Post # 1
Bit of background. Fiance and I have been together 10 years and we’re now 27. We’ve lived together for 7 years, owned a house and a lovely dog for 2 years, and have already joint our finances. Felt too young to marry before but we’re now at an age where all of our friends (including those who have been together as long as we have) are starting to get engaged and married. Been to a few weddings and decided it wasn’t us – we’d like something low key but special at the same time. Considering we already feel committed to each other and are planning to start TTC in a few months, we’ve started leaning towards the idea of having babies before marriage. Fiance wants to get married so I can take his name, but neither of us are particularly fussed about when exactly we get married. We’ve started thinking it’d be nice to have our kids with us when we celebrate us and our family.
Did you deliberately choose to have babies before marriage? Any regrets? Would you have preferred the intimacy of a marriage with just the two of you, or did you love having your kids with you?
Post # 2
You know you can change your name to his without getting married as well, if that’s the only reason.
As for having kids before marriage, at least in Scandinavia it’s very common.
Post # 3
I don’t mind having kids before marriage but wanting to have the kids at the wedding wouldn’t be a good reason IMO. You won’t be able to enjoy the day, the wedding night, or go on a honeymoon with a baby (not a carefree one anyway). Nor would a child enjoy, appreciate or remember the celebration until they are age five or older.
A wedding is nice but it’s just a day, not worth putting off like that.
If you want something small anyway why not just plan something for a few months from now. If you aren’t even going to start TTC for a few months, the baby won’t be here for at least 12-18 months. Which is more than enough time to have any wedding you want.
Post # 4
We had our son before getting married. He was just over 1 year old at our wedding. While it was fun having him there I wouldn’t have that be your reason for starting a family before getting married. It was actually a bit stressful because the day of the wedding while I’m preoccupied with getting ready and pictures we had to hire someone to be with our son all day and make sure he got to the venue at the right time. Then he had to be taken back to the hotel after dinner to go to bed (babysitter did that). So it adds a whole component to the day that can be a little stress provoking (especially if you kid ends up being the needy, clingy type).
Post # 5
I am child free by choice but I see no problem if anyone wants to have kids before they get married. I will say though my immediate thought when I read your post was the numerous bees that have posted “we’ve been together x years, have kids and a life together but he’s dragging his feet on marriage.”
I am not saying that having kids before marriage causes these issues but it’s enough to give me pause. I think it’s quite common for people to have children and then get married, there are people that are perfectly happy as a family without marriage. Just make sure you and your Fiance are 100% on the same page about your future. Good luck!
Post # 6
FWIW if you’d want something low key you could get married at a courthouse then have a dinner with your close family friends. I had a friend do this and it was really nice. They spent under $4,000 total and that was mostly for paying for dinner/drinks for 20 people and her dress. The restaurant she chose was super cute so no decorations were needed.
There is nothing wrong with starting a family before getting married. Some people never feel the need to get married! Do whatever you’d like but IMO planning/paying for a wedding seems like ti would be harder with little ones around.
Post # 7
Marriage before babies was my preferred order. I wanted the legal protection of marriage before we start our family (yes, a lawyer could accomplish the same with health care proxies, wills, etc). I also didn’t want to buy a home together before marriage. If a big wedding isn’t your thing, there’s always city hall. Or just have a health care proxy and will drawn up and make each other beneficiaries of insurance policies and retirement accounts.
Post # 8
My fiance’ and I have been together for two years. He wants us to be marriage before we have kids and I feel the same way. Not that we are against having kids before marriage. We just preferred to be married before we have any kids.
Post # 9
I wouldn’t do it. I would rather a husband than just a boyfriend-baby daddy. But that’s me, you do you.
Post # 10
My parents had many close friends/family members while I was growing up who were long term partners but had decided that marraige wasn’t a necessity for them. They loved eachother, had a family together and were clearly commited, most had been together for over 25 years. A wedding wasn’t important to them, it was the commitment they made to spend their lives together. Best wishes!
Post # 11
I have always wanted to wait to have kids until after marriage. I think its the commitment thing for me, I want to be married, fully committed before bringing kids into the mix. We also want to wait a year or so before TTC, because we want to just be married first, but also want to have kids before we turn 30.
Post # 12
- Wedding: December 2017 - Lake Louise Canada
We just attended a wedding where the couple’s daughter was around 1yo. She was a bit…grumpy to put it nicely so we couldn’t hear most of the ceremony. I think being a young mother of a screaming infant made our friend worry about the baby a little more, rather than enjoying herself. If the kids were old enough to understand what was going on, that might be a little easier.
Post # 13
I’m not sure which state you live in, but in my state, children born to married parents are afforded certain assumptions/protections under the law that children born to unmarried parents are not when it comes to things like health care, custody, and inheritances. No one wants to think about things like “what if we split up?” or “what if I die earlier than expected?” but it is the right thing to do for your family to plan for these things before they become a problem. You can accomplish most of those things contractually without marriage, but being married does make it easier (and a marriage license is cheaper than the legal fees to draw up those contracts!). If I had a choice, I would choose to be married before having children for those reasons.
Post # 14
We got married with no kids of our own. My husband has a 6 year old son. This year will be our 2 year anniversary and still no kids. I’m happy we waited. We are going to TTC next year 2018.
Post # 15
We had one child before marriage and having the next after being married for a three years. It’s never a bad thing. our child from before marriage still has his last name and I never once worried he woudn’t be there.