(Closed) Choice between spouse or family

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Mrslovebug:  Is this a situation that is happening to you? A little bit more detail would help.


I honestly can’t say what I would do in a situation like that, because I really can’t picture it happening to me.   That and it really depends on what my family is doing to ruin my marraige.  Why doesn’t my family like my hubby, what are their motives, etc?

Post # 4
2632 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Mrslovebug:  honestly I hope it doesn’t come down to it.. but if I had to pick, my spouse is my immediate family now and he is top priority…when I said I do I let go all my top priorities to my family and switched them to my husband.  


Post # 5
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

My husband is now my immediate family. He comes before anyone else.

Fortunately my family adores DH and I pray it will never EVER come to that, because I love them very much.

But I agree with a PP- if your family doesn’t like your husband because he is abusive, for example, that changes things. A little more info would be helpful.

Post # 6
2538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think it depends on the situation – more detail is needed!

Also it depends on what your relationship with your family has been like previously. If they have always been good to you, supportive, you usually trust their judgement then there is a chance they are right.

If they’ve always been malicious, sabotaging (mere examples) then there is a chance they are wrong. 



Post # 7
4650 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Mrslovebug:  Cut them out. When you marry someone, you choose them above all others. They’re the #1. My husband I agree that we put each other before EVERYONE else – moms, dads, siblings… of course the best thing is to try and make everyone happy but if there’s a real “only one winner” conflict of interest, spouse always comes first. This has been demonstrated in the real world on multiple occasions. 

I’d cut off my family completely for him if they didn’t respect my choices, and I know he’d do the same for me. I’d hope they found it in them to come around and be polite and be in my life, but a healthy and happy marriage is my top priority, same as it is his. There’s no room in our lives for toxic people who don’t respect us, no matter how close they are by blood. 

Post # 8
739 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Personally my family is not crazy so if they are coming between my husband and I, it would likely be for a good reason. More details needed. 

Post # 9
3022 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Yep, I need more details. It’s impossible to answer hypothetically.

Post # 10
9947 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

With Marriage FAMILY changes by definition.

When you marry you bring 2 FAMILIES together to create A NEW ONE.  OUR FAMILY

So ya, OUR FAMILY would always come before any other…

That is what a Marriage is supposed to be.

Sadly some couples don’t get this… be it the fact that the Parents are too meddling, or the B&G not mature enough to see / understand what being married means.

I wouldn’t say one so much has to STAND UP to the Parents …

But there has to be a realization on the part of the couple that they are now IN CHARGE of what goes on in their lives AS A FAMILY

So they set the boundaries… in appropriate ways:

1- How much meddling is tolerated… “I am sorry Mom & Dad, but WE WON’T BE discussing our finances / Parenting / religious beliefs… (whatever) with you”

2- How EXPECTATIONS are addressed… “I am sorry Mom & Dad, but WE WILL BE spending Thanksgiving with Mr Lovebug’s Family… we will spend Christmas this year with you… and next year you guys get Thanksgiving… and his family Christmas”

3- And the couple also has to work on themselves as well…

It is NOT OK if one of the couple is spending too much time with their Parents… or putting too much emphasis on the opinions expressed by their Family onto their Spouse.  This stuff all needs to be negotiated / worked out in due course.

Example, if His Family has a tradition of him coming over for Dinner on Sunday.  It is OK to say… to one another as man & wife… “Honey once or twice a month is ok… but I am not up to spending EVERY SUNDAY the rest of my life (52x a year) with your Family.  Lets negotiate something more reasonable.  Lets have some Sundays that we enjoy alone, or start our own traditions, etc”

Part of the maturity of being ready for Marriage is being able to express these various things (1, 2 & 3) in an adult non-argumentative fashion.  You just lay out your plan and go with it.  As a Married Adult YOU HAVE THE RIGHT to determine what your Life / Marriage / Family will look like.

Hope this helps,


Post # 11
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@Mrslovebug:  My Fiance and I are in this situation with my FI’s family (aka my FILs).


after two years of suffering, Fiance decided to cut them off.

Post # 12
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Mrslovebug:  When you get married you make a new family with your spouse and they come first.

Unless your family has legitimate concerns – like your spouse is abusive, controlling, demands you never see them, etc. they need to butt out. If it’s your family is being toxic, then you either need to demand the behavior stop or distance yourself, if not cut them off entirely.

Post # 14
3022 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Yup. Your new family comes first. Cut off ties with your crazy family for now. The strength you get from not being in that co-dependent relationship will be SO empowering. Maybe in the future (MAYBE) you will be in a place where you can have some kind of limited contact, but right now you are still too enmeshed in the craziness.

Say goodbye for now and get yourself a good therapist. It won’t be easy. Good luck!

Post # 15
9947 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

My Mother was a Drama Queen my whole life (and she had SERIOUS Mental Health Issues)

She got all pissy about my first Marriage and threatened not to come…

My Father & Relatives finally convinced her to be there.  She was cordial to me.

BUT she was the Drama Queen and definitely held court that day… I just didn’t let it get to me.  (Hey I was marrying a man I was very much in LOVE with)

Some more time went by in my life… and babies came along

This was the next occasion when she got self-centered & greedy… I remember she put a lot of undue stress on me… instead of being happy for example when I first found out I was pregnant (overjoyed at the prospect of being Parents) she laid a BIG Guilt Trip on me… told me stupid stuff like she was disappointed in me as a child, and hoped my children treated me better etc (and a bunch of other mumble jumble stuff that doesn’t make any sense at all… about Satan etc… oh ya did I mention she was CRAZY ?)

Anyhow I finally had to do it… I cut her out of my life.

It wasn’t easy… but she wasn’t good for MY MENTAL HEALTH… and she was poisoning my otherwise happy life (and I was also getting concerned about her and the kids… I didn’t even like her visiting… let alone them spending anytime with Gramma alone)

Was it hard YES


Regrets NONE

My first post in this topic tells you the basics, when you marry and create a NEW Family then you have to honour that commitment & protect it… that is your FIRST PRIORITY

You need to tell you Mother that… then you have to work harder at being STRONGER and setting boundaries… and KEEPING THEM

Just because she is your Mother doesn’t give her the right to be talking sh!t about you !!

Hope this helps (( HUGS ))

PS… If you catch her stalking you (ie parking her car on the street and watching the house… you need to call the Police… tell them there is a car on your street and someone watching your house.  Stalking is stalking… doesn’t matter if it was a LOVED ONE (or former loved one) doing it)


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