(Closed) Choosing Between Two Wonderful Guys (sorry, long!)

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

ALSO consider that you have more in common interest-wise with guy A. That is REALLY important, since most people prefer to marry someone who is also their best friend! 

But that’s just my two cents 😛 

::edit:: (I was assuming that you’re looking for someone to whom you’d eventually marry) 

Post # 18
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@MadTownGirl:  Agree with you on it being too early/needing more time!

Post # 19
Member
11744 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

A. hands down. the jealousy, etc. of B is a yellow flag. Very passionate relationships can also be very unstable!  

Post # 20
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Guy A.

I’ve dated both types in my life, and I find that the ones I had a passionate relationship with tended to also be more volatile on the whole; as in, you two will love hard, but also fight hard. Thus, I am ending up with a stable guy I love, but who I didn’t necessarily feel lightning with when we first kissed.

I also have to address the butterflies thing. I have always found that, for me, butterflies come from a feeling of not knowing, which can be both good and bad. If Guy A doesn’t give you butterflies, that doesn’t have to be a bad thing, and could just mean you are comfortable and happy around him. 

Post # 21
Member
503 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I also vote for A… All of my previous relationships started off with fireworks and explosions and like someone else they all ended the same. With FH it wasn’t like that in the beginning and it’s turned into the most amazing relationship.

Post # 22
Member
8036 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@PaperFlowers:  I would have said that you should pick Guy A in a heartbeat, but if you’re not feeling ANY chemistry with him, then I wouldn’t. The fact that there’s no butterflies… especially right at the beginning… doesn’t bode too well for the future.

I think you need a mix of butterflies and stability for it to work in the long-haul.

So… with that said, I’m going to say you should pick Guy B. Enjoy the butterflies and see how things go down the road. He may not be needy as you fear, and maybe he will be a good long-term partner.. you just don’t know it yet.

Of course you know this, but keep in mind that it’s not like you have to marry either of these guys. I don’t think it’s fair to Guy A if you’re not attracted to him… he deserves more. See how it goes with B!

Post # 23
Member
2755 posts
Sugar bee

@inky_1:  +1

I had a lot of this line of thinking when I was dating again after ending things with my ex-FI. When I met my current SO (and probably future FI), I was still in that “who do I choose” stage and seeing multiple people. He just blew everyone else out of the water and there was a moment when I realized he could slip through my fingers if I didn’t tell him I wanted him and that scared the living DAYLIGHTS out of me. I think you’ll know when it’s right.

I’d say maybe you aren’t ready for a serious commitment with either man – and that’s okay, don’t feel you have to put yourself in another exclusive relationship again so soon.

Post # 24
Member
5659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think that if you have to think this hard about which one to date, then you aren’t ready to date either one exclusively. On the other hand, I flip flopped a lot about wether to date my now husband long term. But still, with just getting out of a relationship, and how hard you are thinking about it and weighing the pros and cons about them, you aren’t ready to make a decision, or maybe even date anyone seriously.

Post # 25
Member
9976 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@PaperFlowers:   Neither of them. 

When you find the right one there won’t be any choice to make; it will easy and abundantly clear that he is It  for you.

The right man will embody all of the qualities you want and need.  When you find a man like Guy A, who gives you butterflies, that will be the right one. 

(I have this with my Darling Husband. He’s like Guy A and Guy B in one.  I still have tons of butterflies for him, even after marriage.  Our first kiss was off-the-charts-passionate and we have amazing physical chemistry.  You can find it all.  Don’t settle!!).

Wouldn’t you want “the one” to know  it was you and not have to make a 50/50 choice between you and another woman?

Post # 26
Member
4272 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Can you have both? Like….that movie… “Savages” style?  

Kidding!!

I say A, but I am not you and I don’t know anything more about them besides what you told us. I think you should give it some time, when you know…you know. If you can’t choose then you are not ready. Don’t feel pressured to choose right away when Guy C, D or E might be out there somewhere and might actually be the one for you!

Post # 27
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@BeachBride2014:  “For me, this would be a no brainer.  My type is the stable guy: stable job, stable life, stable friends, and stable emotions.  I’ve dated the emotional guy and while the passion is exciting at first, it ends up being a major turnoff for me.”

