Post # 1
Member
3457 posts
Sugar bee
DH and I do not see eye to eye on chores. He would like to never do them, never pay money for someone to do them, and even to never watch me scurry around doing them all. As you might guess, as far as I can tell, this only leaves the option of leaving the apt looking like a pigstye, which is something I do not find acceptable. But maybe I overlooked something. Can you bees think of any other solutions, more viable than the ones below?
- I do most of them. DH is unhappy I am running around because it “fatigues” him and he doesn’t think it’s necessary. I am unhappy I am doing most of them with no help.
- We do them 50/50. DH is unhappy at the energy output and time suck of weekly cleaning. I am unhappy I have to prod him to help or listen to him complain about doing them.
- We hire a cleaner to come in 1-2x a month. DH is unhappy we are spending $1,000-$2,000 a year on a cleaner. Dishes, laundry etc still need to be done by me.
- One of us quits our full-time job to take care of the house, admin and life. DH is unhappy we are not saving enough money for retirement. I am not thoroughly happy either we have less savings.
- We don’t clean. I am unhappy at the filthy house and that I do not feel comfortable inviting anyone over ever.
Post # 3
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee
Not trying to be harsh here but it just sounds like your husband needs to buck up and be mature about the house getting clean. It ‘fatigues’ him to see you clean. Seriously?!
Not cleaning isn’t an option for me, my house has to stay clean. One person quitting seems silly because it isn’t necessary. Hiring a cleaner seems silly as well because you don’t need it. You two can work together and clean a house. Either you just do it all and tell him to shut it when he complains or you split it 50/50.
Post # 4
Member
9680 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
@kay01: It sounds to me like he’s being a bit of a baby. Not many people enjoy cleaning, but it comes with home ownership (or even with renting your own space). Of course there are tons of things you’d rather be doing, but it still needs to get done or else your house will look like an episode of Hoarders *shudder*
If he helps you, it gets done faster. Tell him to grow up. Plenty of people work full time and still take care of their home. Not only would it be embarassing to have people over (who probably wouldn’t even want to be over), but I personally wouldn’t want to live in a dirty house. He needs to get on board with helping you and not complaining about it. Period.
Post # 5
Member
9680 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
@Birdee106: +1, exactly. I’d never contemplate quitting my job to clean a house. I work my job AND clean my house. My Fiance helps. Neither of us like it, but we do it. End of story.
Post # 6
Member
10355 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
Your husband needs a serious attitude adjustment. It should not fall on you to fix this problem, and for god’s sake, don’t quit your job to clean for this guy who is so ungrateful!
Post # 7
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
50/50. Most men have to be prodded to do housework and then they complain about it; it’s in all of the marriage and relationship books. Nobody likes doing chores but they have to get done. You don’t make 100% of the mess so it’s not fair for you to have to do 100% of the cleanup and a dirty house is out of the question.
How much weekly cleaning is being done? Can it be done bi-weekly with little cleanups every day? We do a big clean once a month but we both constantly clean up after ourselves and each other so the house stays relatively clean. Obviously when we have a child things will be a bit more difficult until the child is old enough to help out but really it only takes us 5-10 minutes tops to straighten up the house each evening which includes doing the dishes and wiping down the countertops.
Post # 8
Member
3457 posts
Sugar bee
@Birdee106:
@MrsPanda99:
I agree he should just buck up, but it’s easier said than done – unfortunately, he doesn’t agree so it’s been a huge source of fights and is having a deleterious effect on our marriage. I get resentful at doing it all and as I said, now he’s even gotten frustrated at watching me bustle about. (I think he is depressed by his work situation, but as I can’t get him to go to the doctor, there’s not much I can do about that.) He truly just wants us to clean less frequently (to never on certain chores) and thinks I spend too much time cleaning unnecessarily. From reading posts here, I assure you I am on the slacker side of things. I am not seriously contemplating quitting my job, but I was trying to brainstorm all possible solutions, which that is.
Post # 9
Member
7308 posts
Busy Beekeeper
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
When he was growing up, how were household chores handled? I’m just trying to see if he has some sort of unusual experience that would explain his POV or something. Why would he want certain chores to never be done? It’s just strange.
