Chistmas miss communication

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
620 posts
Busy bee

I would be upset too. Once you’re married or with a long time partner you should be treated as a unit. I could understand why you’d be hurt by that. Sorry bee

Post # 18
Member
906 posts
Busy bee

I would be upset if I were the only one left out, but that’s not the case here. I don’t see anything wrong with sibilngs wanting to do something just on their own. You’re letting your own issues about your own family cloud your thinking about this, but that’s not fair to his siblings. Maybe the communcation could have been better but I would just move past it if I were you.

Post # 19
Member
906 posts
Busy bee

Also, your fiance shouldn’t just have made an assumption. 

Post # 20
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee

If they’re doing this INSTEAD of giving presents–and that activity would have included you–then you and the other family members should either be included in the escape room or in some other special activity afterwards (which was kind of the point of the gift-giving that’s now defunct). 

I’m shocked at how many people on here advocate boundaries with in-laws and blood family when people are engaged and the mother-in-law oversteps with wedding demands, but this behavior is justifiable toward an engaged couple? It really isn’t. There’s no problem with wanting to have just a sibling outing, but that’s not really what’s being presented here. It’s exclusionary to the point of intentional rudeness. AND it’s being done in lieue of something that originally HAD included everyone else. Weird, shitty, and hurt feelings sound like a pretty natural consequence. 

I would NOT be pleased if my husband’s siblings told me that I wasn’t welcome with them on a Christmas activity; in fact, that would pretty much be the end of our relationship. Family or no family, excluding people who’ve always been included at Christmastime is shitty. 

Post # 21
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee

And what’s this hogwash about family only being “blood” relations? I’m not even going to bother arguing against that, since anyone who’s been adopted or is married (isn’t your spouse your family?) or has an adopted child or a step-sibling with whom they’ve grown up already illustrates the absurdity of that claim. 

Post # 22
Member
473 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - York, ME

DeniseSecunda :  Totally agree with you! If my family said my fiance couldn’t join us on a Christmas activity I wouldn’t be going.  My Fiance might not have an issue with it, but he’s my family, he’s the one I’m making vows to, and if he’s not welcome then I wouldn’t feel welcome.  

I think individuality is important and so is time with others, but intentionally leaving an SO out like that, especially around the holidays, isn’t cool.

 

Post # 23
Member
232 posts
Helper bee

If you give everyone the benefit of the doubt, this is how it seems to me.   

For some reason, someone in the sibling family either cannot afford or does not want to do presents this year.   I have no idea why.    Someone came up with the idea of a sibling activity, not to be held on Christmas.   I bet this is the first step in stopping exchanging gifts.   The first year I was married, we could not afford gifts so we did an experience instead.   There is likely no malice in the change of tradition but a gentle way to do something new.

 

As for the comment from his sister.  Nothing happens in a vacumn and her comment seems very reactionary to me.    What had you said or acted before she said it?   Was it an angry comment or an exasperated comment?   Was she being sarcastic or sincere?   Was she defensive or emarassed?

What if you ascribe to her the best of intentions….would you still be upset?

Post # 24
Member
8962 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

jmai :  I can’t decide how I feel about this. On the one hand, if my mother-in-law said she wanted to do something with just her kids, not their SOs, I wouldn’t care at all and would tell them to have fun. On the other hand, I can’t imagine telling my own kids “we’re doing this fun family event for Christmas and your SOs (of five years!) are not invited.” Seems so mean and rude. I guess maybe with 6 kids it’s different. That could be a big expensive outing. Are the parents paying, or is everyone paying their own way? 

Post # 25
Member
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

 

jmai :  I don’t think that there is an issue with the siblings only activity, sounds fine to me.  I would however be concerned about the sisters making comments about you to your fiance – sounds like an ongoing issue – do they have a problem with you/what are the nature of the comments?

Post # 27
Member
1028 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

OP, what does your fiance think about all this? In my family,  and my husband’s,  engaged/married means you’re now part of the family and included in all family celebrations.  There’s no way my husband’s siblings would ever go do their own Christmas, or hanukkah, celebration without spouses.  That just sounds so bizarre to me.  Just going by his sister’s comment it sounds as if they’re not supportive of the relationship or understand that your relationship with him  now comes, or should come, before theirs.  

 

Post # 28
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Premier Ballroom

They can do their own thing as “family” and that is fine if you are not the only partner being left out and if that is the norm for y’all. But I feel that the sibling did not have to comment rudely like that “why can’t you leave us alone to do our own thing”. To me that is a rude way of saying it and I would feel like that means this is not the first time I am not wanted there. Honestly every family is different, but even way before I got engaged my fiance’s family made me feel like family as well as included me and the other partners as family. I don’t think they would ever do anything without us when it comes to  family outings/events because we are family, I consider them family and vice versa. How would you not be considered family, you are getting married and you are family at LEAST to your fiance!!

Post # 29
Member
270 posts
Helper bee

The siblings comment was blunt and rude, but in my opinion kind of truthful. Yes it sucks you’re not going, but I do understand that it’s a bonding thing for the siblings. They are allowed to have time together without always having to have spouses there.

i also agree with whoever said that escape rooms have limits on the number of people, so they wouldn’t have been able to do it with 6 siblings plus spouses anyway. This also didn’t fall on Christmas Day, so I don’t see it as being uninvited from Christmas or anything.

I just don’t see this as something I’d want to make a big deal of and cause tension over – is this really something you think is big enough to strain your relationship, or are there other underlying issues that are really the problem here? 

Post # 30
Member
2430 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

If each person is paying their own way, why NOT include spouses/SO? It sounds needlessly exclusionary. Unless there’s a maximum group size for the activity & having spouses would be too many? But then, just do 2 groups. 

Maybe the sister who planned it had a spouse who didn’t want to participate & so she excluded all spouses rather than be the only one without someone? Petty, but I could see that happening 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors