Choice of having/not having children

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
9812 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

There are lots of people that shouldn’t have children that do.  It’s good that it’s becoming more socially acceptable to not have children but we have a long way to go.  If you don’t want children, you shouldn’t have them.  I really wish birth control was also more widely available and accessible.  

I always thought I could be happy with or without but I guess I just tried to imagine what I wanted my future to look like in 10 or 20 years and I thought I wanted to have kids and (hopefully) grandchildren.  I didn’t want it to be just me and my husband in 30 years, if that makes sense.  But I was a little apprehensive about having kids since I was never a kid or baby person that fawned over them.  I don’t think I held a baby until my own.  My first was an oops so we just rolled with it (I was 29) and then I had a second.  It is very hard work but I love it.  I can totally understand why someone wouldn’t want children because it’s a lot of work every single day, lots of money, and lots of patience and lost time for yourself.  It’s definitely worth it to me but not everyone will feel that way.  I always thought I liked the older kid stage, or even 1+ but it was a surprise to me how much I loved babies after I had my own.  I still don’t really care for other peoples kids except for my close friends kids.  

Post # 17
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee

IMO, it is selfish to both want and not want children. Having children is selfish because it is really about what the potential parent wants out of their life. Not having them is selfish because most of the people making that decision want to be unencumbered with taking care of a child.

I have been told:

  • “Oh, well the GOOD people need to have children!” (as if they were pointing out I was one of the good ones)” 
  • “Oh, you will change your mind!” (I have heard this many times, and I have known since I was a teenager I didn’t want kids and I am 30 now)
  • “Oh, when you find ‘the one’ you will change your mind!” (I had been with ‘the one’ for YEARS at that point)

I admit I am selfish that I want my life to myself, but that doesn’t make me a bad person. I am actually quite a caring type of person towards others (I feel this is maybe part of some sort of stigma or stereotype towards child-free people? That we are cold and unfeeling?). I am not going to be cruel to a child and feel children are innocent and should be protected and cared for, but admit that I would prefer to have nothing to do with them.

I don’t need children to care for me when I am older. If I am careful with the money I earn, I can accumulate the funds to take care of myself when I am older. It is also not like I am without friends or family for support if I need assistance when I am older. There are resources out there.

However, I do not think it is selfish to want to not reproduce knowing I have medical conditions that run in my family that are likely to be passed on through genetics, especially since my FH has similar medical conditions that exist in his family. How selfish would it be if I reproduced knowing that my child would suffer in life? Children are not asked to be born and as a potential breeder it is my responsibility to protect that potential for life, however hypothetical it may be. There are enough people and children in the world that suffer everyday to bring another one in it. 

My animals are my babies. Some people say animals are different, but to me they are so precious, just as a human child would be to their parents.

Post # 18
Member
713 posts
Busy bee

My Fiance and I decided we will have one and only one child. We were on the fence about kids but after talking it over being parents together is something we would like to experience, and I also want to experience being pregnant. I’m an only child and never wished for a sibling as I formed very close friendships and these girls became my “sisters” of sorts. We looked at people in our lives who have more than one child and it seems that their entire identity is mommy or daddy. Everything they do revolves around their kids. I’m fine with being mommy but I need a separate identity outside of it, and I don’t see that working with more than one child. My mom was able to travel and take me on many trips abroad during my childhood and she freely admits that if she had another she wouldn’t have been able to afford to do all the cool things we got to do. I want to do this with my child as well. Plus, you only have to do everything once. Dealing with the newborn stage, potty training, terrible 2s, etc. I have no desire to do that multiple times. 

Post # 19
Member
4060 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

We had kids because we always pictured outrselves as parents. Because we always pictured enjoying things with our kids like Christmas mornings and family vacations, and road trips, and school plays and Sunday morning breakfasts.

All of which are entirely selfish reasons.

Post # 20
Member
6366 posts
Bee Keeper

Much more selfish to pop out a kid and plan them as your caregiver in 60 years lol. 

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