Choosing to live apart?

posted 1 week ago in Relationships
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  • Post # 16
    Member
    3066 posts
    Sugar bee

    Do what works for you! But I do think it’s a sign of an unhappy relationship. You’re saying you can’t tolerate that person enough to live with them. That’s problematic. Of course,  people in those relationships will never admit their true feelings about their partner. They’ll tell you they’re extremely happy and wouldn’t change a thing. Until one day they divorce and you find out the truth.

    Anyway, my point is get to the true bottom of why you want to live that way. You might end up realizing it’s not the best relationship for you.

    Post # 17
    Member
    2700 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

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    @two_pounds:  I wouldn’t have married my husband if I didn’t want to live with him. We’re four years into our relationship and three years into marriage, and I still would choose him and choose to marry him. I don’t think it’s done anything to diminish or shorten the honeymoon period. 

    Post # 18
    Member
    2764 posts
    Sugar bee

    To each their own–do what works for you! Personally as much as I loved living alone, living with my husband is very important to me. We do sometimes drive each other crazy, but part of what made me feel confident about marrying him was that we could live together in (at the time) a 400 sq ft apartment and not kill each other. And while living together in close quarters certainly eliminates some mystery, it ensured that we really knew each other’s habits, routines, and quirks. If we lived separately I can see positive sides of dressing up for each other and being more intentional about quality time, but I also think it would feel more formal. I like the comfort of being able to hang out at home doing our own things and not needing to impress each other, and I feel able to get plenty of downtime while being in the same house. There’s a quality of acceptance in choosing to live together that I think I’d struggle to feel if my partner were okay with living apart (for reasons other than work etc).

    Post # 19
    Member
    897 posts
    Busy bee

    I mean, I guess my husband and I sort of do by accident. I work in a different state so fly back and forth every week and keep a place in the state where I work. It goes well for us, but it helps that I’m o my fine during the semester.

    Post # 20
    Member
    505 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2015 - City, State

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    @obviousanonymous:  Newsflash: Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter are now divorced.  Perhaps them living together would have sped up the process because they would have actually had to grapple with their differences sooner.

    Post # 21
    Member
    281 posts
    Helper bee

    My husband & I don’t do this and I don’t think we would, but I could totally see this being a valid choice for some couples! I’m reading a book called “Mating in Captivity” right now by the couples’ therapist Esther Perel, and it’s all about how to reconcile the tension between our need for security, stability, and emotional intimacy in a long-term relationship with our desire for sexual intimacy and eroticism. The former is all about knowing your partner as deeply as possible and erasing the boundaries between you, while the latter requires a bit of mystery, a bit of separation, the excitement of a distance to cross. We tend to think that a good, loving relationship automatically equals a passionate sex life too and for some people it does, but for a lot of people those things can actually be in conflict. By this theory, maintaining separate households would definitely make it easier to retain some mystery and eroticism even in a long-term, loving relationship. 

    Post # 22
    Member
    226 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2019

    I would love to have more space than we have now, so I can have my own workspace again. My husband also works an opposite schedule to me and its nice when he can crash on the couch when he gets home late. If we had the choice to have two homes, I’d rather just have one big home where everyone gets some dedicated space. or have a vacation home.

    To me having separate homes in the same area only seems like it would make sense if there’s something complicated going on- like one of you has a super severe peanut allergy and the other one works at a peanut factory, or if you have kids from a prior marriage and there’s some reason it’s more stable to have two or maybe if you’re swingers, or if you both inherited the family estate and you need to hold it for your heirs to continue the family titles. If you want to have your own household I don’t see why you’d get married at all. But to each their own I guess, its not hurting anyone if someone does this.

    Post # 23
    Member
    1298 posts
    Bumble bee

    I like sleeping alone lol! But I’m not sure this would work for me. Hubby would def say no. 

    Post # 25
    Member
    288 posts
    Helper bee

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    @beeleez:  That sounds really interesting! I guess it comes down to how you individually define eroticism as well—whether it’s dependent upon intimacy or separateness and what kind of intimacy you’re talking about. For example, people who are more sapio-sexual require emotional intimacy to progress to a certain level before they can feel physically intimate and capable of eroticizing a relationship. 

    Post # 26
    Member
    430 posts
    Helper bee

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    @two_pounds: My husband and I have lived together for almost four years and definitely still run into each other’s arms! Different horses for different courses, I guess. 

    Post # 27
    Member
    13608 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    It’s not my idea of a marriage. 

    Post # 28
    Member
    505 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2020

     

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    @amongclouds:  same!

    Post # 29
    Member
    91 posts
    Worker bee

    My husband and I have lived apart a few times during our marriage, primarily when I have done extended artist residencies, and it’s been wonderful. 

    Post # 30
    Member
    7707 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    I would never presume to judge someone else’s relationship or assume it was unhappy due to their living arrangement; that seems awfully presumptuous. That said, I would not choose to live apart from Dh, especially with children. I think it is healthy for children to see how their parents interact on a daily basis and to see the everyday joking, banter, discussions, disagreements and everything else. I wouldn’t want to plan for all the family time we have that happens incidentally because we all live together.

    However, if anything had ever happened to Dh, I don’t think I’d ever choose to live with someone again. First, I never would have had my children live with someone new. Second, if I were to find myself in another relationship later on in life, I would only want the “good” parts – no doing someone else’s dishes or picking up their socks! 

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