Choosing sides

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
7854 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Your mother sounds wonderfully sane, understanding, caring and generous. Your future inlaws sound a bit frightening. 

Post # 17
Member
7899 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Wait, so you’re 19 and have been living with his parents?  Or did he have his own apartment? Either way, he apparently isn’t mature enough to make his own decisions.

I say pay for your own wedding in the place you both want and don’t take anyone else’s money or suggestions. But to be rude to your mum when she’s been incredibly understanding  (vs the incredibly controlling ILs) shouldn’t be an option. 

Post # 18
Member
7989 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Your Future In-Laws sound like total snobs, and your Fiance won’t stand up to them. Do you really want a life time of them controlling everything you guys do? You and your Fiance need to get on the same page. I highly doubt your Future In-Laws job is so important he can’t get a single day off for his own son’s wedding. This post makes me so mad for you OP lol. 

Post # 19
Member
10009 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Why would your inlaws be deciding your venue???

Also she didn’t give the check to them, she gave it to YOU. Why is it even any of their fucking business? Spend it on whatever you want and thank your mother profusely for the gift.

This whole situation sounds extremely unhealthy.

Post # 21
Member
396 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
futuremsjames :  You really need to be on the same page as FH before you marry. DO NOT MARRY unless you’ve discussed where you and him stand in regards to your families. It sounds like he will go along with whatever his parents want, giving them an awful lot of control over your lives and future. Do not tear up your mother’s cheque. It was a lovely gesture and she is obviously supportive of you. His family on the other hand… they seem very questionable. I worry because you’re young there is more manipulation going on here than you might be aware of. Be cautious. 

 

Post # 22
Member
3083 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
futuremsjames :  Your family sounds really nice and understanding. 

 

Obviously i dont know them, but unless they are meana nd controlling/abusive, you need to wake up before you lose them. You are throwing away the people who have loved and cared for you and still support you (finding the new apartment even though YOU NEVER CAME HOME FROM VACATION!!!???!!) Any family would be upset…normal people dont just jet off and never come home because they fall in love. 

Your family is handling it well and yoru Fiance family sounds bitter and controlling. They are the only ones making you pick sides, your family isn’t. 

I dont know what to do here, but i know what not to do and that is exclude your family. I think you should plan something when both sides can make it. 

Post # 23
Member
9939 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
futuremsjames :  It seems to me that a check for $10,000 towards your wedding and the understanding letter she wrote to you is proof positive your Mom is on your side, loves you and only wants what is best for you.  Your future in-laws sound rude, cold and entitled.  You aren’t their property or their son’s property.  You’re a woman with a family of origin of your own.  If they treat your family like this now be aware of how you may be treated by them in the future.  

Post # 24
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Are you and your boyfriend self sufficient? Or full-time students? Why not date for a few years? Working for his parents should not be a career prospect for either of you. 

I think your parents are just trying to make you happy and have what little bit of a relationship with you that you (read:his parents) allow them. His parents sound way too overbearing.

Post # 25
Member
5250 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

View original reply
futuremsjames :  His family feel like your family are trying to get between you and your boyfriend? That is insane. Your family have been more than accommodating considering you were an 18 year old who went on vacation and never came back.  It is actually alarming that his family got upset when your dad sorted you an apartment to live in.  How do you feel about his parents?  

Post # 26
Member
428 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
psyche1978 :  

I agree. Love is never enough. 

OP, please think twice about marrying into this family. 

Post # 27
Member
2971 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I’m curious… did his parents encourage the engagement before it happened?

You are very young, and I assume your FH is too (how old is he?).

If they were upset that you moved out of  their home and into your own apartment, while also encouraing their son to lock you down in marriage, that comes off as really fucked up to me, especially now that they’re actively trying to cause a rift between you and your parents. Why are they so intent on “having” you? Perhaps they have a perfect little vision for their sons life and you are merely an accessory to that vision…

I’m dead serious. This is creepy and weird.

Post # 28
Member
93 posts
Worker bee

Why do you share your personal correspondence with your mother with your boyfriend’s parents?

This all sounds incredibly unhealthy.

If your future husbannd will not stand with you and stand up to his parents then he is not ready to be married to you.

Why do you need to be married right away?  This is what you are signing up for – a life where you never come first, a life where his parents control everything you do.  Is that what you want?  

Post # 29
Member
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Why do you want to get married so soon?

Post # 30
Member
1381 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

So you’re a year out of high school, either 18 or 19. Been dating this guy for 1 year, more or less. And you plan to get married to him, relatively soon?

 

Oh. Sounds like a wonderful plan *sarcasm*

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