Post # 46
Its pretty much impossible to choke someone safely and actually leave a mark. Aside from all the very valid other concerns raised, even if you consent to choking, that is way too much force and genuinely could kill you. I know that sounds dramatic but people have died after less than 30 seconds of choking during sex. Unless he is being very sensible and has ensured he is doing this in a safe way (and imo I would be very surprised if he had done this but did not have a conversation about it with you beforehand and very surprised if he had done this and still left marks), then you could be at risk. Also even for people who are into choking, to do it the first time you have sex with someone and seemingly every time you have sex seems really unusual.
He needs to respect your bondaries and your safety immediately or gtfo.
Post # 47
- Wedding: June 2007 - City, State
threecrazycats : I have agreed with most everything you’ve said, but “maybe he didn’t think he was choking you that hard” is such bullshit and is enabling a predator. He obviously has done this before during sex since he tried it the first time they had sex.
OP, this is a move in the bedroom you build to, not something you start out with, especially if you’re with a new lover. I caution you to be careful and have a frank discussion with him before having sex again.
Post # 48
- Wedding: August 2018 - Location
Asking you after is not consent.
I would have been scared for my life and left immediately.
Don’t see him again. Even if he’s not an assailant, he’s fucking weird and doesn’t understand how to behave in society. RED FLAG 🚨🚨🚨
Post # 49
Dump this guy!!!
Choking is a fairly common kink, but it’s VERY dangerous and there’s no way to guarantee you’re doing it safely. I think a lot of people think choking is entry-level BDSM play because it doesn’t require any toys or restraints, but actually it’s very serious stuff. Even professional dominatrixes often refuse to choke people because the risks are just too high. Read this Dan Savage column for more info: https://www.thestranger.com/savage-love/2017/10/25/25488362/savage-love
In addition, it is absolutely NOT OKAY that he choked you without permission or prior discussion. That is not something that good people who engage in BDSM do. You say he’s a nice guy otherwise, but you barely know him!!! This is your only real indicator of his character and it’s a big one! He’s shown you who he is. Believe him.
Post # 50
sunburn : “I’m puzzled as to why you went along with it, I would have freaked out and started to hit, bite and kick the guy.”
What you’ve provided here is a typical response by someone entirely lacking in understanding of rape/assault to people who’ve been raped. “Why didn’t you say no?” “Why didn’t you fight back?” Well, if you didn’t say no or fight back, then how could s/he have known you didn’t want it?” The implication of all these comments, including yours, is that the person who has felt victimized is ultimately at fault.
You can say all day long that you “would have” done such-and-such, but the fact remains that in the moment of assault/panic/extreme distress, the prefrontal cortex shuts down, so making rational decisions is no longer feasible. You have no idea until you’re in such a situation what you “would” do. I and, no doubt, many other people on this site have been in situations of such distress that we were “paralyzed by fear.” Pardon me, but you would not have simply done such-and-such — and I have news for you from those of us who’ve found ourselves in this situation: you either freeze or you become a monster. This is the foundation of PTSD.
So in saying that YOU would have done such-and-such, and that you’re so “puzzled” that OP didn’t do what YOU CLAIM you would have done, you are ultimately telling OP that she did something wrong here; it’s HER fault that this event continued after it began, as though she had any rational control over her fear response. In reality, she just froze. Perhaps it would’ve been better had she become a monster — but there’s never a way to know who you’ll become in that moment. I hope the next time you hear about someone else’s fear response, you’ll be a bit more considerate.
Post # 51
OP, I apologize for not elaborating on my quick comment earlier (though, to be fair, I actually didn’t understand what you meant by “chocking” and thought it might be something I’d never heard of). Please don’t feel bad for not having responded to his behavior in the moment; that’s typical of such a situation. I’ve been there myself (not during sex), and I wasn’t able to “say something” either. That’s not your fault, and you didn’t do anything wrong by not “fighting back,” even if you had had an overwhelming desire or need to do so.
I have personally had many men (mostly non-boyfriends) choke me — some of them did it on their own without consent, some did it when I put their hands on my neck. I didn’t mind the lack of consent, but THAT in itself is MY kink. Even still, they shouldn’t have been so cavalier about doing something like that without consent because it’s a BIG FUCKING DEAL. Whenever I’ve entered into choke-play, I’ve taken it seriously because I know it can do a helluva lot more damage than, say, spanking. So you are allowed to feel violated by someone doing something this serious without your consent. You are allowed to feel afraid. You are allowed to have whatever physical boundaries you have. Your body is YOURS, and whatever you may need to feel that your body is protected is never out of line.
This guy may be a terrific guy; he might be a psycho. I sure as hell can’t be the one to tell you that. But if you FEEL like he’s betrayed your boundaries in a way that’s uncomfortable and scary, then take it from me who’s been choked many a time: he’s not worth it.
Post # 52
I wouldn’t see this guy again. He left marks on your neck?! He must have been further down your neck, rather than the light pressure you’re supposed to have on the carotoid artery, meaning his hand was probably on your windpipe. That’s pretty dangerous.
I do this with my SO but it wasn’t during the first time and we spoke about it first. I also used to do this with a FWB but also it was something we worked up to and he always stopped if I thought it was too rough.
This guy sounds like he is trying to portray that he is nice and sweet on your dates, but in reality he sounds violent. Ghost him. You don’t need to give any explanation as to why you don’t want to continue seeing him.
