(Closed) Chinese Banquet disaster? (long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Did your husband not want the wedding because he doesn’t like to be the center of attention?  If he’s ok in general with the banquet, I think you should do it, as song as you tone it down.  No slide show, and no speeches.  I think the grand entrance is a nice idea, but iffy if your husband is uncomfortable.  

In the future, he needs to be up front with you about how he feels about things.  Going along with stuff and letting his negative feelings fester until he explodes is not good for either of you.  

Post # 4
Member
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

This seems like a VERY passive aggressive move to me.  Being rude and sullen at dinner with your parents, flip-flopping on agreeing to the banquet, and refusing to participate in the event are all unacceptable responses to his anger.  I can’t imagine putting up with someone who was so disrespectful to my (and my parents) feelings.  There are lots of things we dont’ enjoy, but most of us have the sense to do them because it’s important to our partner.  Doing it, while complaining, being rude and difficult to deal with is NOT an appropriate action.

Post # 5
Member
307 posts
Helper bee

Hm, I’m sorry to hear about this! (Disclaimer: I might have interpreted your post wrong so take what I say with a grain of salt..but this is how I reacted)

Being Chinese, I would initially be really pissed as he had a temper tantrum and behaved disrespectfully towards your parents. This would be a big no no for me (and most people I know). Taking a step back, I realize he may not be used to feeling out of the decision making process and did not know how to respond well.

It is ok not to agree and be upset but he probably should have either tried to excuse himself and talk to you outside or gently moderate the conversation rather than sulk and withdraw. It seems like you are in a place where what’s done is done. I think you have reason to be upset given that he agreed multiple times in the past but it will not really help much because he seems to have some anger issues. 

I would plan to bring it up when things are calmer and start with the facts/try to gain understanding. “It seems like what my father suggested was not what you expected the party to be.” Yes? “I know we had discussed having this party and you were open to it before” Yes? “What did you envision? How can we adjust the party such that we can compromise?” etc etc etc If you come to something, then you can discuss this with your parents later.

If interacting with your parents is a problem for him (I don’t know if this is the only instance), that should probably be another calm conversation at a later date.  Haha, I think of myself a few years ago and if this had happened to me, I probably would have gotten really heated and screamed (a little)…but I have learned! 

Intercultural relationships are really hard…I’ve been through a few disasters in mine…but with good communication and realizing that your partner may not understand the nuances very well I think this will get better with calm discussion.

Good luck! 

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