(Closed) Choosing the Right Man

• MissNoodles
• 9 years ago

• Wedding: September 2011

I think the reason it only comes up right before the wedding is likely that these guys aren’t going to strip clubs on a regular basis, but it is fairly common for the bachelor party.  Your mate can to surprise you at any point during a relatinship… it’s one of the best and worst things about building a life with someone else.

Also, let’s not forget about the tremendous peer pressure these guys get to have a “wild” bachelor night, and also that they’re typically not the ones planning the events, and that they’re going to catch flack for resisting their friend’s plans.

• KatNYC2011
• 9 years ago

• Wedding: September 2011

DH and I were definitely on the same page about all of this stuff well before we got engaged. I actually encouraged him to go to a strip club for his bachelor party because he was 27 and had never been to one!

I can see though if strip clubs have never come up (i.e. the man has never gone/the woman has never asked about it) then the bachelor party would be the time that this conversation would come up.

 

• ltcolumbo
• 9 years ago

• Wedding: November 1999

Without getting into any discussions about strip clubs (that wasn’t your point) I will say that I agree with you on your core message – you should know the man you are marrying before the bachelor party, and boundaries should already be set well, well before even engagement.

 

• MrsWrangler
• 9 years ago

• Wedding: September 2010

Often, men do not need to be “all about strip clubs and having a wild time on the bachelor party” to have this issue come up. I for one didn’t talk to my husband about wedding-related events much pre-engagement (although we obviously talked about marriage, our core values, and what that means to us individually and as a couple). In other instances, the fiance’s friends will organize a strip club event that the man wouldn’t have chosen for himself but then gets excited about, bringing it to the forefront of the couple’s attention. There are a lot of different variations on how men and women see strip clubs – some are enthusiastic, some are ok with it, some have ground rules, some don’t care for it whatsoever – and the bachelor party is often the first time the issue needs to be addressed anyway. If everything else is lining up re: core values, morals, etc, who cares if engaged couples have to work through this at the last moment? If the couple can work through it with both sides open to state their honest opinion and can reach an agreement, then more power to them.

• lovekiss
• 9 years ago

• Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I definitely see your point. By the time Mr. Lk and I got engaged, I could fairly accurately predict his response to situations either because we’d already been through them, discussed them in theory, or I knew where his core values stood. And I also agree that many times on the Bee and in regular every day life I see people trying to make their partner fit the vision of who they want him or her to be, rather than accepting their partner for whomever they already are. Often people seem to have blinders on to core differences/flaws in their partner that negatively affect their relationship, or they think that the partner will change in fundamental ways once they become engaged/get married/have kids.

I’ll be honest in that I now generally avoid the strip club threads because they tend to be driven by insecurity, whether warranted or not. My impulse is to tell the posters that they should not be marrying a man that they clearly do not trust, but that does not seem to be advice that is well received. So why bother?

Edit: The other thing that I noticed about those threads is that many women appear to make assumptions about what they think a strip club is and what they think goes on in one. I think many women would feel a lot more comfortable if they stopped making assumptions and actually went to a strip club. The strippers are not all drop dead gorgeous, they don’t throw themselves on you, there aren’t secret hand jobs going on behind every door, etc. And your partner is not going to come home and fantasize about some other female. Why would he think about he when he has his lady right there, in the flesh, to love him? Seriously?!?! In this case, a lack of first hand knowledge often breeds unnecessary fear and anxiety.

• vmec
• 9 years ago

• Wedding: May 2012

Id made myself abundently clear on the issue when we had the “boundries” talk. What’s cheating what isn’t kinda idea. So yes, I completely agree.

• sweetchiquita12
• 9 years ago

I toally agree with you @HereWeGo Me and my fiance have talked about these things and I know he is not interested in going to a strip club for his bachelorette and even if he did its not like he is going to run away with one of them. If this is the person you are going to marry there should be trust in your relationship to know that they would never do something like that. The only thing that worries me about the bachelor party is the drinking part (i’m not a drinker at all) but I know people can do some silly thing when they are drunk (the groomsmen) and could even get really sick.

• Sunfire
• 9 years ago

• Wedding: September 2012

I agree with your point, that these things should be known before even getting to the engaged stage of a relationship.  Each person has a right to feel how they feel and also to do what they really want to do.  And, to me, if you really are in love with someone the last thing you would ever want to do would be to hurt them.  I’ve thought a lot about this and tried to look at it from the perspective of – how would I feel if Fiance told me it upset and hurt him for me to go to the gym, for example?  Would I still go?  Probably, but I would definitely take his feelings into consideration, even over something like going to the gym. 

