(Closed) Choice between spouse or family

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 32
Hostess
2632 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@Mrslovebug:  Ummm how seriouse do you think your mom is on her threats of suicide? This sounds heartless but ven with those threats I would just still cut her and your family loose. Moving away is too much and unfair to you and your DH…if a restraining order works (and you can get one) then it may be the way to go. 

Don’t take their idol threats to heart and just cut them loose…..don’t throw away a lovely life with your hubby for lack of standing firm with your family

Post # 33
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

In your case, I would say to seperate yourself from them. There are many ways to do this. Ideally, one should not have to choose. Keep in mind, if you had a family worth keeping, if the marriage did not work you may not be able to run back to them when things fell apart. 

I’ll give an example. My FI’s sister who is pure evil (I have posted about her previously) is choosing her husband over her family. The family I am marrying into is not perfect, but they are wonderful! They do not tell her she is right, which she usually is not when it comes to relationships. She has already ruined the relationship with her dad, his wife, my fiance, myself, another brother, and says she will do the same to her mom and sister. Her spouse is a leech, a louse, a liar, manipulator, a cheater, and secretly bisexual to name a few… He is not worth tossing aside her family. When she literally had nothing, we and the rest of them helped her, fed her, and even gave her shelter (never asked for a thing in return). She is an ungrateful turd and I look forward to watching her continued descent. 

Your family sounds like they are not worth having a relationship with, regardless of whether you are married or not. I cut ties with my mother long before I even met my Fiance. He has never met her. I, like everyone else, wanted a mother. I let her hurt me so many times. I finally had to stop it when I realized she would do the same to her grandchildren. I do not regret my decision. I will always love her, from afar. It is one of the healthiest choices I have made. I think folks who come from a healthy family may think that it should be the end all be all. I have had a different experience. Family can hurt you worse than an enemy because you are unguarded.

I don’t think you should pick your spouse over your family. You should seperate yourself from them because it is in YOUR best interest and what is healthiest for you. If they suddenly make a turn around, by all means give it another go if you want. Otherwise, married or not, walk away and keep looking forward. Good luck to you, whatever you choose!

Post # 34
Member
1782 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

My husband would come 1st. I would be having some serious talks with the rest of my family – if this situation ever arose, because there is no need for it. Unless you man is abusive or something? … I mean, your love and new family is not their buisiness.

Post # 35
Member
1953 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I don’t speak to my father for other reasons, so this one’s a no brainer. Even if I did, I’d choose my husband over him. My husband is my immediate family, my number one priority. Family can be hurt but they all did the same thing when they got married so it’s not like they can hold that over me.

My family has a funny way of showing acceptance to my husband, in that they don’t. They say they do, but they don’t act like it. And I’ve made it clear on several occasions that he comes first. My family don’t really bother with me anymore. It sucks, but that’s life.

Post # 37
Member
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

OMG! I’ve been through something similar and all I can say is you NEED to cut all toxic ties out of your life….If not for you, then for your sweet, innocent children!

Post # 38
Member
1285 posts
Bumble bee

The family you’ve created under your roof comes first and that should be your #1  priority.  If your mom and other family members can’t respect that, you need to cut ties, stop answering emails, texts and phone calls for a while. Cut them out and force the space between you and them if they won’t except it.  

 

Post # 39
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013 - Tybee Island, GA

I LOVE my family… but if they were coming between my husband and I… I would choose my husband. He is my family now! Your family needs to understand that!

Post # 40
Member
1230 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

That’s a tough situation for anyone. It would really depend on the situation. Who (if anyone) is being unreasonable? You would need to figure out who is the problem and go from there. I dont think there is an easy answer to this question.

Post # 42
Hostess
11161 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

@Mrslovebug:  Well I would cry, a lot. Then I would choose my DH.

As our pastor said during our pre-marital counseling the relationship and marriage has to come first. Protect it with everything you have regardless of who is attacking it.

Post # 43
Member
314 posts
Helper bee

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@Mrslovebug:  Good for you!!! I’m so proud of you. Your family sounds very toxic. You did the best thing for yourself. I know it can be hard, but you’ll get through it. It sounds like you have a wonderful DH to support you 🙂 I’ve been through the same thing, and so have many PPs it seems. We’re here for you- to talk, to listen. You’re going to feel so much better. And it’s better for your relationship too. 

Post # 45
Member
1153 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

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@Mrslovebug:  Stay strong! You have a family, its your SO, child and baby on the way. There is NO need for excess drama from outside sources. Keep your chin up, cuttig ties is so hard to do but remember if these people were just your “friends” you would have cut them out of your life a long time ago. Sharing DNA with people does not a family make & you don’t need toxic people in your life. Keep up the great work and focus all of your energy on yourself and that family you have created! *hugs to you* its not an easy posotion to be in.

Post # 46
Member
1316 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - NH

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@Mrslovebug:  Definitely do not let her.  She shouldn’t be telling you when she is coming, she should be asking you.  Let her know it doesn’t work.  You have to start making those boundaries.  You also might need to, at some point, be honest with your mom about both how much you love her and how hard the situation is for you.  Until she respects your wishes, don’t have an open door policy.  Try to only go out to meet her for a coffee or something similar for small visits in doses that are better for you.

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