Choose between parents or fiance

posted 3 years ago in Christian
Post # 16
355 posts
Helper bee

Do you not want to move in with your Fiance because it is your beliefs or because it’s not what normally happens in your family? 

If you truly don’t believe in living together before marriage, try pointing out to your Fiance that the Catholic church is very against this and see if he is willing to budge on this. If he’s not, then you two probably won’t come to a compromise on this particular issue and it seems your values are simply too different.

If you don’t want to move in with him simply because it’s not what your family normally does, then you need to figure out what is more important. Fitting in with the restv of your family or keeping your relationship with your Fiance. If you choose to move in with him, you will need to learn how to take up for yourself. When I started dating my Fiance, my parents didn’t like that he’s a different race & I had to learn the phrase “if you want to be a part of my life, you must respect my decision. You don’t have to agree with it, but you do have to respect it.” This takes a lot though, and I had to be willing for them to not respect it & move on with my life.

Post # 17
6806 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Okay well…your family sounds very extreme with their thinking. 

Anyway! Have you really only been with your Fiance for 8 months? When did he propose? Has he even MET your parents yet? In my opinion it sounds like you mostly want to marry this guy in order to move out of your parents house and that’s a really awful reason to get married. I’m assuming you’re an adult (though you do sound young) and so you’re allowed to make your own decisions. Move in with your Fiance or move into your own place with friends. 

Post # 18
3334 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Your family sounds crazy. I actually feel bad for you and your Fiance for how they treat you. Some of what you said is horrific.

I’m so confused by a lot of your post. They hate him and call you a slut, but want you to marry him quickly so people dont talk?

All very weird. However, you sound young, and being engaged after 8 months seems quick. So I would tread cautiously. If you want to move out, I’d probably suggest you move out with some friends, rather than right into his house. I actually think that would be a really good experience for you – not being around such overbearing parents for a while. This will give you time to grow and learn about YOURSELF. Not what your parents tell you to be.

Also, are you sticking up for your Fiance when your parents talk shit about him? If you aren’t, you need to ASAP. Imagine if his mom was calling you a slut and other terrible things, I think you’d want him defending you. Please be courteous and do the same for him.

Post # 19
1747 posts
Bumble bee

Two sides to this issue.  On one hand, if you’re old enough to get married, then you need to be able to choose your (rather than your parents) path.  

On the other hand, if your parents beliefs are YOUR beliefs as well, then your fiance needs to have some respect for them.  You’ll need to decide if it’s a dealbreaker that you’re married before you move in with him.  Maybe a compromise all could live with is you living on your own – not with mom/dad and not with Fiance.  It would probably be a good thing to discover both some independence and have a chance to sort what your priorities are.   

Lots of people swear they would not marry before living with someone.  You do not have to be one of them – you’re allowed to want the commitment prior to moving in.  If Fiance doesn’t want that, then maybe you’re not the right match.   

Post # 20
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

I also didn’t want to live with my Fiance before we are married. And I still don’t, it’s important to me and also my family ( I am also catholic and I want do things right by what my faith has taught me, that’s my values, and to each their own)

I told my Fiance from the very beginning that I wouldn’t live with him until we are married and if he has a problem with that he can build a bridge and get over it. 

But we have also been dating for 4 years and he never once wanted to get on my parents bad side, and completely respected my wishes. 

Post # 21
2937 posts
Sugar bee

You’re 28 years old.  Make a decision based on your own values rather than your parents’ values or your fiance’s values or Weddingbee values or anyone else’s values.

Stand up to everyone if necessary.

Do what YOU believe is right.

Post # 22
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

OP, I’m not going to address most of these specific issues because others already have, and I think you can be as religious and traditional as you want when it comes to sex, cohabitation, etc; but I think the major issue here is this idea of not being  able to choose between your Fiance and your parents.

In my opinion, if you can’t choose between your parents and the person you’re going to marry, you have no business being married or engaged. When you marry, that person is your partner, and you are supposed to put them first, before all your other relationships. It’s not fair to your Fiance to potentially be married to someone who is always going to voluntarily pit him against her parents and “not be able to decide.” Where does this end? Will this come up again when it comes to how you are raising your kids? With other topics in your marital life? It’s fine to love your parents and want to make them happy, but there comes a time when you need to take control of your own life, and that can mean doing things your parents don’t agree with. If you want to marry him, then you need to be prepared to truly commit to him. That’s not what I’m seeing here.

I also really think you need to move out and live on your own for awhile before getting married, or at least live with a roommate. You are doing yourself a major disservice not having the experience of being an independent person.

ETA: I actually feel this needs to be added, too: Divorce is not as simple as “I don’t believe in it unless cheating or abuse.” You realize that both parties don’t have to desire a divorce in order for it to happen, right? Please be aware that it is a real possibility even if you don’t personally consider it an option. I’m not saying it WILL happen, just bringing it up because he apparently does see it as an option in the event of incompatibility or irreconcilable differences. There have been people who didn’t believe in divorce, or didn’t want one, who still wound up divorced because their spouse filed for it, and you can’t actually force someone to remain married to you.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  GreenGables.
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