Choosing sides

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 46
67 posts
Worker bee

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futuremsjames :  your poor mother! She is the real victim here. What exactly does she have to apologise for? The fact that she wasn’t thrilled about her 18 year old child never returning from a holiday because she fell in love with a boy and decided to marry him a year later? Your in laws sound extremely controlling and manipulative. You have been brainwashed into thinking your mother is the villain. I hope you snap out of it one day…

Post # 47
560 posts
Busy bee

His family sounds controlling and he sounds like someone will always take their side to avoid conflict and who won’t stand up for you. Run!!

Post # 48
395 posts
Helper bee

I will say the same thing others have said! It sounds like your mom is being supportive the best way she knows how.

It sounds like your future in laws are trying to take you in and encouraging you to see your mom/family less and do everything their way. I’m sure they are perfectly nice to you but they are being disrespectful to your mom. There is no reason for you to pick sides, all you have to do is maintain your relationship with your mom, which it sounds like you may have to be assertive/stand up to your “new family” to do.

I would be hurt if I were your mom honestly (the phone thing may not seem like a big deal but that really rubs me the wrong way). to answer your question I would take the money from your mom but only if you really make an effort to involve her (wedding planning, dress shopping, etc). I’d also really think about what you and your Fiancé want out of your wedding. Your Mother-In-Law should not be choosing your venue …. don’t you think it would be a lot more meaningful to have your dad marry you (assuming he would since he’s a pastor), since you say you want a church wedding anyway? 

 It sounds like your mom is pretty awesome for still supporting you by getting you an apartment, coming to visit you frequently, etc and I think you will look back and realize this eventually.  


Post # 49
1858 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Umm your parents won’t let their 16 year old come alone, 9 hours away? Well, yeah, he is a CHILD. And look what happened the last time this family sunk their claws into a child of theirs. 

This isn’t going to turn out well for you, sorry. 

Post # 50
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

If I chose a partner right out of high school I would be well and truly screwed now. I did so much growing in the years after high school, as everybody does. I, too, have always been mature for my age, but that doesn’t mean you don’t change as you actually enter adulthood, as being out of high school doesn’t mean you are actually an adult. You mom sees that, and she wants to make sure you have somewhere to land when this all blows up in your face. You are young. What is the harm is waitng to get married a few years?

Post # 51
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I mean, I really don’t need to repeat what all the other bees have said but I agree with it all. Also, you say you’re mature for your age but your last response trying to show us how bad your mom is speaks otherwise. She’s just trying to manage a difficult situation the best way. Try and be a bit more empathetic. 

All other problems aside, it sounds like you’re being set up to be 100% dependant on your Fiance and his family. If I were your mother, I would also be alarmed by this.

Do you need to get married now? Do you have to accept a job at the in-law’s company? Could you have a long engagement instead and go off to college? If your boyfriend and his family are amazing and really want the best for you then they’d embrace this idea.

Post # 52
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I doubt OP will come back as we are not validating her choices but anyway here is my 2 penneth.

I met my husband at 19 so I do believe you can meet your life partner at a young age. HOWEVER, we did not marry until 27 because we wanted to finish university first and grow up a bit. The growing up part is really important. Sometimes you grow together, sometimes you don’t and sadly until you do it you won’t know which one your relationship will be.

That said, I did not up sticks and move 9 hours away from my parents never to return home again to be with him….

It sounds like you have got yourself into a bad situation bee. Your new in laws are, for some unknown reason, trying to separate you from your family. Perhaps they have this view that their son should be married and settled before he takes on his inheritance and that you seem like a perfect victim IDK.

Your mother is trying to stay in your life as best she can because she knows this will blow up in your face one day and as your mother she wants to be there to pick you up, take you home and help you move on. Your new in laws know this and therefore want to put a wedge between you so you don’t have the strength to leave when you need to.

You say they come to see you every month, but have you been home at all in this time? If not why now? You had a return ticket, they could obviously afford the flight for you if you can’t …

I think you need to go home. If this man really is for you, he will wait for you and allow you to get an education.

What I suspect will happen is that you will marry him, then get pregnant, then again and again, then be stuck at home with nothing to do and no friends and no way home.

Post # 53
4386 posts
Honey bee

Thinking you need a local cell number shows how much you don’t know about the world. (Unless you koved out of the country, which I don’t think you did.)

Please continue to live on your own (paying ALL your own bills) for a few years before you marry your fiance. You will change so much in the next few years. If you two grow together, fantastic. If not, then you both move on with your lives without the trauma of a divorce.

Post # 54
7784 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Half the people I know have a cell phone number with an area code from a different state–who told you that you needed to get a different phone number, your FFIL? It’s just not true. 

You aren’t listening to us, Bee. I thought I was really mature and worldly at your age, too, and plenty of people told me the same. And I look back now and laugh. Do NOT plan a future based upon your FI’s inheritance. The two of you need to learn how to live like adults, support yourselves, make decisions on your own. Get an education. 

I hope one day you realize how incredibly fortunate you are to have such a supportive family. For now please try to treat them with more respect than you are and take a step back and try to evaluate your FILs’ advice with the grain of salt it screams for. There is absolutely no reason to be rushing into marriage–so why are you? 