This. I was in a very similar situation to this when I started dating my fiance. I was also dating another guy, much less stable in career and what he wanted, who was very passionate and exciting. My fiance I enjoyed talking to and we had many interests in common, but I wasn’t sure if there was that spark. But after dating them for several weeks (I started dating my fiance a week after the other guy, though I had met him a week before), it became clear that my fiance was the one who was more supportive, who would answer my texts and calls right away, who cared more about my thoughts and feelings, and so on. I chose him. Never looked back. He was also slower to open up but at least in my case when he did, everything just made me love him even more.

@emmalyn:  “Also, I would probably tend to exercise massive caution if I sense jealousy this early. But that’s me.”

And this.

@MissStumptown:  “I also have to address the butterflies thing. I have always found that, for me, butterflies come from a feeling of not knowing, which can be both good and bad. If Guy A doesn’t give you butterflies, that doesn’t have to be a bad thing, and could just mean you are comfortable and happy around him.”

This is exactly what I’ve found too. Every relationship that I felt butterflies or wild passion in was also one in which I was very insecure. I didn’t know where I stood with my partner, I was worried he would leave me, etc. One of the reasons I love my fiance is that I never have to worry about anything like that. We’re solid. It may feel less exciting in one way, but it’s very exciting in other ways that my previous relationships weren’t.

Post # 28
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Based on the fact that most everything you said about Guy A was positive and Guy B was negative, I think you have your answer.

Post # 29
Member
3245 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Is it possible that part of the reason you feel little physical spark with Guy A because you have that with Guy B?

Sometimes, when one is dating and is very aware of what one wants and is being cautious about finding out who the other person really is, it can take a couple dates (in my experience) for more than mild physical attraction to surface. When I met my SO, when I first saw him, I thought he was attractive, but he didn’t make me swoon at first encounter like my most recent ex had. My SO and I met at a social dance, talked, but he didn’t ask me out, so I forced myself to forget about him, and then when we saw each other 2 weeks later at the next dance, he did ask me out. At that point I was interested, but exercising extreme caution, and did not feel that much of a spark. Our first official date was lovely and fun and we connected on a lot of levels, but I didn’t feel a great deal of chemistry. The next date after that was completely different– we had astounding chemistry and attraction. It just took some getting to know each other and thinking things over/deciding if the other person was someone we wanted to pursue. 4 years later, we are talking about when to get married. 🙂

I think PP have an excellent point when they ask (if you are looking for a long-term partner) which guy you would rather go through some difficult event or accident with. Also, which one, if either, do you find yourself thinking “I love you” at secretly?

If I were you and I was looking for a life partner, I would get to know both guys more before choosing. See who you start falling in love with, but consider the practical things as you are doing too. If I were you and I was just looking for a very short-term relationship, I would pick Guy B because of the passion and greater connection. Even though I personally am now wary of men who are enthusiastic about intensely relating their emotions and past to someone they recently met. 3 of them I’ve encountered have turned out to be self-absorbed, pretty badly messed up, and 2 of those have been the gossipy type you couldn’t trust. BUT that is a sampling of guys I’ve actually met, and because the first of those three is an ex of mine, I’m biased. I don’t like the sound of him being jealous after a few dates– my mind kind of jumps to “possibly controlling” when I heard that.

If you chose Guy A to try for a long-term relationship with, do you think you could be attracted to him? Do you think that if Guy B wasn’t in the picture at all, you’d be more physically attracted to Guy A? I would hate to be in a long-term relationship with someone who I didn’t start out having extraordinary passion with, just because the most intense feelings do go away over time and it’s nice to have a fairly high level of attraction even after a number of years!

Wow, that was long. Sorry.

 

Post # 30
Member
481 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@PaperFlowers:  After re-reading this I realized that a little over 3 years ago I left a “Guy B” for a “Guy A” and it was the best decision I ever made.

Post # 31
Member
9818 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

If you’re not entirely sure, don’t date either one exclusively.  You can tell them both you need a little more time before you’re ready to commit to anything.  They should understand that.  6 weeks isn’t a long time or anything!  When Fiance asked me to be his girlfriend the first time, I told him I wasn’t ready!  It took me just a little longer, but once I knew …there was no doubt in my mind!  And it took me almost 2 months to realize that.

Otherwise…which one would you be more upset to lose?

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