(Closed) Choice between spouse or family

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 17
Member
3022 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

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@Mrslovebug:  Oh wow, pregnant too? Then you really have no choice. You don’t want any of that to be a part of your child’s life, do you.

I have no idea how you cut all these people out of your life in terms of the practicalities. Hopefully your therapist can help with that. Especially if they like “driving by” and ignoring your requests.

I really wish you luck with this. It sounds like you’re doing SO well, despite a whirlwind of craziness and drama all around you! Protect your family. 🙂

Post # 20
Member
3022 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

OMG the stories get worse and worse. 

You may indeed need restraining orders. Cut yourself off from her facebook, etc. I wish you could MOVE. Definitely change your numbers, etc. I wish I had more advice!

Post # 22
Member
2664 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID

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@Mrslovebug:  I’d cut them out completely. My mom sounds like your family. I love her, but my life is much better without her. Your husband is obviously better than your family (from what you’ve said), so I’d think you’d rather not lose him. 

Post # 23
Member
9947 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

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@Mrslovebug:  I will send you a PM

 

Post # 24
Member
9680 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@Zhabeego:  +1. It won’t be your parents and grandparents who you will spend your life with. It will be your partner. If you are an adult, you don’t need to do what your parents say anymore. 

Post # 25
Member
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Husband or not, your relationship with your family sounds pretty toxic. For your own well-being, and for the sake of your marriage, you should consider distancing yourself from them.

Post # 26
Member
2190 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

As soon as drugs get involved, all bets are off. No one will be allowed my (future) children if they are a known drug user. Family or not. Doesn’t matter. I had an ex-DH that did drugs. I left him. In that situation, my family came first, not my husband, since he was an addict. I could not see having children with that man (or a life much less). 

I wish you nothing but the best of luck. Stay strong. I am a firm believer that blood does not make someone family. It’s how they treat you. 

Post # 28
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Honestly, if my family didn’t like my husband for a good reason and didn’t warm up to him after meeting him and hanging out with him a few times, I probably wouldn’t have pursued a relationship with him and we wouldn’t be married.  BUT I am very close to my family and while they can be a little crazy from time to time, they are pretty normal overall so I respect their opinion.

It sounds like your family has their own problems and if they don’t have their own stuff together, they don’t have an opinion that I would respect.  If you love your SO and there is no reasonable reason for your family to judge him, then you need to support him and stand up to your family in support of him and your relationship.  If your family reacts poorly then some period of separation between you and your family may be necessary until they learn to accept your SO.

Post # 29
Member
7305 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I really can’t believe this is even a question. My marriage vows come first. Period.

Post # 30
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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@Mrslovebug:  I’ve been reading thru all you wrote on this post and please 🙁 are you listening to yourself? Marriage-aside, you CANNOT have toxic, alcoholic/druggie family members around your children!! IT’S NOT SAFE! Anything could have happened while your daughter was with your mom on ecstacy that weekend, your daughter could have died-and then what, how could you say “I thought she was safe” when you damn well know better?! That wasn’t the first time your mother did drugs.

You need to cut your family off COMPLETELY! Ignore calls, lock the door, shut the curtains, don’t respond to emails, block on facebook. Give it at least 6months to help heal your marriage&family- those kids are YOUR family now and you must protect them. And when you’re ready again to let your mother/family in, do it SLOWLY with short visits and DEMAND the requirement of her taking drug/alcohol tests (they’re available at the dollar store and walmart).

Post # 31
Member
719 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Your family sounds not only toxic, but actually unsafe for your kids to be around. Cut all ties, before things get worse. Get a restraining order, let the neighbours know you don’t want them there – whatever you need to do.

To answer your more general question, husband first. Like others said, barring a situation of abuse or something, marriage vows mean you are now each other’s immediate family. Everyone else, and everything else, come second.

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