Post # 55
207 posts
Helper bee

Hey bee, I hope you do come back to visit despite the negative feedback you’ve recieved. I don’t think the bees answering are being as harsh as others have been to young bees getting married. 

I am 21 and married… I would not have been ready to marry only being with my husband for a year and at the age of 18 (especially without my mom and dad there to support me). I think it’s perfectly fine to marry young, even your age… but no under your circumstances. 

I agree with PPs, that some of the information you have given us seems like you are being controlled into alienating your parents. Meanwhile, your parents are being supportive and loving. Some bees are getting hung up on this part. Your parents being supportive, despite your age and the way you left. They are somewhat idolizing them, but we don’t know what your home life was like and we don’t know the true relationship between you and your parents or what their expectations were for your life after you graduated high school. Every family and every individual is different in their wants and needs. You are no different. 

So, for bees to basing MOST (not all) of their advice on the way you left and age… isn’t fair. We are missing far too much to give you sound advice. Also, people saying that 18 year olds are not adults is rather silly. If 18 year olds are grown enough to make the decision to put theur life on the line and fight for everyone else’s  freedoms and no one bats an eye, then 18 is surely old enough to decide if you should get married. There are many hypocrisies in this world. 

Bee, if you come back can you give us a little more information on why and who is making choose sides. I mean clear, consise information that got you to this situation. It’s impossible to give you useful information without more background. 

Post # 56
3244 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

View original reply
futuremsjames :  Did your mother ever give you a reason to mistrust her or her judgment before she took an instant disliking to your FFIL? For me personally, if my mother took an instant disliking to someone I would put some stock in that… perhaps she knows something you don’t, or perhaps it’s mothers intuition… but if up until that point she had consistently decent judgment I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss her feelings about him.

Honestly, every update you make trying to convince us all that we’re just not seeing how your mother is causing the issues and your Future In-Laws are good people have the complete opposite effect. The Future In-Laws sound creepier and creepier with every update and your mom sounds more and more reasonable and scared.

If your Future In-Laws truly to love and care about you, they will not hold it against you if you say you want to wait a few more years to get married and you’d rather live on your own and pay your own bills in the meantime. I sincerely hope that you do that. You’re getting sucked into an unhealthy situation and everyone here is worried about you… we’re not trying to be mean or dismissive.

Post # 57
347 posts
Helper bee

You should never marry someone who is afraid to stand up to his parents. You are setting yourself up for a life of unhappiness.

I recommend that you live on your own for a year or two, pay all your own bills, get a job or further your education, and then decide if this is the life you want. 


Post # 58
1721 posts
Bumble bee

Yeah everything your mom is doing makes total sense. I am 34 and if I pulled what you did my mom would sure come to find me and talk sense into me too and im 34! She loves you and is really wanting to make sure you are making a good decision. YOu might feel mature for your age, Hell you might actually be super mature for your age. But you are still VERY young and It wouldn’t hurt ANYTHING to take a bit more time, or to be kinder to your mom about having her daugher just up and leave. 

Just take a step back and relax. You don’t have to rush anything. You have plenty of time here. Your mom has behaved quite well under the circumstances. She even gave you $10,000 towards your wedding!! She is trying hard, just give her the courtesy of hearing her out and standing up for her to your FH parents. 

Your FH’s parents should be totally understanding of what your mom is going through. The fact that they are being jerks and getting offended by your mom is a HUGE red flag. Nice, well meaning people do not get all offended and controlling of a future daughter in law because their mom has a few concerns. They should back off her. The fact that they are talking bad about your mom shows how little they respect you. 

YOU should be concerned his parents are controlling. 

YOU should have your mom’s back with them. 

Your FH’s family should be understanding and loving and kind to your family because they care about YOU. Them being all crazy just shows you how much they don’t give a crap about you or your feelings. My parents would never behave how your FH’s family is behaving. It is immature, selfish, and gross. If I were you I would be VERY concerned about those people and what they have in store for you. 

THey don’t sound like they are from the US. They sound like the kind of people who think women are property. Be very careful of the choices you are making. And have some sympathy for your mom. 

Post # 59
455 posts
Helper bee

My first boyfriend proposed to me. We were both 18. My mother BEGGED me not to go through with it and I’m glad I listened. I was angry with my mom at first though. 

I’m sharing this because all of us think we are sooo mature when we’re young and we think we know everything. Later, you come to realize how inexperienced you were. 

Your mother is right. The fact that you cannot see that you are being manipulated shows that you still have so much maturing to do. I hope that you listen to your mother but I don’t think that you will. 

Post # 60
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

View original reply
lemonsandlife71 :  just because 18 is the arbitrary age at which the government says you now have autonomy does not mean your brain has developed. Science has shown us that the brain continues to develop to the 24-25 year mark. Adulthood is so much more than reaching a number of years on the planet. One can choose to get married at 18-19, but that doesn’t mean that person has reached adulthood, especially if said person is stilll depending on mom and dad to get an apartment or cell phone. 

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