(Closed) Choosing spouse with logic, not feelings

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
9104 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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anonymous65 :  I don’t relate to the situation personally, but don’t think that’s necessary in order to be supportive. It doesn’t sound like you’re leading your partner on or being dishonest so I don’t see anything wrong with your relationship. If both of you are happy and fulfilled, more power to you. Best wishes.

Post # 3
Member
1467 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

It sounds like you’ve decided on a kind, compassionate, compatible partnership.  Good for you! 

FWIW, my some of friends in the happiest relationships started with lists of what they wanted in a partner and only dated people who met those criteria. OH met all the tick boxes, too.

 

Post # 4
Member
2121 posts
Buzzing bee

I mean, I was pretty damn lusty for my DH when I first met him, but I also was able to understand that he is a kind, honest, loyal man who worked hard and had lots of drive. He was mature for his age, and had his shit together. 

It sounds like you love your man, rather than lust. Personally I think that’s great to not be tripping over yourself to have some guy who is never going to grow up and be a real partner. 

Post # 7
Member
2662 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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anonymous65 :  Please do not concern yourself with commonplace stereotypes. There have always been people who do not conform to the ‘ideal’ of head over heels in love. I too, am one of them. I have Asperger’s Syndrome (high-functioning) so my relationship with DH is not built on me feeling butterflies. I care for him deeply but he’s also a logical choice. He is aware of my thoughts and is not offended. He is a ‘feeler’ so he can occasionally be hurt but not deeply – I have always been open and honest with him.

I think so long as you and your partner are upfront with one another about what you hope from the relationship, and where you see yourselves going ‘romantically’ in the future then there can be no misleading. There are plenty of people who don’t fit into gender-normative roles, or are on the autistic spectrum, or people who are Ace, or trans and so on, and they are equally deserving of a committed relationship. It just is less likely to be represented in mainstream media. So do right by yourself and your partner as that is all that truly matters.

Post # 8
Member
2121 posts
Buzzing bee

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anonymous65 :  I totally agree. I mean, it’s lovely to get butterflies as soon as you see him, but that doesn’t last. The only other bf I ever had was like that. My stomach would do flips when I saw him, and OMG his smell had my head spinning it was amazing. I loved that feeling, but it would never have lasted as a real, adult relationship. I didn’t get that with my DH, it was just a deeper feeling of compatability and “knowing”. 

Post # 9
Member
769 posts
Busy bee

I think this is a wonderful post because it illustrates that there isn’t one way to live, or have a successful relationship. My fiancé is also demisexual so I can relate to some of what you said. We met online and I had some very firm criteria in place for the type of person I was after. When I was younger I was definitely less interested in the “nice” qualities of a person – in fact I significantly undervalued them. As I got older and wiser I realised the type of person I needed and so became more selective. My partner is very trustworthy, honest, and genuine. He’s not particularly conventional. I love him to pieces. 

So yeah, good for you. Enjoy your relationship. 🙂 

Post # 11
Member
1179 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

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anonymous65 :  I too picked my husband for the same reasons- I wanted someone with whom I could have a friendship first and foremost, someone intelligent, funny, loyal, trustworthy, who supported me and let me be myself. And guess what? I have never been happier, more content, more loved. There has never been the butterflies in the stomach feeling but I wouldn’t change anything that I have or that we have built together. 

Post # 12
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee

i married my husband because we have similiar life plans and priorities. he is kind to me and hardworking, loves his family and seeks to be a positive force in the world. i am not passionately in love with him, though i have been with others in the past. for me, the emotional risk in that type of relationship was too great so i intentionally saught a more practical partnership. i admit to sometimes being a little jealous of the smooshy-lovey marriages my friends appear to have on instagram, but a fair share of them have since divorced so clearly appearance isn’t everything.  i don’t think it is fair to judge how anyone chooses their partner or runs their marriage. you do you. 🙂

Post # 13
Member
3825 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Honestly I think relationships like this are often more stable than ones than began with wild attraction and crazy love. At some point, staying with someone and caring about them is a decision you make rather than something inevitable that happens to you. You have just made that decision earlier than some. You knew what you were getting into. You considered everything and you committed – that’s not manipulative, it’s sensible. Your partner has qualities that are important to you, you care about them, and enjoy being intimate with them – even after thinking you were asexual! That sounds like a great basis for a relationship to me. Don’t worry if your relationship isn’t like a hollywood movie. Yours is real and happy, and that’s a better happily-ever-after than some passionate kiss and ride off into the sunset!

Post # 14
Member
534 posts
Busy bee

I can relate to this because this is how I feel too. My Fiance is a wonderful man, honest, hard-working, sweet and extremely caring. He loves me immensely and I don’t think that I can ever meet someone who would ever love and care for me as much as he does.

I have to admit it was not love at first sight for me. When we first met and began dating, he was the one who fell in love with me first and it took a very long time for me to tell him I love him. Even then, it’s never been the butterflies in your stomach kind of love. When I was in school, I had been in extremely strong one-sided crushes before, and then I couldn’t help thinking about the other person even though they never reciprocated my feelings. I thought, this is love. When you can’t stop thinking about the person or you felt like your life was slipping away if you didn’t see them.. But then I got into a real relationship with my Fiance and I realised love is much more than wild attraction and crazy Hollywood movies. It’s about caring for the other when one is sick, supporting each other in their hard times, being there for them.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m being manipulative by choosing Fiance to be my life partner or if it’s entirely for pragmatic reasons. I am attracted to him physically, but the main reason I chose him because he I think he will make a wonderful husband and father to our kids, I get along with his family, he is socially responsible and because we want to have the same things in life. I am a person who craves stability. I think this is much more important for a relationship to last than crazy, uninhibited passion which is likely to fizzle out more quickly.

Post # 15
Member
940 posts
Busy bee

It’s fine. Everyone is different. As long as you’re not doing them wrong in any way, and they love you the way you are, I think there is no reason to be feel bad over this.

Even though I DO have those “feelings” for my Fiance that you say you don’t really have/not a big part of your relationship, I am also very logical about what my future spouse should be like. I dated people using feelings (without much thought basically) before, and they didn’t work out for me either. The ex before I met my Fiance was a wonderful person and we were extremely intellectually compatible, but logically I could never marry him. Logically he would not be a good spouse due to a high number of logical reasons that I was able to list out, and I ended things over these reasons even though I still loved him at that time, as I would like marriage and kids in the future, and I didn’t want us to come to an obvious dead end years later.

Conversely while I did fall in love with my Fiance the “normal” way, he just so happened to “tick all the boxes” as well, which is also why I later chose him as my spouse. 

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