Choosing love over Infatuation, still struggling to get over my ex.

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Wanting sexual chemistry with the person you’re set to marry doesn’t make you vain! It makes you normal. 

now, if your Fiance can’t provide you with the verbal affirmations and passion you desire.. Do his other qualities make up for that? Or do you think you’ll still long for It? 

I would be hesitant to marry someone who I felt was lacking something I needed.


Post # 3
1519 posts
Bumble bee

Obviously sexual chemistry is important but try not to compare him to your ex- as you said, you have less sexual chemistry but a much better relationship! And years down the line its the healthy relationship you will need. One day looks will fade and you will want sex less but need that companionship. I always think you should marry your best friend- a best friend you can also have sex with. On that note I think sex is always something that can be improved and worked on! If its not great right now, you can try therapy for ideas or spice it up a bit, trying new things with each other. When you really love someone and have that great communication you will always be willing to try together to fix things- and from your last paragraph the two of you sound like you are doing this which is great. I would start all over sex-wise with your Fiance and take it right back to the beginning- start slow and build back up to sex. Re-teach each other what you like all over again with lots of foreplay (verbally for you, and physically for him). It will take some time but you should be able to improve your chemistry. 

Post # 4
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Allyg:  you have to teach yourself to look at your FIs qualities that make you want to marry him. For me, watching my Fiance play with our kids, take out the trash, even pay bills, is what turns me on-when he acts like a manly-husband type. Our chemistry isn’t mind blowing, BUT through our security with each other, and knowing we are each others “last”, weve been able to open up in the bedroom. So, now we go for quality over quantity. My love for him also grows everyday because I KNOW he loves me. He would do ANYTHING to see me happy, which he’s proven time and again. 

I feel what your saying. But look at it this way, great, mind altering, earth shattering sex is great! But, great sex doesn’t pay the bills. It won’t be an excellent dad to your kids. It won’t take care of you when you’re sick. And when the fabulous sex goes away, and you’re left with only each other, what would you rather have? A man who put you at your worst? Or a man that cared for you and genuinely loved you, without a doubt for the last 50 years? 

Post # 5
2138 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I know what you mean ‘cos I had mind-blowing sex with an ex, that unhealthy passionate connection that drives you crazy, etc..

But over time, that fades, and what you really need for a happy life is to marry your best friend (which I did).

You’re just missing that ‘excitement’, but you can work on making things exciting with your fiance, and find excitement in your life in other ways (like the birth of your first child.. etc 🙂 ).

You’re normal, don’t worry.. just don’t put so much importance on this thought, because it’s just a thought of the moment, and that fact that right now you’re missing that ‘excitement’ doesn’t mean it’s something that you will miss long-term or that would make you happy if you traded it in for what you have now.

Post # 6
239 posts
Helper bee

Wait wait wait. You are not even giving your fiance a fighting chance here.  He doesn’t look at you the same way as your ex did, he doesn’t have the same passion that your ex did…. of course not they are two different people. Imo you are talking yourself out of this relationship. Comparision is the theif of joy! You are more needy verbally and if he loves you he will try to cater to that more, but you have to accept it will never be the same. He is more needy physically and if you love him you will cater to that more. A relationship is give, give, more give, and very little take. Besides, if you are both giving completely to the other then neither of you will need to “take” much. Does that make sense? Lol 

My Fiance and I are the same way. We will always be different with different needs and that’s okay. 

I highly suggest you both taking the test ‘the five love languages’. It really opened our eyes to eachothers needs. You can honestly make it but you need to shoo those thoughts away. Remember why you aren’t with him anymore and remember why you ARE marrying your Fiance. If this is something you know you won’t shake I would postpone the wedding. Probably not the best idea marrying someone you deem as second best. I know you may not see it but that is what you’re doing. 

Luck and prayers!

Ps. I think when you shake this it will greatly improve y’alls sexual relationship! He may be in the dark. Forget about ex and let loose with fi!


Post # 7
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think you really need to take a good hard look at your relationship. If you are two weeks away from your wedding and not head-over-heels in love and crazy excited about marrying this man then are you sure this is what you want to do? Why are you still even thinking about your ex? I get it- you want that lust- but you cannot live a happy life off of lust. Marriage takes commitment and doing everything in your power to make the other person happy. You and your ex obviously did not have what it takes to lead a happy married life because you broke up. While your husband is off being excited to marry you, you are sitting around thinking about your ex. Seems harsh and I feel kind of bad for this man you are marrying.

