(Closed) Choose your battles, what does that mean?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think ‘choose your battles’ means different things to different people, but in my experience, it is almost always a good idea to communicate what you are feeling. Sometimes if we feel strongly about something, it can be hard to communicate in a rational and sensitive way, because our emotions take over and we end up going over the top. But if something is really important to you or bothering you…it is almost always a good idea to let the other person know. You can let them know in a nice way…but definitely share it. If it is a very emotional subject, sometimes it is helpful to write down everything you are feeling and then put it aside for a day or so. Come back to it, look it over and decide if/what you want to share with the other person.

Hope this helps!

Post # 4
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

My mother gave me this advice when I first moved in with DH and I think it’s great. It will be different for each person so I don’t know that a book will help. For me it’s about deciding what is worth the effort. DH has an annoying habit of leaving his drawers open. I can see them open as I come up the hallway to our bedroom. It looks like we have a poltergeist in the house. There are socks and T shirts spilling out to the floor. It sh*ts me to tears, and he knows it because occasionally I’ll say something. I could nag him every day about it, but I don’t. It’s not worth the pain, for either of us. So this is a battle I choose to not have – I’m not ignoring it, I’m just choosing to live with it and be in a good mood instead 🙂

When he was running an hour late to pick me up for a camping trip on the weekend and didn’t call or text? I could have shut up about that too but to me it felt worthwhile to pick it as a battle. And by battle, I mean saying “honey next time you’re running late please let me know, I could have been getting things done all that time” and talking about it 🙂

Other people use the phrase “is this your hill to die on” or “is this a deal breaker” and I think those are similar phrases, and again different for everyone.

Post # 5
Member
14702 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

It means there are some things in the grand scheme of things that really don’t amount to much and there are some things that are really big and can really make a difference.  Kind of don’t sweat the small stuff, save it for the big stuff.

Post # 6
Member
8354 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I don’t think there is a book that you can read. It is something that really comes with experience.

For example, if your guy wants to wear mismatched socks when you go out, that is probably something that won’t really affect you too much, except that you just may hate the idea and really want him to wear matching socks. This is a battle that you could let him win.

However, if your guy wants to spend all of his off time with his guys going to strip clubs and partying it up without you, that is a battle that you would probably want to explore and not lock away, unless you are really comfortable with him doing this.

It is never a good idea to put something really big “in the safe” and then open it later. The only time you would probably want to do this is if the arguement got really out-of-hand. You would probably want to walk away and then come back later when you are calmed down.

I hope this helps.

Post # 7
Member
283 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

For me it’s less of a decision about if it’s worth the effort and more about whether it’s worth the feelings hurt.  I don’t like how FI arranges the dishes in the cupboard when he does the dishes, but is it worth it to make him feel bad about it when he was trying to be helpful?  Nope.  It’s about telling which are the really issues and which are the details.

Post # 8
Member
1944 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m with MichelleMyBelle, it’s all in what you choose to battle over. I’ve learned this the hard way over the years. I’m very OCD about cleanliness while DH is not but really, is it worth an argument or time wasted on anger that he does not pick up his socks, put the dishes in the DW or forget to do something I asked? No. He works his tail off to make sure we have a wonderful life and he loves me unconditionally. If bigger things arise then we battle it out, but honestly, we communicate so much that we can usually squash the big crap before it gets there. My MIL yells at my FIL over every little thing and honestly after 30 yrs he has had enough and is about ready to call it quits. She must have never hear this advice?

Post # 9
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

these ladies are on track as far as i’m concerned!  it’s not about pushing something out of the way and letting it build…..if it really matters to you or upsets you, THOSE things are  battles, i.e. things that need to be resolved.  but does it really matter if he doesnt make the bed the way YOU like?  or if he doesn’t put the toilet seat down, or forgets to put his cup on a coaster?  emotional issues, respect issues, boundary issues, trust issues….those are worth fighting for!  There really are small things. don’t let them hang up your relationship.

Post # 10
Member
1129 posts
Bumble bee

Some of the best advice ever given to me about relationships was The Rule of Five.  Will it matter in 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 weeks, 5 months, or 5 years?  Using that rule feels silly sometimes, but it is a good way to keep yourself in check.

If you have an issue that comes up over and over again, that if it continues WILL matter in those time frames, I’d say it is a battle to pick. 

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