We definitely trust each other or we wouldn’t be together, let alone getting married.  So, it’s not a matter of trust.  I trust my Fiance with my life and I believe deeply that he would never cheat on me, no matter what.  Still, I would feel creepy if he wanted to go to a strip club.  I don’t know how he would feel if I wanted to go, because it has never come up.  (Maybe I’ll ask him, lol).  Maybe the difference is because strip clubs are sexual in nature.  And it makes me feel sick to my stomach at the thought my Fiance would be sexually aroused by looking at another naked woman, regardless of the circumstances.  That said, we have occasionally watched porn together and we’re both fine with it, because we’re together and it’s a shared experience.  Neither of us watches it without the other (at least, not to my knowledge).  I think the strip club thing is just because of the sexual element involved and not a lack of trust. 

My Fiance trusts me completely, also, but he got pretty steamed one night  not long ago when we were out at a bar – he’d gone to the restroom and came back to see a guy (very drunk guy) hitting on me, trying to hug me and get me to dance with him.  I was telling him, “NO, leave me alone,” and Fiance walked up; luckily the guy walked away.  But Fiance was not happy about it and we left not long after.  He wasn’t mad at me at all, because he saw the whole thing. 

Maybe that’s a way to look at it, that when you are in love you don’t want anyone else to even get near imposing on that precious and intimate bond – at least that’s the way I feel about the whole subject.  So, in that way we are possessive over each other, I suppose you could say.  We are madly, passionately in love with each other. 

Honestly, with my ex-husband, I could not have cared less what he did, he could have gone to strip clubs or whatever and it wouldn’t have bothered me.  Because we had a passionless relationship anyway.  My relationship with Fiance is completely different.

• Steampunk Angel
• 9 years ago

• Wedding: September 2012

I agree, I ask a lot of questions because I’m naturally curious anyway and my fiance (then boyfriend) is my favorite subject to learn about ;D  Although I told the best man already it’s ok to get a stripper for him because I know it will embarrass the hell out of him and he might as well get a lapdance so that when midlife crisis comes around he won’t feel as though he missed out LOL  In VA though you can’t touch them and they can’t do too much touching to you, and I know my fiance well enough to know he won’t do anythign inappropriate :3  As far as the groomsmen, I don’t care what they do since they aren’t mine lol

 

Also its sort of says something when a man is tested, tempted by some half naked hussy dancing over him, and he can not want her and want you instead.  I believe love under trial is stronger than if it has never been tested.  I trust him completely and I know that no amount of half naked dancing from another woman would make him stray, he will always come back to me.  And I am the same way with him <3

• MapleMoose
• 9 years ago

• Wedding: August 1900

@KatNYC2011:  I actually encouraged him to go to a strip club for his bachelor party because he was 27 and had never been to one!      <—-  Same here!

• Beautiful-Bluegrass
• 9 years ago

• Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings

Thank you for posting this HereWeGo:!!!! Im primarily on the Waiting board and am constanty coming across posts from women who want/ hope their man changes or are dating men their shoudnt be wasting their time on. Men tend to be very straight forward and easy to figure out. Are these women purposefully not having certain discussions because they so desperately want to get engaged and married?

Im a bit confused how strip clubs or how each party defines cheating DOESNT come up. Those talks are part of dating and assessing whether someone is right for you. Again, that is part of dating. At the very least it would come up when a friend or family member gets married and your bf will be attending a bachelor party.

In all honesty I feel like people no longer know how to date or how to find a mate who complements them. Ask someone in the 60-80 age bracket how many people they ‘dated’ when looking for a mate, and at what point they became exclusive, then ask someone in the 20-35 age bracket the same questions. Blind dates used to be the norm, as were church/ community functions just for single people. Now we have a crush on someone or go on 2 dates and stop looking around. I find it odd and think it leads to nasty surprises and relationships that never should have progressed past a certain point. 

• Sunfire
• 9 years ago

• Wedding: September 2012

@Steampunk Angel:  I trust my Fiance completely.  I wouldn’t want some half-naked woman hanging all over him, though, yuck.  But, if he wanted to go to a strip club and did so even if I was unhappy about it (which he wouldn’t) then I would get over it, and not make too big a deal of it.  Because I do trust him, love him and want to be with him more than I care about whether he goes to a strip club or not.  I feel fortunate this is a non-issue in my relationship, but I have compassion for the women who could be potentially hurt and upset if it is an issue in theirs.

• Steampunk Angel
• 9 years ago

• Wedding: September 2012

@Sunfire:  Yeah, I’m not saying what everyone else should do, that’s just my views on it.  I totally get why some women have it as an absolute NO.  When I was younger I was dead set against it, but now with my fiance we pretty much look at it as something to laugh about with each other later, because we are both shy about that sort of thing and it’s going to be hilarious to find out how embarrassed the other one was XD

• Sunfire
• 9 years ago

• Wedding: September 2012

@Steampunk Angel:  Haha!  That’s awesome!    You’re right, it’s whatever works for each couple as long as each agree and treat each other with love and respect.