Post # 1
I am getting married in October and have a cousin who is marrying a chinese man 3 weeks before my wedding. Sorry for sounding cold, but no one in our family has ever met him so I don’t feel any affinity.
Today my mother got a phone call from my cousin (lives 1/2 mile away from myself and my mother) to inform her that I would NOT be invited to her wedding. She says there is some Chinese tradition that you can attend a wedding if you’ve been married or are getting married within 3 weeks.
We are a traditional caucasian New Jersey family, so I’m not sure why she thinks we have to observe a choice of her husband’s family. Personally I feel like it’s a slap in the face– doubled since her wedding reception will be taking place literally across the street from my home. My question is, has anyone heard of this? I’ve done research online and don’t see anything like this- I did see that pregnant women and those who’ve had a death in the family can’t attend. But NOTHING about another wedding. Is she making this up to shorten her guest list… (which is over 350 people!) ??
Secondly, if I am not invited, I would not send any gift or attend shower, etc- But do I still have to invite her to mine?
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2007 - Hyatt Lodge, Oak Brook IL
Hrmm, even though I am Taiwanese, my family is not very traditional. However, my husband’s family is Chinese and more traditional. I HAVE actually heard of that superstition, where you can’t attend another wedding if you have gotten married within a month of that wedding.
It sounds like your cousin’s fiance’s family is a bit more traditional…
Post # 4
I don’t want to sound like a downer, but this is a customary tradition in a traditional Chinese family. Also, you do not have to invite her to your wedding (unless you want to) as the superstition goes both ways. Hope This Helps.
Post # 5
- Wedding: June 2008 - St. Catherine of Genoa, Jin Asian Cuisine Restaurant
Sounds like your cousin’s fiance’s family is very traditional. In my understanding, in Chinese custom, they believe that good fortunes can collide, so usually people getting married within a month of each other usually do not go to other peoples weddings. Same goes for new births and other "auspicious" events in Chinese culture. Additionally, bad events like funerals also can not be attended by newlyweds. My mom’s side of the family is more superstitous and my cousin (who was newly married at the time) was not allowed to attend my grandma’s funeral.
His family probably believes that if you go to their wedding your good fortunes with clash dooming both of your marriages. Dramatic, yes. But that’s just what they believe. Also, chances are if you invite your cousin to your wedding, they may turn the invite down for the same reason.
Post # 6
Although your cousin is requesting your "absence" from her wedding, I understand your feelings of hurt if not anger towards her. I do sympathize since I had a similar experience. Three of my very pregnant cousins are angry at me because both mother and mother-in-law "put out" a request "banning" all pregnant/expecting people from my wedding. I never wanted to exclude anyone, but sometimes tradition trumps everything. I’m sort of glad my cousins are excluded because if anything were to go wrong, I wouldn’t want them to be blamed for it! If I were you, I wouldn’t take it too personally and send my regards with a gift as a token of congratulations to the happy couple! By not attending their wedding, you’re also protecting yourself! The Chinese believe that weddings are auspicious events and to prevent the clashing of two very "lucky" or powerful forces of chi/energy, the brides must avoid each other or they’ll clash and cancel all the good luck!
Interestingly, the Chinese also believe if a bride was pregnant at the time of her wedding, (wedding and pregnancy are considered to be very auspicious and powerful events), the bride with be internally clashing and not only bring "bad luck" to herself, but also to the family that she marries into. Thus, pregnant brides are never allowed to enter through the front door, but must be relegated to entrance through the back door. However, if a bride gives birth before her wedding, that’s considered more acceptable!
Post # 7
wow… i’m chinese and i’ve never heard of such a superstition… funerals and weddings yes… but never weddings clashing. i guess i’d consider my family semi-traditional.
Post # 8
I’ve heard of it! And have to deal with unfortunately. My cousin set his date as less than a month after our date, so his whole family is not invited to our wedding, and we’re (my whole family) is not attending his.
This has happened before to my sister and another cousin.
My mom said that it’s an old tradition, but why risk it? Apparently, your luck will clash and you never know what will happen – death in someone’s family may occur (worse case scenario).
I have a friend getting married a month after me (1 month and 3 days) and I would hate to miss hers and hate for her to miss mine, but my mom doesn’t seem to thrill about me inviting them. =(
Post # 9
I have heard this Chinese superstition. There is a lot of date wierdness involved in Chinese weddings… especially Fung-Shui related stuff… I’m no expert but you may need to consult a Fung-Shui expert.
Post # 10
I’m chinese and have heard of this…in fact, my cousin planned/announced his September 2009 wedding date and I had to work around that so we could attend each others weddings (and i think this meant not just me and him, but our parents and siblings too)
We’re not that traditional a family, but we’re the type of family who would avoid doing anything that was taboo as long as it was reasonable and do-able. =)
Post # 11
i’m chinese and i just heard about it recently… but i say screw it 😛 i’m not that traditional and i don’t really care about nonsense like these! but i guess some people care 😛
Post # 12
These are all what they say they are TRADITIONS that means at some point somebody else said that they matter, as long as you say it matters that ok in my book!!
Post # 13
I’m chinese/vietnamese and I don’t agree with many of the traditions in my family, so needless to say those traditions will die with my generation! For the time being, there’s really nothing you can do, after all it’s not your wedding. Does it seem like your cousin agrees with it? Or she is just going along with it b/c her fiance’s family is overbearing? I have seen brides get bullied by asian families and that’s just not cool. Don’t mean to pass judgment on your cousin, it’s just that this stuff happens way too often, so brides need to stand up for themselves. But, if she actually agrees with the whole bad luck thing, then don’t invite her! Invite someone else who would actually want YOU at their OWN wedding. 🙂
Whoops I didn’t realize that this post was written months ago. How did everything turn out?
Post # 14
I’m an American born Chinese and my parents are from Hong Kong. I have actually heard about that. My mom told me it’s bad luck if the two “clash” by attending each other’s wedding in a short period of time.
My mom told me that it is bad luck to have two son’s hold weddings in the same year. That is “clashing” within the family.
It’s true if you believe it, otherwise it should not bother anyone. Hope this helps.
Post # 15
I think you can invite her, and be the bigger person. However, she probably might not attend because she can be that traditional. If she does attend, then she says one thing and does another.
Post # 16
It’s true that there is such a tradition in Chinese wedding.
And Chinese people give priority over different kinds of wedding custom and traditions and also abide by them firmly.