Post # 1
Last year after high school graduation,I went to stay a week with a friend I hadn’t seen in years. She lives 9 hrs away. I never went home because her brother and I fell in love. Understandably, this hurt my parents , but ultimately they understand. Now we have decided to marry. Originally I did say I’d go home to be married in our family church where my dad pastors, but my FH’s fam have very important jobs and can’t take off to go home for a wedding. My mom sent me a beautiful letter and a check for $10,000 saying she understands the situation and if I will choose a venue and let her know the details she will handle whatever I need. I feel she was sincere but my FH and his family are offended and want me to tear up the check and tell mom no thanks. I’m not sure what to do. Why is this so hard?
Post # 2
Wait, why are his family offended and telling you to tear up your mom’s check? Do his parents not like your mom? Why are you having to even choose sides?
It actually sounds like your mom is handling the situation pretty well, you graduated high school only last year and then just never came home from a vacation? Now you’re getting married? Do you live with this guy’s family?
You need to include more info in your post but your boyfriend’s parents sound very selfish by claiming that there is no way they could take a single day off work to attend their son’s wedding in your home town. Since you now live in the town your Boyfriend or Best Friend is from it is completely reasonable to want to hold the wedding in your hometown.
Post # 3
We are missing a lot of details here.
Post # 4
There’s not really enough details here but their jobs cannot be SOOOO important as to miss their son’s wedding day. Also your mother sent 10,000 that’s a big amount and a lovely letter to send, them telling you to tear it up is wrong.
Can you not have a venue that neither side have picked that’s half way in between both sets of parents. That way nobody ‘wins’ or ‘loses’ it’s just fair?
Even fairer, no one pays any money and you both pay yourselves (if that’s financially available). If not then take the money from your mum but make it clear its your choice of venue so there’s no conflict.
We need more details to go on really from his parents side? What makes their jobs so important? Why are they not putting money towards it? What are their attitudes to your parents? Etc
Post # 5
This sounds crazy. We’re missing something. Why would his parents be offended? Usually the bride’s parents pay anyway.
I don’t get it.
Post # 6
There has to be a lot of information missing. You fell in love with her brother and just never went back home and you’re what 18? Maybe 19 now?
Why is his family offended that your mother supports you. That’s very strange.
Post # 7
Well, his dad is CEO of his own company. I kind of feel like he could leave for a wedding, also, but my FH doesn’t like conflict and doesn’t want to make a big deal. They get offended because in the letter my mom stated that she really wanted to be a part of planning but she didn’t feel like she could afford the many trips it may take to be there for all the planning. They think this was a slur to them because they said they can’t come to my home. The venue his family has chosen is beautiful, but I always wanted a church wedding. My mom said in the letter not to let anyone decide for me. I should never have let my Boyfriend or Best Friend read it I guess and all feelings would have been saved.
Post # 8
They feel the check is an insult. You know, like she’s saying here take this and just let me know where to be. Like maybe she is being a jerk. I feel like they are overreacting but I don’t know how to tell them. My mom would understand if I gave the check back I think
Post # 9
futuremsjames : Your future inlaws sound incredibly controlling. Why are they deciding where your wedding is being held?
If you don’t stand up for yourself and your family you are going to be railroaded by these people through your entire marriage.
You should actually be pissed off at your fiance in all this, he is allowing his family to cause a rift between you and your mom for absolutely no reason. Was your fiance the one to rely the information in your private letter from your mother to his parents?
Post # 10
It’s not up to them. Your money is giving to her daughters wedding as is her right to do.
Stop telling them anything to do with your mothers money, pick a venue that makes YOU happy, if that means not taking their money and they want to be petty and not show up for their sons wedding, that’s their problem. You are being steam rolled. Put your foot down now or it will be like this the rest of your life.
Post # 11
This is all so strange. Why are you getting married so soon? You’ve only known each other for a year! Do you live with FH’s family? Why can’t you wait a little while longer? Why is his family so controlling? Are you sure you want to be with people who will always steamroll you? It’s your wedding. So do what you want. CEO’s have the most power in a company and can leave for a wedding, their son’s wedding especially. So have the wedding at your dad’s church. Don’t be pushed around. If you let them push you around, you will be miserable for your whole life. Also your FH should be on your side and should stand up to his family. If he can’t do that, he won’t be a good husband. Premarital counseling is a must for you two.
Post # 12
There are sooo many red flags here. Your Future In-Laws sound insanely controlling and like they want to turn you against your family. That you think any of their behavior/implications are ok makes me think that you need some more life experience before getting married, cause them being offended makes absolutely zero sense to any sane person. Also, your Fiance not liking conflict and being willing to let his parents call the shots is a terrible sign – just read any of the (many) threads on the Bee about women having everything controlled for them by ILs with no boundaries and partners with no spines. Take it from a 40yo woman who’s been in love more than a few times – love, in and of itself, is neither rare nor enough for a marriage. Compatibility, respect, good communication – those coupled with love are rare and special and necessary for a healthy relationship and marriage.
Post # 13
His parents sound very controlling. Please don’t let them be unkind to your mother, that’s not right. She is your mother!
Post # 14
This sounds like a whole lot of fuckery… even without the additional details I crave I can confidently say that you need to re-evaluate this entire scenario.
You’re still a teenager FFS. Have you considered not getting married just yet? What’s the rush?
His family sounds completely ridiculous on several fronts. Apparently their sons wedding isn’t important enough for them to take a couple of days away from their “super important” work? Yet, the wedding IS important enough to them that it must be done exactly the way they want it and your mother is wrong for wanting to help pay for it and be part of the planning?
Marrying this guy at this juncture in your life and allowing his family to dictate how you do things and to cause a rift with your own mother is insane.
Also, am I understanding correctly that you moved away unceremoniously and haven’t even seen your parents since you graduated? They haven’t even met the guy you’re marrying or his family? And are somehow OK with all this?
Post # 15
His parents are out of line. So you’re supposed to just ignore your own mom? Also the “very important jobs” part reads very snobbish to me. No one is so important that others must run around their schedules. Presumably if they are that important they have control over their own schedules so this is BS to me. Unless they are an on call surgeon. And even then there are other surgeons to cover if you know when long enough in advance. Unless it’s so specialized that 2 people in the world can do it.
But that’s very unlikely. What’s more likely is your future in laws have an inflated sense of self importance.