(Closed) Chinese Tradition. My mom expect money to be given to her by my FI parents

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
14554 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Just tell your mom that this is not a tradition that you are comfortable and that since you are raised in the US that you do not feel that you are being given away and that you belong to the grooms family.  Say you are not comfortable with his family going along with this tradition and what it means for you.  That way if you are worried of them forming a bad opinion and that it would effect their relationship, they can be protected from that since this is your choice.

Post # 4
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee

@strawberrypeach:  

Maybe just tell your mom that you don’t appreciate being “sold,” as it were.  That’s basically what a dowry is.  Say you thought about it and would prefer to stick to your more Western upbringing.  If you’re the one to bring it up, then it shouldn’t reflect badly on your FI’s family.

Post # 6
Member
14554 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Also if she does want to follow tradition, it would be the grooms parents that is expected to pay for the wedding also. 

Post # 7
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I don’t think western bee’s will understand the dilemma.  It’s not as simple as telling your mom that you’re not comfortable.  It’s a respect/tradition issue.  It’s the equivelent and as deep-rooted as bride’s parents hosting and paying for the wedding in western culture.  While some families are doing away with this because the couple pays for themselves, it’s still pretty common for the bride’s parents to pay.

I have a few Chinese friends that went through this, but the groom’s family usually just complies.  I think this is something you and your Fiance should work out between the families.  Maybe you can lower your mom’s expectations and get your FI’s parents to be a more accommodating.  Or use the wedding gift money they planned on giving you and split it with your mom.

Post # 9
Member
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Scar_cats_tic:  Lol, +1!

 

@Bazingau:  I see your point, but it’s possible that the FI’s family see the bride’s mother as picking and choosing which traditions to uphold. If the wedding is going to be predominately western, then it might seem suspect that the bride’s mother is choosing a monetary tradition of all the traditions she could choose from.

Post # 10
Member
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Ack, double post!

Post # 11
Member
1777 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Dear Prudence gave advice on a very similar situation just this week!  See the video here: http://bcove.me/3slwa2sp

Post # 12
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

It’s your marriage. Therefore it’s up to you to set boundaries as to what’s appropriate. You get to call the shots here, so you guys can decise what’s appropriate. You may have to stand up to your parents, but that’s what being an adult is all about!

Post # 13
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@Bazingau:  I actually don’t know a single person who got married and the bride’s parents paid for everything. It’s pretty much a tradition that’s gone by the way side. Not sure if that’s a very good example to bridge the culture gap here.

Post # 14
Member
652 posts
Busy bee

@BabyCarat:  oh but best part about Chinese weddings? if you have enough Chinese guests, you’ll have a lot of gold necklaces, red pockets and gold bracelets by the end of the night lol 

Post # 15
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Yeah I think your Mom needs to back down on this one. I wouldn’t be pleased to hand over a thousand dollars for that.

Also I know my friend who got married has similar tradition involving providing food and money. However now it’s largely ceremonial. Her groom was black American but he did it, and also because it didn’t require him forking over a few thousand dollars. Maybe you guys can find a way to interpreted it but not in such a literal way.

Post # 16
Member
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I am sorry you are having to deal with two cultures. Your wedding is not Chinese tradition because your FI’s family isnt paying for it. If that is not the case and you both are not following the Chinese tradition then your mother should understand and not expect money. It seems that you and your Fiance are paying for the wedding and his family is only contributing. So that goes to show that you are more into western culture. 

BIG HUG 

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