just when you’re starting to have fun with some of the other kids, they yell at you to stop.

I thought it would be fun when mom said I could go, but I wish I’d stayed home. I know I don’t ever want one.

Post # 85
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - hotel

Kids make a wedding in my opinion. I wish we had been able to invite more. But I have a two year old so of course I wanted kids there. I do find bit wanting kids a bit odd, but I would never say anything, if I were invited but did not I’d get a babysitter or decline the invitation. No point worrying. 

Post # 86
Member
432 posts
Helper bee

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BubblesandCupcakes:  

In my family and social circle children are always part of the wedding, because the service is in the morning or early afternoon, followed by a wedding breakfast. I have never been to a wedding without children. About 85 percent of the weddings I attended, including my own, had a separate formal dinner and dance at night, and for that children are not present as it often gets very late.

Post # 87
Member
460 posts
Helper bee

I can get my head around people saying ‘I view weddings as a family event so if I were getting married I’d invite kids because it is my personal belief that weddings are about family’. What I can’t get my head around is parents thinking it is their right to impose these views on the bride and groom and try to make the bride/groom feel bad for celebrating their wedding in the way that’s right for them. By all means don’t go if you don’t feel comfortable leaving your kids at home – that is completely your right. But don’t be shitty about it. That is not your right.

We’re not having young children at our ceremony and the wedding breakfast part of the day (we’re hiring a creche with nannies for this part of the day) because it is our belief that if our friends and family spend time and money to come to this they deserve to eat in peace; they deserve to watch the ceremony without interruption. It is our belief that we are spending our hard earned money on this event and we have the right to choose a vision, and to minimise disruption to that vision where we can. It is our belief and our philosophy that marriage is not about family; for us family has never been defined my marriage or blood. For us marriage is about the state giving us certain legal rights because we’ve chosen to be partners for life and the adults who are capable of understanding this (not young children who don’t understand this!!) celebrating that we’ve chosen to be partners for life. It is not your belief and you have every right to disagree with me about what marriage is, but don’t give me crap about it. Don’t try and force your views on my day. Don’t try and manipulate me into inviting your children.

If you invited me to a wedding that welcomed young children I wouldn’t throw a strop saying “children don’t even understand what they’re watching; it’s pointless them being there when they’re just going to ruin my enjoyment so I’m not paying money to go to your wedding and have my evening ruined by kids when I could spend the time and money enjoying an adult-only evening elsewhere’. And similarly if you’re religious and I’m not, would you call up and say ‘I believe marriage is all about god joining you, my god needs to be at your day so you need to get married in a church. I find it highly offensive that you’re excluding god from your day so I’m not coming.” And again if you believe that you can choose to be offended that I don’t see marriage your way, you can choose quietly not to come to a wedding that you don’t believe in. If you choose to shove your opinions down my throat I choose to find you a highly abrasive and offensive person and I choose not to have you in my life.

Post # 88
Member
12819 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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j_jaye:  “I find it funny how offended the non-children inviters get when their guests get offended about their children not being invited. A bit hypocritical in my book.”

Not hypocritical in the least  unless you are rewriting the “rules ” of etiquette. It’s always rude and presumptuous to push for uninvited guests. It is not mandatory to invite all children the same way it is to invite a spouse, Fiance, or live in partner. If not inviting children, it’s nice to provide or recommend child care if you can manage it. 

Guests are always free not to attend if child care issues make it impossible, and that is the risk one takes by excluding the kids.  Feelings are obviously feelings, but disappointment and entitlement are two different things. 

Post # 89
Member
460 posts
Helper bee

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weddingmaven:  

“Guests are always free not to attend if child care issues make it impossible, and that is the risk one takes by excluding the kids. Feelings are obviously feelings, but disappointment and entitlement are two different things.” +10,000 

j_jaye Guests can be disappointed their children can’t come. And brides shouldn’t be offended if people choose not to attend because they don’t feel comfortable leaving their children with a sitter, because as you mentioned it’s not the bride’s place to ‘parent’. Parents are well within their right to choose not to go because they don’t feel comfortable leaving their child with a sitter.

But for a parent to be offended that their child is not invited, for a parent to choose not to go on principle rather than because they’re not comfortable leaving their child, well that is entitlement. That is a parent being offended because they’ve decided that their view of how weddings should be trumps the bride and groom’s view of how weddings should be, and that the bride and groom should change how they want THEIR OWN wedding to be in order to accommodate how a parent has decided their wedding should be. Yes I take offence at that. I don’t want anybody that egocentric at my wedding or in my life.

Post # 90
Member
965 posts
Busy bee

I would say only family of children should be invited? 

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