Post # 1
Need some assistance…. My fiancé and I are having a destination wedding next year in February. Several months ago we decided on no children under 12. The only exception is his sister’s two children who will be 2yrs old and 4yrs old and we actually have been thinking of having those children in our wedding.
Fast foward to now… He just found out that one of his cousins is pregnant (due in September) and already has a 3yr old is planning on bringing her children to the wedding. The conversation between them was on text and she stated, “I’m bringing the children”. He replied, “okay cool”. I asked him why he said “okay cool” when WE both agreed no children under 12. He didn’t really have an answer for me but asked how is it fair that his sister’s two children can come but not his cousins or anyone else with children. I said his sister’s children are immediate family and more than likely will be IN the wedding.
How do we move forward with the cousin situation? Is it wrong to have the sister’s children there and not the cousin or anyone else with children?
Post # 2
It gets a little sticky when certain people are allowed to have children and others aren’t. If your wedding was local, I might give you a different answer, but do you really expect someone to travel to a destination wedding and leave behind their infant and 3 year old? I realize you have your preference, but if someone is taking the time, money, and resources to attend your out of town wedding, I wouldn’t expect them to leave behind small children. Especially an infant. I know I wouldn’t leave my new baby behind, and would be especially upset if someone else was allowed to bring their children. Is this Destination Wedding only a few hours away, or are they spending a whole weekend somewhere? Either way, I don’t think my answer would change.
Post # 3
I also want to clarify that I don’t mean that in a harsh way at all, only that if someone is taking the time and money to attend, I think expecting them to leave behind an infant might be too much. I have known people who didn’t attend local weddings because they couldn’t bring their baby, and that’s only being separated from them for a few hours. In addition to asking them to take the resources to attend your Destination Wedding, you are also asking them to either dish our money for childcare for an extended period, or expecting them to find an immediate relative to leave them with. In my opinion, that’s different and obviously more cumbersome than a “no children” rule for a local wedding. Just food for thought.
Post # 4
jbae111 : I think choosing no children at a wedding in the same town, is fine but for a destination wedding I think it’s unreasonable to expect people to pay to travel to your wedding, pay for accommodation and then pay for someone to look after their kids all weekend. Someone who has a 5 month old baby is also not really in a position to leave their baby for a weekend. So personally, I think when you have a destination wedding, you have to accept that there will be children there, even if that’s not your preference but it’s the situation you’re in.
Overall I think it’s fine to invite some children and not others. Drawing the line at immeadiate family is fair. But not for a destination wedding.
Post # 5
Hmmmm… I totally get what you’re saying but again, this is our wedding and the last thing we want is children screaming, crying and running around.
Post # 6
jbae111 : Don’t want kids there, don’t have kids there – but expect people to decline because they can’t or don’t want to leave their children to attend a destination wedding without them. Accept the declines with good grace.
As for having some children there – if as you say they will be part of the bridal party – that is OK. The rule is no children under 12 unless they are bridal party.
I think for the cousin you will have to get H2B to contact her and apologies that he got the info wrong and that it was no children except those fitting with that rule.
I would also check that he is on the same page about this, sounds like he doesn’t mind too much about kids being there.
Post # 7
Why is it you assume all chilren cry and run around and scream?
Why is it you assume that adults who knowingly choose to become parents choose to not be good parents who watch their children and know how to gracefully handle when their child is tired or fussy?
You can choose to not have children there (and also be fine that you will likely get many more declines when you are asking people to pay for childcare while they take a vacation you picked for them). That is a legimate decision you can make.
I’ve attended numerous events with children present and their parents provided them with appropriate attention such that the children weren’t any different from any other guest and provided some of the best and cutest moments of the events. In fact, I’ve seen far more appalling behavior from adults at weddings, including a sister-in-law getting near blackout drunk and molesting the waitstaff, people giving horrifying and sexually explicit speeches in the name of “humorous anecdotes”, and more than my fair share of women getting sad drunk and crying incessantly about their failed relationships. I’ve seen far more whiny 20-somethings crying at weddings than children.
You may just be delightfully surprised if you trust adults to know how to handle their own children and drop your pre-conceived notions and labeling of ALL children acting exactly the same way all the time.
Post # 8
jbae111 : are you fine with people declining the invite? Is your partner aware that people will decline if they can’t bring their children? If yes to both, then have a kid free wedding bar the two in the wedding party. But you still can’t expect people to attend a destination wedding without their kids, even for your special day.
Post # 9
jbae111 : I don’t know why everyone is jumping on OP. She never said that she expected people to leave their kids at home alone while her guests came to the wedding. She did exactly the right thing, which was tell invite the people she wanted to come and told them ‘hey your kids cant come but hope you can’.
Obviously kids and parents are unpredictable and can behave exactly the way you want them too or can go completely off the rails. Some parents will whisk there kids away when the crying starts and others will just let them wail so i dont blame OP for not wanting to take the chance.
Post # 10
If it is important to you that she not bring her kids to the wedding, maybe offer to find (and pay for!) childcare for those children during the wedding. I’ve seen weddings with “kid rooms” at a different place on site at the venue where there was a babysitter and age appropriate activities for the children. Parents could stop by to check on their kids throughout the evening.
Post # 11
I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect someone to leave a young infant at home for a destination wedding. I mean, it’s okay to not allow children though. You get to invite who you want. So the real question is how much does your Fiance want this cousin at the wedding? Because 100% I would happily not attend a destination wedding if my infant weren’t allowed. I wouldn’t even entertain it. Young infants are usually too little to be left that long and a wedding isn’t worth it.
Post # 12
I do want to ask one question, which isn’t clear. Was this person actually informed that you two agreed on a no children under 12 rule, or was she just saying this in conversation? I’m not entirely recanting my previous comment, but if that was her response to the no child rule, then that was (obviously) rude. As a compromise, might you be able to hire a sitter in a separate room at the venue?
Post # 13
I don’t think anyone who doesn’t want kids at their wedding should have to have them there or feel pressured into having them there. They are totally unpredictable and many times do scream and cry through the ceremony. It is harder to stick to a no kids rule when your Future Sister-In-Law has kids who will be there. However, you and your fiance should be on the same page. He shouldn’t be telling people they can bring their kids when you have agreed on no kids.
Are there any other people who may bring kids? Or would it just be the four of them? If this is going to spiral out of control, I would put an end to it ASAP.
Post # 14
khaleesi13 : I actually don’t think anyone can tell someone “no, you’re kids can’t come” meaning that no one can prevent a guest from bringing their children to the destination. The wedding is a couple hours of at the most half a day/evening and usually people are staying at the location for awhile longer. So it would also be reasonable for someone to bring their kids and just not bring them to the actual wedding (if they were comfortable with a sitter or a resort that had a kids area/babysitting area). I still wouldn’t do that with a young infant (leave them with strangers I’ve never met) but this could easily be done for older children.
Post # 15
I guess at this point you have 2 options:
1. You reconsider having children there and allow the cousin to bring her kids, but also inform other guests with kids under 12 that their children are now invited.
2. Your fi tells your cousin he made a mistake, and that you and he decided together to host a “no kiddos under 12” event.
The family dynamics could get dicey, here, unfortunately. I guess I would be a lot less offended if I said “I’m going to bring my kids,” and I was told, “Ah crap! Sorry no kids under 12!” versus “Sure bring em along! Wait sorry nope!” It’s a yucktastic situation for sure.