Post # 10
Member
9680 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
@kay01: A suggestion I have is to sort the chores. There are certain things that I hate – such as dishes that don’t fit in the dishwasher. Fiance takes care of that. I also hate picking up dog poop and any outside work so Fiance does that too. He hates laundry, dusting, and cleaning floors, so that is my job. Maybe find out what he especially objects to and you handle those chores and he does the rest. I would rather listen to him complain than be his maid.
We do hire a cleaning lady because we hate to spend all of our free time cleaning the house. However, there are still things that need to be done when she isn’t around. Sharing the chores works well for us and I think you two need to find a balance that works. Of course, if he is depressed, then he probably doesn’t feel like doing much of anything…and if he won’t get professional help, then it is pretty hard for you to fix.
Post # 11
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee
@kay01: Have you asked him if he would be happy sitting in filth? Is his solution that you just don’t clean?
I wouldn’t say that I enjoy cleaning but I do see it as a wifely duty. I’m sure a lot of women are turned off by that statement but I’m old fashioned and don’t mind it at all. My husband is a neat freak though so it helps that he keeps his stuff clean.
Honestly, if I were in yours shoes, I would tell him to give off his butt and clean the freaking house. I understand he could be having a hard time with work but so is my husband. So are a lot of people. Not an excuse to be lazy and give up on responsibilities. Talk to him and find out which chores he would be willing to do. Start small. Say that he can mow the grass and help with dishes but you’ll do the rest. Slowly work his way into helping out.
Post # 12
Member
3457 posts
Sugar bee
Cleaning schedule (roughly):
- Dishes 2-3 times a week.
- Load & empty dishwasher 2-3 times a week
- Floor – Swept about 3-4 times a week (DH has a cat…)
- Vacumn small carpet – Every 2 weeks
- Mop floor – ha ha. Spot clean spots maybe 3x a year in main room, 1/month in kitchen/bathroom
- Tub – scrubbed about every 6 weeks
- Toliet – scrubbed about every 2 months
- Sheets (please do not judge), probably change every 4-6 weeks
- Cat litter (DH does) – changed 1-2 times a week, generally 1 (yesh, but he won’t do it sooner)
- Laundry – 2-3 loads every 1.5-2 weeks
- Trash out – 1-2x a week
- Dusting – 3-4 times a year
- Clean inside of fridge 2-3x a year
- Clean microwave inside 1/year
Chores he thinks we need do never: Putting away laundry, cleaning tub, vacumning, mopping/spot cleaning, cleaning microwave, dusting
Chores he thinks we should do a lot less frequently: Sheets, cat litter, toliet
Chores he thinks we should do things differently to avoid making mess: dishes (would have us eat takeout almost all of the time)
Post # 13
Member
3457 posts
Sugar bee
@lovekiss: His mom was a single mom and felt the kids should not be “penalized” for her choice to divorce her husband (who was abusing her and started in on the kids…). So they had no chores, except they did when they got older, do their own laundry. This is where he evolved his system of a “clean laundry basket” and a (or two?) “dirty laundry basket(s)” and avoided folding or putting away laundry.
My family had higher basic expectations on chores: You set the table, you clear off the table and put dishes away in the dishwasher, you help cook when asked (less frequently), you do laundry when asked (more frequently as we got older in high school), you do dishes when asked (same). I never had to dust or mop and only rarely clean a bathroom.
Post # 15
Member
716 posts
Busy bee
@kay01:
Chores he thinks we need do never: Putting away laundry, cleaning tub, vacumning, mopping/spot cleaning, cleaning microwave, dusting
Your house is going to be cluttered, dusty, and
Chores he thinks we should do a lot less frequently: Sheets, cat litter, toliet
smelly.
Is he for real? He can’t have it both ways, not cleaning and not paying someone to clean. This isn’t a frat house. He needs to grow up and you need to be more firm about sharing the chores fairly.
Post # 16
Member
3457 posts
Sugar bee
@beachbride1216: You don’t make 100% of the mess
He thinks more of the mess (e.g. objects, knic knacs) around the place is mine. I’ve been trying to declutter for myself apart from this issue (but it’ll be a bonus on cleaning in the end). That said, he apparently doesn’t register that having his 6-7 chess sets out as decorative pieces are more difficult to dust than if we had say, nothing or some of my candles out. That is because he does not think we need to ever dust.
