(Closed) Choosing to have babies before marriage

posted 4 years ago in Ceremony
  • poll: If you chose to have babies before marriage, were you happy with your choice?

    Wish we married before having kids

    No regrets - married after first baby

    Married after first baby - wish we waited to include the others

    No regrets - loved having all our kids there

  • Post # 16
    728 posts
    Busy bee

    I know marriage isn’t super important for some people but for me it is and I would never intentionally have a child with someone if I wasn’t/he wasn’t ready to make the commitment of marriage then I wouldn’t feel we were ready to make the even more so binding commitment of having a child together

    Post # 17
    234 posts
    Helper bee

    View original reply
    wrinkledbacon :  My comment will be coming from a completely different perspective- not only did my husband and I not have kids before we were married, but we didn’t sleep together before we were married to avoid the possibility of an “oops” baby. It’s not that I didn’t love my boyfriend/fiance and think he would be a great father, because I do, but I’m well aware that my life will change significantly after kids. Want to have a kid-free relaxing wedding/wedding day? Rethink it. Want to go on a honeymoon without worrying about a baby? Rethink it. Want to pay for a wedding without another huge financial responsibility? Rethink it.


    It’s your life and you do you- but to me, it was such an easy decision. I want to spend time with my husband before jumping into the next step of my life. I also wanted to prepare financially for several years after marriage before getting pregnant. Kids won’t even remember your wedding depending upon how old they are.

    Post # 18
    2942 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    As someone else mentioned, the basic presumptions of marriage under state law was very important for me prior to having kids.  Both in the case of separation or unexpected death.  Seen to many instances between DH and my careers of people having issues because they weren’t married when they too major life events together.  


    Post # 20
    555 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2017 - Lake Louise Canada

    View original reply
    wrinkledbacon :  I do believe they enjoyed cuddling her and sharing the special day with her, they got her a cute dress and all the relatives visited with her which was good. But there were a few times wedding-stuff had to be paused to take care of baby-stuff which is natural. Luckily both grandparents and great grandparents were there to help with diapers and carry her out of the ceremony when she got too stressed. Just some things to consider.

    Post # 21
    2167 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    You two sound committed for sure, so I don’t think you could go wrong either way. One thing to remember is having a wedding doesn’t make a marriage more worthy or less. If it isn’t for you then don’t worry, do what’s best for you as a couple. 

    Post # 22
    9934 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    As a mom to an 18 month old, I’d get married first. I’m really not a vain person, but pregnancy can really do a number on your body. Plus frankly, I don’t have time to plan a wedding of any size right now, and kids can be expensive (especially daycare!).

    Your kid probably isn’t going to remember your wedding unless you wait what…another 5 years to get married? I don’t see the point.

    Post # 23
    4226 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

    It wasn’t my choice, but I don’t see anything wrong with it ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 24
    4263 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2016 - Manhattan, NY

    View original reply
    wrinkledbacon :  Do what feels right! For me, doing things in a more traditional order (marriage then kids) was important to me because I was born out of wedlock and I never even saw my parents together as a couple. It wasn’t the best situation and it really affected me, so I want to ensure that my future children will be born into a loving and stable situation. Being happily married first makes me feel better about that. 

    I don’t think you need some big, expensive ceremony. Getting married can be a quick and simple process, a lot of people just choose to add on the extravagent parties and bells and whistles. My wedding reception was our immediate family and a few friends in a private room in a restaurant (15ish people) and it was so nice to sit around the table and talk to everyone. Best of luck!

    Post # 25
    10341 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    View original reply
    wrinkledbacon :  

    I  can’t see the point of deliberately choosing babies before marriage at all. I can see choosing never to get married, or having a baby  before marriage  kind of unplanned, but choosing babies-then- marriage  as  a preferred   option , nope,  makes no sense to me.

    Post # 26
    1219 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    View original reply
    elderbee :  this is exactly how I feel. I lived in France for a long time and I now watch one of the French wedding shows on a regular basis – the vast majority of the women on there already have kids and then want to get married to “cement” the relationship. Personally I’d rather it was strong enough before having a child – be that with a marriage or a mutual decision to have a kid but never get married. 

    Post # 27
    178 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    We are definitely getting married first. We aren’t even having sex until marriage lol. We are planning on waiting upwards of 10 years but will love our kids if we have a little surprise along the way ๐Ÿ˜‰
    We want our relationship to be very calm and stable, live in our own home (not an apartment), and both be completed with college- he’s going for a master’s and I haven’t started yet, leaning towards a specialized doctor. Having kids anytime before that would just be even more added stress, emotionally, financially, and physically ๐Ÿ˜‚

    Post # 28
    10385 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    It was important to us to get married before we had children. We’re not very traditional people but having children before marriage was never an option to us, and actually, probably helped to speed up the process of getting married. Early in our relationship we set the timeline we wanted to have our first child by 30 and then sort of worked backwards from there to get to when we should get engaged and married.

    I’m glad that we decided to wait because now that the wedding is over and we’re ready to start TTC I feel more grounded about it all. Its hard to describe it but at this point in my life it just feels like the right time and I feel a lot calmer about it. Sorta peaceful! I’m not sure I would feel as grounded if we had decided to do things in a different order.

    Post # 29
    2090 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    This is not my cup of tea. I was married before I had my son with my ex. I have no regrets about getting married, though. It was the right thing to do in my opinion. I have always believed that if I am worth having a child with, I am worth marrying. I have no desire to be a “baby mama” and not a wife. It is your choice, though. It just seems like if you can plan a pregnancy you can plan a wedding. You can have the simplest of wedding very quickly and super cheap. If you wait until after there are children, you will have more excuses/reasons as to why you can’t find the time to get married.

    Post # 30
    666 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    Having kids outside of marriage or before marriage is so common nowadays, in fact waiting to have them once you are married is UNcommon.

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