Just take a good hard look at what you have NOW and stop thinking about the past. The past is the past.

Post # 8
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I don’t think this is so much about an ex as it is about settling in a very important area of your  relationship right from the outset. It’s too bad you had to come to this realization now, at this late date, and by no means fair to your Fiance, but if you are not sure, for any reason, and are having significant doubts, you really have no business getting married right now. 

Post # 9
393 posts
Helper bee

I remember reading somewhere a buddhist saying that went along the lines of, “When you meet the person you’re supposed to spend the rest of your life with you won’t feel weak in the knees, you will feel a calm settle over you.”

The whole purpose of the saying is suggesting that true love, lasting love, shouldn’t be a crazy chemical attraction. That doesn’t last and isn’t healthy. Movies have led us to believe crazy passion is true love but that passion, it isn’t sustainable. Why do you think the movies always end right after they get back together?

  • This reply was modified 4 years ago by  adomke.
Post # 10
1995 posts
Buzzing bee

I think that you (at least) may need to discuss a postponement (if not a cancellation, as another poster has sugested) in order for you to do some work, whether that be therapeutic or otherwise, to figure out whether or not you’re seeking a quite-reasonable sexual compatibility or if you are truly dealing with an unhealthy infatuation with your ex (and, if the latter, continue to seek therapeutic help in order to create healthier relationship behavior).  I wouldn’t feel comfortable judging what’s really going on here based on some message board posts.

Post # 12
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Allyg:  In my experience that intensity you had with your ex is the product of uncertainty. There is an excitement from being kept on your toes, not certain where you stand, which is why we have butterflies at the beginning of relationships. It usually fades as we grow into relationships but in some volatile relationships we never get comfortable enough for it to fade. But that is no way to live as it takes a lot of pain to keep those butterflies going. As for your chemistry sexually, you haven’t written enough for me to have an opinion, but I would not want that butterfly-creating uncertainty in a marriage.

Post # 14
1046 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Allyg:  ive had that intensity with exes in unhealthy relationships. ive also felt what you describe with your current boyfriend after getting over those previous relationships. hes amazing in all aspects but the sexual chemistry isnt working. its not gonna change hun.

my 2 cents: if the sexual chemistry hasnt developed by now it prolly won’t. your choice is btw settling for that or moving on to hopefully find a greater love.

i chose to leave and did find a greater love. it’s an in between love of sorts…not as intense as the unhealthy relationships which were so intense bc of the unhealthiness but overall more satisfying. my guy is amazing and wonderful and sweet and treats me right and we also have incredible sexual chemistry which is something my previous ex and i didnt have even after 5 years of being together. that was when i decided i wasnt gonna settle for a second rate sex life. im lucky i found the man of my dreams 6 months later.

Post # 15
40 posts

Allyg:  I would love an update here (privately or otherwise) as I am in a very similar situation now. There are no rings involved yet, just serious talk and life decisions. I’ve got myself almost convinced that this “boredom” and feeling of not being desired/passion/wanted/lust as much is actually just what security feels like in adult relationships. I had my share of hot and heavy relationships, and they were fun at times but ultimately very unhealthy and full of drama, which is exciting, sure, but not what you want in a life partnership. So maybe this is just what certainty and stability feels like, and I don’t recognize it because I’ve never had it before. I’ve never been in a solid long term relationship like this. We are just at the tipping point, we’ve been together a couple years and I either have to let myself be all in or hit the road (he has not set this ultimatum, I just see that I am at a crossroads).

We have a great life together, he is incredibly kind, sweet, honest. There’s really not a single thing I dislike about him. We live together, we have a fantastic group of friends and we do a lot of things together, sports/travelling/entertaining while maintaining our own interests. There have NEVER been any glaring isues of trust or anger. He’s seen me through significant life trauma (death in the family, serious illness). On paper, it’s a perfect. I have everything I would have ever wanted in a relationship and yet I am often panicked that it’s not quite right. I wake up with anxiety in the middle of the night. 

Next in the works is our tentative timeline: we are looking at buying a house and engagement in the next 1-2 years, but putting off the date until I finish graduate school mostly for scheduling reasons.

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