Post # 53
His behaviour is extremely concerning, him choking you the first time you had sex without first checking you were into that and happy for him to do it is a huge red flag. He only bothered to gain consent after the act, and the next time you had sex choked you so hard you couldn’t breathe and talk and have been left with bruises?! This is not how bdsm works, this is abuse.
In BDSM you have a discussion about what you both like, are willing to do and your limits and any safe words etc., The thing about choking is that it is like spanking in that it is open to interpretation with how far you take it, one person’s idea of spanking might be a light playful swat on the butt, another person’s interpretation might be flogging. My version of “choking” is lightly gripping the neck but not hard enough to completely prevent breathing or leave marks, just the sensation more so than actually choking someone, maybe this was also your interpretation?
I also think like anything new (especially with a new partner) you should start off lightly and gauge your partner’s reaction, the fact he went straight in with such force that you were left bruised is alarming considering there doesn’t appear to be any discussion on how forceful you wanted him to be or any safe word. This is extremely dangerous and irresponsible because people can and have died from this kind of sex play.
I really don’t think I would be able to trust someone who behaved this way and his lack of discussion with you in regards to you consenting to dangerous and aggressive sexual practices is very concerning, so for your own safety I would advise you to stop seeing him.
Post # 54
beeleez : I’m with you & @ sunburn- & I love that you linked Dan Savage!
Anything life threatening that interferes with your breathing is just too risky, even if you think there’s a way to do it safely. Surely if you’re that open minded and kinky you can come up with other, safer ways to get off.
As for OP’s specific situation, this guy has so many red flags all over him that I’m surprised he’s not on a wanted poster somewhere. Respectful partners do not do things without making sure their partner is comfortable and on board- and for kinks/ BDSM etc there are conversations leading up to it, what’s okay and what’s not, boundaries etc. It’s also creepy that he started off with his kink the first time you had sex without any indication from you that you were into this particular kink- and the fact that it progressed to rougher by the second time you had sex?! So he’s already escalating and he’s also never had sex with you without including his fetish. He can be sweet spoken and lovely during a date all he wants, my alarm bells would still be going off full blast with this guy.
Post # 55
obviousanonymous : If lack of consent is your kink, I think sunburn is in a far better position to advise OP than you are- you call her out for saying how she’d react in the moment but you saying lack of consent is no big deal for you can dangerously mislead OP into thinking this part of it isn’t a huge red flag. My main concern here is OP’s safety and to be perfectly blunt, the fact that she continued to see this guy after he choked her without consent is terribly alarming and this lack of judgment on her part will continue to put her in risky, dangerous situations. It’s one thing to be fearful or uncertain how to act in the moment- it’s quite another to willingly put yourself into the exact same situation with the exact same partner again and clearly OP doesn’t seem to have a solid grasp of when she’s putting herself in situations she shouldn’t (even after a repeat scenario she’s still wondering if she should see him again). OP, I don’t care if you think I sound judgmental- I want you to be safe and you’re making bad decisions and minimizing red flags that should have sent you running in the other direction.
Post # 56
- Wedding: September 2019 - Somewhere in Texas
This is incredibly disturbing (in my opinion, it’s disgusting and disturbing that someone would want this, let alone do it to someone without asking.)
Post # 57
Please cancel your date with him, especially since him cooking you dinner involves, I assume, being alone in his home. This guy sounds really dangerous, please cut contact and do not put yourself in a vulnerable position by seeing him again, especially in a private place. I’m scared for your safety. Someone who escalated so quickly — while acting sweet and charming no less — sounds to me like a possible sociopath. Maybe I’ve been listening to too many true crime podcasts but his behavior really reminds me of someone unhinged and dangerous. Please don’t stick around to find out.
Post # 58
If he choked you hard enough to leave marks and that isn’t something you guys have discussed IN DETAIL prior to ever screwing then I would cut contact immediately. He could have crushed your windpipe or done serious damage to you – aside from the fact he could have fucking killed you. Choking someone with that much force is not something you do casually with someone you have had sex with once and do not have a trusting relationship with.
Big nope. I would cancel and stop seeing him. My money says choking is the least of the kinky stuff he’s into and the next thing he may spring on you in the moment may be worse.
Post # 59
obviousanonymous : I understand what you’re saying, but in this situation if she would have told him she didn’t like what he was doing the first time there’s a good chance from the sounds of it (he stopped when she asked him the second time they had sex) that he would have stopped. Yes he definitely should have asked her before he did that, but it does not sound like she was “paralysed by fear”, she just needed to be more assertive.
If you don’t like something someone is doing during sex (whatever that is) then you should speak up, people are not mind readers, and if you feel like you can’t for whatever reason (excluding rape and abuse) you shouldn’t be having sex with that person (or anyone imo). If you’re mature enough to be having sex you should be mature enough to tell your sexual partners when you like things and when you don’t, this goes for all people not just OP.
OP 100% should have told him the first time he did it if she didn’t like it and I don’t think that’s victim blaming as she’s not a rape victim (since she consented to sex and he stopped when she told him to) it’s good advice and something the OP should take on board for her own safety and comfort in future.
Post # 60
I think you should leave this man alone because of you… not just because of him. If a man choking you without consent and then leaving bruises on your neck the next day isn’t enough for you to have leave him alone, you need to stop and rethink how you date.
You say you couldn’t breathe and had to tap him on the arm to stop and this only feels “a little off”? Where are your alarm bells? Where is your self-preservation?
Bee, I’ll bet that if you dig a little into your own dating past, you’ll see that you’ve often let men violate your boundaries. I don’t blame you for this guy’s behavior. I am sad for you that you’re still unsure when you have marks on your neck after a second date.